A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't even know where to start...I guess I'm going to tell you about this in two parts.When I was in high school, there was this guy, James, who was new in school and he wanted to go out with me. I refused because I wasn't interested. He persisted, was very weird, almost obsessive. Our paths crossed a few times after that, he was always very keen on dating me and one day I thought, you know what, why don't I give him a shot? He was not the best looking guy and wasn't doing as well as me career wise but my friends would tell me, he's been in love with you for the longest time, he hasn't dated anyone else and is still in love with you so why not? I gave into what turned out to be the worst two years of my life. He was weird, obsessive, had a severe inferiority complex. He couldn't stand anyone even looking at me, he couldn't stand me speaking to any other man, he was extremely jealous of the fact that my family had money, that they were more well off than his, that I was better qualified... The list goes on. He could argue with me for hours on end, sometimes say that most vicious things imaginable... And yet claimed to love me with all his life. The shit finally hit the fan one day and I kicked him out of my life. He didn't want to give up that easily and gave up only when I threatened to call the police. It's been more than ten years now that I broke up with him but up until the time I got married, I'd still get the occasional mail from him saying he couldn't forget me, etc. I ignored it all.Now around 4 years ago, I was working in a fabulous job and I met someone who at that point of time seemed like a dream to me. He was the most eligible bachelor at my place of work, he was good looking, very well qualified...I was surprised why he wasn't married yet when though he was in his late thirties at that time. I live in a relatively small town and almost everyone who knew him vouched for him, that he was a great guy. The surprising thing was that he had never had a girlfriend in his life... He attributed that to the fact that he was always very busy studying for one of the most difficult exams for top adminstrative positions, (he didn't get through eventually) and was too busy to date. He then joined the place I was working in a few years before I started working there. He quickly fell for me much to my delight. I had a massive crush on him when I saw him and I was thrilled that he liked me back! I saw a few red flags... he was jealous of my male friends, he wanted to "protect" me from the big bad world, he just wouldn't take no for an answer. It is entirely my mistake that I agreed to marry him when I barely knew him for a few months. He proposed almost immediately and I accepted, because I thought what if no one better came along?4 years later, we now have a baby daughter. He's a wonderful father and a good husband but he's still extremely possessive of me. Barely a few days after we got married, he got a job offer at a much better firm but in an absolutely shitty town. The money was good so he took it and I took the choice of leaving my job to be with him. I'm not working now because I choose to be home to take care of our daughter. As it now turns out, we have absolutely no social life in our new town. He doesn't like me interacting much with anyone and finds fault with almost everyone around us. He rushes back home after work to be with us and I find too much of him to be claustrophobic at times. He wants to have sex often, as soon as our daughter is asleep, and for really long. I find myself making excuses because I just can't keep up! He dotes on me, finds me to be very pretty and I have never seen him so much as look at anyone else... everything that I found very endearing initially but clawing now. If I speak more than two sentences with a man, any man, he gets mad at me. Not violent or abusive but just very angry. He's extremely argumentative, is jealous of my life with my parents back home, he's jealous that I've studied in a much better University than him and have had better experiences in life per se. I suddenly realised that I was married to the same man I had dated before, James. Other than the fact that my husband is good looking and in a better job, everything else is the same! They both had no prior dating experience, both were clawing and obsessive, both complex ridden in similar ways, both couldn't stand me interacting with anyone else, both wanted to "own" me, both with very low self esteem. I escaped one and ran straight into the other. The tragedy of the entire situation is that I dumped James and managed to get rid of him with a lot of difficulty... Only to end up being married to someone just like him. I feel I've made a big mess of my life. I don't even know what I'm asking. Everytime I look at my husband, I feel I'm living my nightmare. While he's done nothing wrong and I have no reason to leave him, I'm starting to realise the huge mistake that I've made.
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broke up, crush, jealous, money, never had a girlfriend, self esteem, university, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 June 2019):
 Pardon me, but , you may define yourself as a millennial (----- although, wouldn't you be , agewise, a Generation X-er instead ? ) but, in terms of divorce, you reason exactly like my mother who's almost 90 y.o. She scoffs at people who divorce " too easily "- and for her this means every divorce when there's no physical abuse , or heavy alcohol / drugs addiction . All the rest, particularly if a husband is a good provider, with a good income / career, is just minor , irrelevant stuff that a wise wife will pretend to ignore, least " people " ( WHAT people ?! ) should say stuff about her and make her look bad.
...This is so disheartening to me that I don't even know where to start from. My mom was in her prime just after WWII and in the early 50s, so, although being , I must say, an intelligent and aware woman, she could never, and never will, shake off herself some Lucy Ricardo atmosphere and frame of mind, marriage- wise.
But you ? Do you still think that marriage is only, or mainly, a social contract , an agreement ( or a ruse ? ) through which a woman can have a roof over her head, financial stability, social status, a father for her kids ? In exchange of a few basic domestic and sexual services ? Is being married , basically, a matter of ….saving money, keeping or increasing status, fitting in with your environment, getting a social seal of approval ?
Jeez, what a guy needs to do to be considered divorceable , being Ted Bundy 's lost twin brother ??
Of course a lot depends from your views and expectations about marriage. And if you ( or anybody else, as for that ) got married with the , all in all, reasonable hope and expectation to be happy together, and to grow as individuals, and have a healthy, mutually supportive, mutually respectful relationship between equals- then, from what you describe, you had tons ! of reasons to call it quits ( if so you are inclined to do, and if your husband refuses , as he does, to change and fix his problems ).
What do you care about what " people " may say ? Are these people going to live with your husband , go to bed with him, depend from him financially, indulge his whims and appease his pathological jealousy , day in day out ? Are these people raising your daughter, or paying your bills, or offering you board and lodging and / or education / career opportunities ? No ? They don't …. Then- I don't need to tell you what exactly they can do with their opinions and comments ; it's not fit for polite company, and it's easily imaginable.
I think that a big part of the whole mess in which you find yourself now is your excessive need for getting approval, pleasing people, fitting in.
" Who does not lerarn from hustory is bound to repeat it "- and this is somehow what happened with you.
You did not like James, you were not into him . But you decided to give him a chance because your friends asked you to ( !? ) , and because you were moved / impressed by the fact that he had been wanting you for the last two years. Well, some time a bit of selfishness is only HEALTHY. Probably, another girl would have thought that, if poor James has been obsessing for two years about a woman who does not like him- well, that's HIS problem , isn't it ? I mean, poor James, sure- but your " work " in life is to make yourself happy !, not to make the Jameses of this world happy, or your female friends, happy. No. Yourself. and you can make yourself happy only if you know firmly and surely well what you want and what you don't want, what you like and what you dislike. What YOU want. Not what your ( well meaning, I guess ) friends want for you, or your social circle wants for you.
Ditto with your current husband, and some ( most ? ) of the choices you made, following which now you feel trapped.
You chose to follow him in a new town where HE can have a better career, and you chose to be a stay-at- home mom, and you chose not to go out and cultivate friendships, least your husband shouldn't grumble…. you wanted, and you want, to PLEASE him. Which there would be nothing wrong with , of course, if your choices pleased you too. But they didn't, and don't !. So no wonder you feel a gnawing resentment. Like, all the people who can't / won't " to their own self be true "...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): It's your life nothing to do with anyone else and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. He is controlling and possessive and you are keeping quiet so he has no reason to act worse. If he wont go to counselling then you have to have a good think about if you want to carry on as you are, I'm sorry but whether you like it or not your daughter will pick up on both behaviours, is she really not being affected by this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): Maybe try counseling alone, they can still help you figure out how your feeling and help you work through problems, maybe if he sees it helps you he might be willing to join.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): Thank you to all the wonderful aunts who answered my question.
Aunt Mystiquek, you asked me the question I ask myself very often. Do I love him? I really don't know. I feel a lot of anger towards him for a lot of reasons, many that I haven't mentioned here because it has nothing to do with my question, mainly to do with his family and how badly they treated me. What I like about him is the fact that he's a good companion, that he's a good person with no vices. But do I love him? I don't know..
Will he go for counselling? No, he won't because he doesn't believe in it. He thinks there's nothing wrong with him.
Is my marriage worth saving? Well my first instinct tells me to bolt but then I look at my daughter and feel that she needs her father. He loves her dearly. And come to think of it, what substantial reasons do I have to break a marriage? When I look at the world around me, I see that most marriages that aren't working have two common grounds where they falter. Either the man is philandering or the woman is cheating, or, there are financial worries. In my case it's neither. My husband, if you leave aside his possessiveness and insecurities regarding me, is great. He doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs, he earns well, eats healthy, is always well groomed, doesn't feel the need to look at any other woman and dotes on our daughter. If I say to anyone that I want to leave him, I'm the one that people will point and laugh at. What do I say? He's too possessive? Too obsessed with me? People will say well boo hoo, you millennials have a problem with everything!
Uncle wiseowle, I think you are absolutely right when you say that I am so paranoid about James that I'm projecting him on to my husband. They do share certain characters flaws but it's true my husband is not as bad as him.
However, and I know it's entirely my problem, I feel completely trapped. I feel so utterly claustrophobic, which is exactly how I felt like in my past relationship. He keeps "joking" that I'm looking at men and they're all interested in me. Everytime he laughs and says that in front of our daughter, it makes me feel so cheap! I committed the awful mistake of telling him about all the guys who've had crushes on me and he's seen a few guys in our place of work who used to be very friendly with me and even after all these years he's not over it. It's like he "won" by marrying me but is constantly scared that I'll leave him, that someone else will catch my fancy. I have given up everything, my career, travelling, everything just to be with our daughter and yet I feel it isn't enough.
A few months ago I encouraged him to apply for a professional course that would be great for his career. I've done it and I know it would really help him. He got through and we were delighted! I'm helping him out with the next step of the process and he had to meet someone regarding the logistics etc so I accompanied him, since I was the one who introduced him to this person who would help him. Once at the office, I asked the man if he remembered handling my paperwork way back in 2011 and he said he wasn't sure. I then told reminded him of a certain incident that occurred and he remembered. That was it.
When we got back home, after a couple of days during an argument, my husband tells me, why were you constantly asking that man if he remembers who you were? Are you interested in him?
I rest my case here.
This is why I came to dear cupid, because I am so fed up of this!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 June 2019):
 OP, I don't see anywhere in your post where you say that you love your husband. Forgive me if I missed it. Do you? If so then do you wish to work with your husband to make your marriage better? If you don't love him and do not see a future then you should start making plans to divorce.
You need to go to couples counselling and your husband sounds like he needs single counselling. Will he go? You cannot make him change he has to want to change.
Is your marriage worth saving? Only you and he can answer that. It certainly cannot continue on the way it is with you becoming happy. Search your heart and decide what you want and what you are willing to do to make yourself happy and peaceful for you and your daughter. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): Tell him how you feel and tell him you want marriage counseling because you're not happy with how things are going. Maybe suggest going out on the town together and making friends with people together. Say you want to join a bowling club or an art class or some kind of activity with him were you both can go out and make friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2019): First, establish in your mind that James and your current husband are two different men. They are not one in the same. If you establish a phobia about certain characteristics in people; you'll start to see those attributes in everybody.
He has some similar character-flaws; but he's not James. So stop having flashbacks and ruminations about James. Deal with your husband for who he is. When you met your husband, one of the things that attracted you to him was his doting over you; and making a complete fuss out of wooing you. He idealized you as perfection in a woman, and you were taken by it. Not realizing that's exactly the same-thing James used to do; but your husband comes in a better-looking package. You married him before you actually knew him. You accepted his proposal for the wrong reasons. Doing that sort of thing always comes back to bite you; and you'll be hounded by regret a thousand times over.
He's your husband now, and the father of your only child. For now, I guess his bad-traits are far out-weighing the good-ones. What you failed to do with James, you're repeating. You do nothing to address their controlling behavior and possessiveness. You've taken the position of being helpless, passive, and tolerant. If you do nothing, these problems only get worse. Their behavior becomes more and more established as the foundation of what defines your marriage and relationship. You've gone from being his mate, to becoming his hostage!
Confront your husband about his behavior. Let him know how it is affecting you emotionally and psychologically. Call it for what it is...aggression, possessiveness, and abusive-behavior. Paranoia, suspicion, and jealousy overrides his love for you.
He's a lunatic! He owns you!
To keep the peace, we sometimes dance around these scary issues. We become intimidated, and won't confront the problem head-on; and that only allows the problem to fester and become increasingly more difficult to handle. Once it becomes well-established in the relationship; it becomes much more difficult to change/eradicate.
You cannot change him by reasoning. It's far beyond that now. He will not change without professional-help. You both need counseling. You don't know how to address his behavior; and he is too closed-minded to accept any criticism. He does what he does because he goes unchecked! You had better deal with it! It doesn't have to go down like that "just because that's the way he is!" Oh, but hell no! By submitting to it, you become his enabler. He takes total control, and goes over the edge with it. Meanwhile, you're terrified of him! You dither about and make subtle suggestions about how you feel, and cower when he responds with fury! Even worse, he simply ignores you as if you're a babbling child. He's the boss, and that's that!
Things changed with James, when you simply had had enough! Your post implies you're starting to reach that point.
You will have to suggest marriage-counseling, and individual-therapy; or the only choice you will have is to end the marriage. It won't last if you don't really love him anyway! I didn't see anywhere in your post where you mentioned that you do! I believe I carefully read it to its entirety.
If you are afraid of him, and he over-powers you with his aggressiveness and/or stubbornness; then the only option is divorce. If he wants to save the marriage, he will need to work with you. He has issues, bordering on narcissism. The jealousy and isolation gives him complete control and dominance. You're giving-in without resistance.
Once you resist, you will be able to make the determination if he will change, if the marriage is salvageable, or if divorce is imminent. You do not have to live in isolation, under his dominance, or be afraid to express your feelings.
Exercise your own strength in your marriage, my dear!
If you don't, you'll live under these conditions until it breaks you; and it won't be too long before it will begin to affect your daughter emotionally. Children are directly affected by their environment and the psychological-atmosphere around them.
She too, will become victimized and dominated by over-bearing men, just like her father.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2019): If you love him and want to see if you can resolve your problems then i suggest you tell him you want couples counselling, sorry but if you feel controlled then that is a red flag and it needs addressing whether he has other great qualities or not. A safe place to openly talk about how you feel is needed only from that can you work out if it your marriage is worth saving x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2019): What a sad story. It seems a perfectly reasonable analysis of what has happened. But how to fix it.
Firstly, you don't have to have a good reason to not love or want to be married to someone, relationships end unilaterally when either one of you decides to end it. There does not need to be a long list of reasons.
But- He smothers you, he has isolated you, and he picks petty jealous arguments. Being jealous of your family connections worries me the most as this is away to get you to avoid contacting your family for fear of a row. These are all pretty good reasons.
If you feel trapped. Leave. Easy for me to say huh? Either go back to work or start putting money away in your own bank account so that you have a fund of your own, then not today or tomorrow plan your exit. You dont have to discuss it. You don't have to go to counselling you can go and talk later from a distance. No one should feel trapped in a marriage. You're educated, you're qualified- go on. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2019): If you love him .. you can work through th is. I know as I've been there . You have to plan a night get the baby to mum's.. have nice meal then tell him how it is.. no buts no it's.. you need this .. you need to be able to do th is that .. your life before is not his . You will not permit him to raise it n judge you on it . Then ask what he needs .. logically in reality. If he can't or won't then you leave .
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