A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I got drunk at a mutual friend's party. She's supposed to be my friend but I had always had some feeling ever since I've been with my boyfriend and also with my ex she used to be a very flirty friend since I can remember. Long ago I was jealous about how weird she acts towards him but then I moved on. She's been with her boyfriend for 5-6 years and friends with my boyfriend since maybe a year before that. I met her almost a decade ago also and we've been friends but the party kind of friends. He said they slept together once (drunk) and he always talks shit about her, about how he hates her and he mentioned she once said something really nasty about him and someone sent him the screenshot so he talks complete trash about her. But when he is with her they talk a lot, leaving me out of the conversation. I've always felt that there's been a lot of red flags towards their relationship as friends only, they touch a lot and hug a lot, you would think they are a couple. In this party we where all drunk and I saw him touch a girls lap sexually right in front of me (I was sitting behind him and I was shook). Next day I was texting with her and we where trying to remember what happened last night but she couldn't remember much and then I told her what I saw and she completely changed.... "We need to talk. Call me" She texted and I called, she made me swear I wouldn't tell him that she told me all of this. Basically she said that he always acts sexually with her when they are alone and drunk and she gets angry and tells him to stop but he doesn't stop and that It even happened in front of me and I was fine because I was drunk which I don't remember at all. I feel upset because It's not true that I don't care because she sometimes flirts with him in my face or tells him to go somewhere without me. I asked why would she keep it secret for three years?. She said it's weird and she feels harassed but she loves him as a friend and loves us and doesn't want us to break up but then she started crying and said that there was something even worse and she couldn't speak for minutes so I had to calm her down and convince her that it's ok I won't collapse because she said that I would collapse. The news was that he spanked her in our kitchen at our home in our pool party and she said that she didn't react and it's wrong so she kept it a secret. He wasn't even that drunk that night and she was completely sober, I don't get how someone just spanks someone out of a sexual situation, I mean it is weird. She was in a bikini and what is also strange is that she cried really bad about the secret that she would never tell me.She said she didn't want us to fight and she wanted reassurance that I wouldn't tell him (because she doesn't want me to say she told me it all) but she said that I have to confront him to stop doing that (to the other girl) and that I should say that I saw what he did to her and that her boyfriend knows and It's really wrong. (but not involving her in this whole situation). So I did tell him but I said she told me it all drunk at the party. He said he has never done anything to her and that night he doesn't remember. But I know something happened between them and they are lying because it's really awkward how it was a secret until he touches a third woman.Am I being cheated on? because when I look back I was asleep that time and I woke up and they where hanging alone at the kitchen in our beach house drunk making food, but she never told me anything had happened. I look at the videos of her party and I see her flirting at him, looking at him, dancing drunk just straight up dancing for him. And there are a million stories like this about them to write a book. He is trash, I know, because I saw him looking at the other girl too in my video and she looks at him back. Another flag is that she said the only reason she would tell me is because she would be really upset if I do this kind of stuff with her boyfriend which is insane since I have never ever been so friendly with her boy as she is with mine.What can I do about the hurt that I feel? How can I deal with this kind of betrayal? What would you do in this situation? If I break up with him what is the best way to do it without hurting people or being hurt by them. (children involved)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2019): Confront her again tell her you know something up with them and that she could be lying with how touchy they are in front of you and how she still touchy with him I mean come on if he harassed her she wouldn’t still be touchy with him. Also when you confront her make sure your confronting both of them at same time like you all sit together and you confront them. You need the truth you also need to be strong cuz you might find out something you don’t want to. Hey
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 June 2019):
 Instead of worrying about what HE or SHE is thinking or might be thinking or whatnot... SPEND your time thinking on YOUR next move. What YOU need and want to do next. YOU CAN NOT control anything they do, say, think or feel - only how you react to it.
This is not a good friend. And your BF? Trying hard to dismiss what what said with lame excuses...
So FOCUS on what's important, YOUR future. YOUR life.
Not this drama.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2019): I wanted to say thank you to all of you for your advice, and to clear things up we only drink 2-3 times in a year and it's with those "messed up" people who convince us to drink. I am really dedicated to being a mom and I never go out. Drinking is as bad as routine on me. So we change things up and go out with them but it always end up involving drinking and that's not healthy so thank you for making me see that clearly now.
Yesterday I found a video on my phone where her best friend is all touchy and kissy with her boyfriend at the same party!!!!
Honeypie, I say he is trash because when I feel betrayed by him and our close friend, after all the warnings I put on him, I get really angry at him even though I love him.
WiseOwlE wow Thank you so much for your advice, really opened my eyes! I guess he is swimming in dark water, it's like he knew that he could get away with something and let it happen because he could blame it on the alcohol. He wasn't black out drunk, just drunk. I saw him avoiding girls too, and them following him, him going alone to places and them talking to him. I am not his babysitter so I watched things happen. He says I didn't take care of him!
I have spoken to him and he only admitted to having spanked her in a "friendly" way and not with his hands, because he was holding drinks, which doesn't make sense and sounds like a Lie. Nothing more happened.
That day she ignored me and It was a pool party at my house. She was acting really weird towards us at our house, she never got into the pool or even talk to us. Last year she never told me anything, yet she is always coming back to his side like, waiting for something to happen again. Now she is the victim and I didn't defend his actions, I could've said that she is exaggerating which is what he says.
I feel like he is saying anything to convince me that nothing happened between them because something more happened and he knows, I can see it in his eyes that he is not happy that she told me all of this and he is trying so much to win my trust back. I want to break up with him so much but I am really scared about what will happen to my life after I leave so I won't leave until I am sure about my next move.
Today I saw that he blocked her on social media so I know that she will think it was my fault because she did warn me to leave her out of this situation and that she never said anything. Now I am anxious about what she will do when she finds out he blocked her. He even kept something from her which she needs back. I just don't know what to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2019): OP, your last phrase threw me for a loop! Children involved? Really? Why are parents getting drunk at parties? Whether you have children or your boyfriend has kids, or perhaps the girl that your boyfriend is cheating with, you all are unfit parents! A drink or two is one thing, but pass out drunk is pitiful! So drunk that you do not remember what happened is equally pitiful, but it is often just a convenient dodge of the truth! If I were in your place, I would have confronted your trashy boyfriend when he felt up the third girls crotch, as in the party would be over as of that moment! Wow, in your own home, your man pulls the cheating girls bikini bottoms down to spank her ass? Why are you not already broken up? You need to get yourself straightened out. If you continue to drink like a sot, then relationship problems will follow you for a lifetime! Decent folks do not party this way. It is time to grow up and show some concern for what those children will hear and see, and how they will grow up! Wise up!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2019): I think when someone accuses you of something you have a right to face your accuser. If you both were at a party where your boyfriend groped a third female in this drama; I would think your friend only mentioned it because she's jealous.
If you're in your early to mid-20's, you hang-out drinking and partying together; it's almost inevitable that hanky-panky will happen under the guise of being intoxicated. It's always "blame it on the alcohol!"
You've seen your friend flirty with your boyfriend with your own eyes. You even have video of her dancing and stealing his attention. So, I guess some of your suspicion is substantiated.
Like Honeypie, it's weird that you'd refer to your boyfriend as trash; and you've seen him in action, but you've never addressed his behavior until now. That's truly odd! Was it okay in the past, until he touched that other woman's lap?
I would expect him to deny what happened; but if he's really drunk, I would suspect he might forget some of the things he did. That is, if he was blackout-drunk. However, feeling-up on women isn't something you can always getaway with, using that classic excuse. He's treading in some very dangerous territory there. Although some men rise to very high positions of power under these accusations; and go unscathed and unpunished. I'm just saying!
You know in he-said/she-said situations you'll go around and around in circles. You have to trust your own eyes, whatever corroborating eyewitness-accounts you receive coming from credible sources; and you have actual video that will substantiate what he does.
You've indicated in your post that you see them flirting and chatting it up. Oblivious you're even there! You've always had a gut-feeling? Just a feeling? Don't you trust what you see with your own eyes? I think you've got a pretty good case.
So, what-cha gonna do about it?
If you ditch the boyfriend, there's no justification in keeping her as a friend. She let three years slide without telling you about an incident; yet she doesn't want him to know she spilled the beans. You even mentioned that she flirts with him every chance she gets; and now she suspiciously rats on him. Conveniently after he flirts with a yet another female in your circle of acquaintances.
I'd kick them both to the curb, find a different circle of friends, and minimize the drinking parties. If there are kids involved.
Someday, you'll learn there is no good reason to keep someone who cheats on you. Keeping a guy out of fear he'll end-up with someone else you know is placing yourself in a trap. If he has kids with you, but you're not married, are you justifying keeping him no matter what he does? Children are the reason we behave and make our best decisions. They aren't an excuse to put-up with cheating and lying.
People that you consider to be friends who flirt with your romantic-partners aren't friends; they're opportunists!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): I just want to add one thing to the good advice you've been given. When you do break up with him, and I hope you do, do not worry about hurting other people or being hurt by them. Cut off all contact with these messed up people.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (26 June 2019):
 This sounds like a whole lot of drama.
Your BF sounds like a disrespectful dick and your friend doesn’t sound very reliable if she wouldn’t tell you these things were happening. If one of my friends GFs made a pass at me I would inform them right away, just as I would expect a friend to tell me if my GF made a pass at them, it is respectful and allows you to confront the subject.
Hiding info like that from you makes me wonder what else is she hiding? They both sound like bad news to me to be quite honest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2019):
You say you KNOW something happened between then, does it really what that was? (as in, do you really NEED details?)
What makes me go hmmm... is that she still flirts with him, talk to him and have conversations with him EXCLUDING you. That doesn't sound like a woman who has ANY regrets about what is going on. Doesn't mean SHE is totally lying. But does she for instance have ulterior motives?
As in she doesn't want to lose her friendship with you... or she wants to get together with your BF)
You say he is "trash"... SO why are you with him?
He obviously doesn't have much respect for you. Being DRUNK is no excuse to grope another woman.
There is no "best way" to end things. You have to DECIDE if being with him is really GOOD for these kids? Are they yours or his? Either way, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. ACCEPT it's not working and end it. You will feel a variation of things afterwards, without doubt. But time does heal. You are in your 20's and have your WHOLE life ahead of you, don't WASTE it on a dude like this or a "friend" like her.
And I would also say, IF you do break up with him, end your friendship with her too.
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