A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years, but we don't live together. I've been hesitant of her moving in, because in the past she has professed the belief that a man should sacrifice himself financially for a woman. Because of this, we only see each other on the weekends, and she seems quite fine with this arrangement staying the way it is. This is mainly because she wouldn't live with me if she has to help out with expenses.Yes, she has acted quite entitled in the past, but over the past year she has become more reasonable; or so I had thought. Therefore, I made a huge mistake for Christmas by buying her an expensive gift. Because of the gift, she is again back to professing the need for me to be more generous towards her, so I decided to end things between us right after Christmas.I returned her Christmas gift, and she offered to do the same. I was conflicted about it, but I quickly accepted the offer even against my better judgment. She didn't think I would go through with it, and afterwards she became absolutly furious that I would do such a thing to her. She has been calling me some nasty names over this, so I'm not too thrilled about calling her to sort this out. Not surpassingly, she's gone completely radio-silent on me now.Was I wrong for accepting the gift back? Is it justifiable in the case of her behaviour? Should I simply return it back to her? I would appreciate some advice on this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2018): I have to agree with Wiseowle on this one, you were wrong and very stingy to take the gift back. There are expressions about people who take gifts back and none of them are nice ones.
By this action and reading between the lines in your post I think it is quite clear that you are a stingy person. I think that this woman probably saw through your charade, and was trying to make you more generous, which only frustrated you more. I think that you pigeon holed each other-- YOU constantly perceived her as a PRINCESS-- even if her expectations were reasonable. She told you tales of other's extreme generosity to show you that you don't always have to nickle and dime and tit for tat everything.
SHE on the other hand perceived you as stingy, whether you always were or not, and perhaps did overstep her demands from time to time.
Between the two of you I don't think this relationship could have worked. I don't think either of you are necessarily bad people, but you have different viewpoints and different ways of doing things.
Yes, many women are still "treated" some of the time by their men. And with the wage gap present (men usually make more), this usually makes financial sense not to be 50/50 about everything, especially house expenses and the like. I don't think it is unreasonable to show generosity to a woman you love, and I too have old-fashioned ideals, but that doesn't make me entitled or a princess.
I don't think it was unreasonable of your girlfriend to not want to contribute substantially to a house that was not in her name and offered her no legal security. And I also think that you should be paying more toward the house if you make more in your job. That said, she should have been willing to contribute something, and certainly her fair share if you were prepared to take steps to legally settle down with her.
It seems neither of you were very good at discussing things.
A final note:
"One reader remarked that it sounded like my ex was more upset about the loss of the gift than the loss of the relationship. I kind of felt that deep down inside too"
Wow...I just...really?! NO she was and is more upset that she meant so little to YOU that you would literally be so petty as to take her gift back!!!!
Re-read wiseowle's reply...You just do not get it if you think that she is upset over the gift...she is upset that she meant nothing to you. If my partner did that after our break up I would never want to hear his name...that is so petty and distasteful...I cannot...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor those of you who are wondering if I was going out with a much younger woman, no I was not. I'm 53, and my ex-girlfriend is 51. Also, I'm not normally in the habit of buying such expensive gifts; though I did the first two Christmases together until she started to request I be more generous throughout the year. However, it wasn't the only red flag I chose to ignore.She's been married twice, and both times to men whom, from what I gather, held her up like a trophy. She used to talk about her husbands' successful careers, the extensive travelling she did, the expensive cars she drove, the cottages, and even one husband's yacht. Although she has none of that now, I agree that she was still way out of my league. Even though she came across as being totally down-to-earth, I should have viewed the lifestyle she once had as a huge red flag.One reader remarked that it sounded like my ex was more upset about the loss of the gift than the loss of the relationship. I kind of felt that deep down inside too. I guess that's another red flag as well. Makes me wonder if I did in fact dodge a bullet on this one. Maybe she can still catch up to the guy who offered to buy her a new BMW.Thanks for your advice! I plan to resell her Christmas present and recoup at least some of the cost.
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reader, N91  +, writes (1 January 2018):
 Stop beating yourself up over it man.
SHE offered to give it back, I really don't think accepting that offer is a bad decision. Especially if you spent a lot of money on it and put yourself in a poor financial position as least you can re-coup something on it.
In my eyes, anyone that complains you're not spending enough money on them raises red flags. That is your money to do with what you wish, therefore the only way I'd agree that you're 'not spending enough money' if you're freeloading off your partner, which of course is absolutely not acceptable.
You say she's not a gold digger, yet she's bringing up how random guys offer her things and she judges that on how Desired she is. To me that sounds exactly like someone who's after their partners money.
I think you've dodged a bullet here, draw a line under it and find someone more appreciative.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 January 2018):
 Huh. You didn't mention how old she is. Your follow up leads me to believe that she may be a lot younger than you are, given that guys don't generally offer cars to women in their mid 50's, and especially for a woman to turn around and throw that in your face.
If there's an age gap between you two, that would explain both your extending yourself to buy an extravagant Christmas gift as well as holding onto her even though you didn't want to support her financially. She sounds like a young trophy, especially when you add that she's materialistic and obviously high maintenance.
Your penis short-circuited your rational thought EXCEPT when it came to finances. Wise, because she would have sucked you dry financially.
She got mad when you accepted her offer because she was doing that as a way to emotionally manipulate you in a fake show of NOT being materialistic, and you called her bluff. You just got a lesson in THE REAL HER, which isn't the weekend-visit her.
In the future, you need to stop the mixed messages, because while it's within your rights to not want to support another person, you ARE using money to buy affection. You said she was quite entitled, and you bought her a gift well beyond your means, which I'm guessing you've done before.
Many guys do that sort of nonsense when they believe that their woman is out of their league in the looks department or there's a serious age difference. Growing a relationship organically rather than propping with money is not the shortcut you've been taking, but you get a much higher caliber of woman, not some young materialistic sugar baby looking to have you sacrifice everything for her, which is a code word for her taking over your entire financial net worth, present and future. A good woman BRINGS net worth to the table, either financially, intellectually, or resourcefully.
Time to retire the "Daddy's rich and Momma's good-looking" mentality for good.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2018): I don't think that you've done anything wrong here at all.She ASKED to return each others gifts; you just agreed. And frankly, the fact that she seems more miffed about returning gifts (at her asking) than about the break up itself goes to show that money and material gain mean a whole lot more to her than any feelings which she had for you.Sure, you could have ended things before now, but at this stage you can leave with no regrets. You KNOW for sure that there was no chance of her ever changing. Even when you relaxed enough with her attitude to to buy her an expensive gift, she just used it's value to further her argument for why you should provide/sacrifice financially for her all the time. Which you shouldn't.You were right to end this relationship. The issue wasn't just about finance, but as much about equality. If she'd bought as equally as expensive gift for you at Christmas, she would have been half so peeved at your accepting her offer to return gifts. So I'm guessing that she didn't.You've done completely the right thing. I think that you have reason to celebrate!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTaking the gift back was not a well thought-out decision on my part, and I'm still grappling with the morals of my action. I feel like a heel! I reacted to her offer because I'm of average financial means, and I sacrificed for months to buy her this gift out of love. But that's besides the point. I totally agree with everyone that I should never have given it to her in the first place.What swayed my decision was the lack of appreciation I got back. She complained that I'm not spending enough on her, and she felt I needed to change that for the relationship. She even mentioned that last year a guy she knows offered to buy her a new car if she'd come live with him. I don't doubt her, as she is very beautiful, and she does get her fair share of rather crazy offers from guys.However, she's not a gold digger, but rather highly impressionable. And I've had this discussion in the past with her about what often happens after one is placed upon a pedistal. I thought she had dropped the subject a number of years ago, so I was surprised when she suddenly brought it up over Christmas. I felt lied to, so thats why I broke up with her and agreed to take the gift back. Still it wasn't one of my finest moments.
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (31 December 2017):
You have ended things with her. Or at least you say you have. Why do you care what she says? Delete her phone number. If you are on social media block her there. Return the gift to the store, get your money back and get on with your life without this gold digger.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2017): Your huge mistake isn't buying her an expensive Christmas present. Your huge mistake is to have stayed with her for four years beyond the time that you knew she was not financially compatible with you. That's your mistake. It's odd that you referred to the relationship in the present tense; it's clearly over, and should've been a number of years ago. As to whether not to take the gift back, well you sort of made that lapse in judgment as you said against your better judgment, so you might as well live with the consequences. You are going to be living with the consequences of not having a girlfriend for the next few months until you do find someone who Is more compatible with you.
Obviously you were sexually compatible otherwise it wouldn't of lasted for this long so you did get something out of the relationship.
If you are not a naturally generous person, don't pretend to be one. And by that I mean don't give expensive presents, when you know full well you don't like doing it.
It should be simple enough to find out if your next girlfriend has what you consider to be unfair financial demands on you. So next time don't wait so long. Good luck
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 December 2017):
 Honestly, OP?
I don't see WHAT you did wrong at all. IF she didn't want to give YOUR gift back she shouldn't have offered.
Also, I would advice you to BLOCK her on social media, your phone and every other means of contact. There is NO reason to try and sort this out. You two are OVER.
There IS no need to keep trying to make her understand. My guess is she was using the "silent treatment" with you to make you feel so bad that you would give her the present anyways... She sounds rather entitled and manipulative. But... YOU can't really claim you didn't know, after all you have dated her for 5 years.
Why would you date someone seriously that you HAD no intetions of moving forward with? If she wanted you to PAY for everything because "you are the MAN" and you believe that is not right (and it isn't) - then WHY date her? There was no future here at all. After 5 years most relationship have progressed to a point where living together seems natural. YOU spend 5 YEARS with her. KNOWING how she thought of men (in general) as the providers and ATM's.
If she can afford to live on her own, there is something seriously wrong with her line of thinking that helping YOU with bills is not OK. So my question to you is, WHY did you keep dating her when you knew there was no real future here?
Did you think she would miraculous change her mind? If she is your age, I BET YOU, she is pretty set in her ways and will not change at all.
And I think, OP you have dodged a VERY costly bullet here.
BLOCK her and MOVE on. YOU two were not compatible enough to LIVE together. STOP wasting your time on this one.
Take "her" present back to the store for a refund (if you can) and learn from this. If you meet someone and you don't see the two of you even living together... Don't keep dating her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2017): You don't take gifts back. I write a lot on this site and it never ceases to amaze me the kind of attitudes people have about gifts, giving, and forgiveness. People are just unbelievable.
Forgive me for getting preachy; but many young people are readers, and my aim is to educate. Some things considered "old-fashioned" are just simple decency and good-character.
You were wrong to take your gift back. It was vindictive and mean-spirited. Okay...granted you had reason to breakup with your girlfriend. So you add insult to injury by even suggesting gifts be given back! How do people even conceive such thoughts??? She isn't only furious, she is insulted and disgusted that you could be so mean! How can anyone blame her?!!!
Oh, now about that crap you're supposed financially support her, if she lives with you. Unless she's your wife, you have no obligation to financially support her. Even as your wife, there has to be a mutual-understanding about finances and how you will run your household and finances as a couple.
In any form of relationship; there will be times between jobs, educational pursuits, or child-rearing; when one of the couple will temporarily (sometimes permanently) leave the workforce. This has to be mutually-agreed upon. Once agreed, no one has any right to throw it up in the others face; if this arrangement doesn't workout as planned.
Perhaps she is confusing the concept of having a boyfriend with a sugar daddy. My boyfriend is wealthy. A self-made man; but I work for a large national business firm. I make a good salary on my own; but he has a very generous nature. He thinks nothing of splurging thousands of dollars on a gift. I had to establish at the point we began dating that I didn't want money to be the basis and foundation of our relationship.
I buy what I want. If I can't afford it, I simply will do without it. I accept some gifts and I decline others. Either out of pride or principle. Love isn't for sale here, and I don't need anyone to impress me. I got a car for my birthday two years ago. I refused such expensive gifts from my boyfriend for two years; until he insisted I stop telling him "what the f*ck to do with his money!!!" I graciously accepted the car; but I can't afford to purchase cars as gifts. Thus, I felt no right to accept one! Neither of us would ever even perceive the notion of taking anything back. He had boyfriends before me, they cheated on him. He never took back a single item, regardless of the cost. I got dumped. I gave my ex a refurbished Rolex. It was still a costly gift, never once considered asking for it back. Last I heard, he wears it to this day!
When there is an issue of money in a relationship, it will completely dominate and overshadow the purpose and meaning behind the relationship. You have to be on the same-page on all things. You have to establish boundaries. You have to have principles and character; to support and justify your beliefs. You have to be fair and just.
I accept generosity, but I don't allow unnecessary lavish spending and showing-off! Give to charity or help the poor. It's always the thought behind the gift and giving; and when people make political statements behind their gifts, that's where I don't get it!
Your timing with the breakup and reverse-gifting was all in bad-taste. It was insensitive, and the statement you meant to convey was hurtful and toxic. I agree she might be high-maintenance or entitled; but there was a way to address that with tact and dignity. All you had to do was make it clear that expenses would be shared if you lived together. If she couldn't understand that and insisted you should; all that could/should have been addressed long ago. It was always a bone of contention. An issue you had between you long before the Holidays.
You've dropped the bomb, and it has already exploded. It's best you move on and just leave her alone to heal her wounds. Your empathy and compassion after the fact is of little consequence when the wounds are so fresh. Once you've taken the gift back, you keep it. It should have been given with love and generosity, not guilt!
I still drive my own 11 year-old BMW. It's paid-for and well maintained. I rarely drive the Lexus; but I love washing and polishing it up for a night on the town. To me, his heart is worth a 1000X that hunk of metal!
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reader, MissKin +, writes (31 December 2017):
 I don't believe relationships can work unless your fundamental views on certain things compliment each other. You don't agree financially. Her attitude obviously annoys you and you disagree with her privileged approach to the point where you broke up with her. I don't think this attitude of hers is going to change. She foes sound spoilt. I'd let it go and try to heal and move forward. Find someone who loves you even when you're broke.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 December 2017):
 Were you wrong in accepting the gift back? That depends on whose perspective you are asking the question. From YOUR perspective, then obviously NOT. From your (ex)girlfriend's perspective, then you obviously WERE.
Was SHE wrong in offering to return the gift? If she was not prepared to actually return it, she should not have offered.
You two have very different outlooks on what is a fundamental cause of break-ups in relationships, i.e. finances. This incident has just served to highlight your differences. Is there any point in trying to make up?
In your shoes, if it is possible, I would look at returning the gift to the shop. If not, sell it on (even if you have to take a bit of a loss on it) and move on. Find someone whose views match your own more closely, instead of someone who is just looking for a meal ticket.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 December 2017):
You do whatever you like my friend.
She sounds like a spoiled brat, good riddance. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you did and there's absolutely no reason to be bothered about it. She's in the past, let her sulk.
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male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (31 December 2017):
Ther is no defined etiquette. You returned your gift. However you did not ask for the gift back but she offered it. She did not have to offer it and since she did you are reasonable to accept it. If she did not want to return it she should not have offered. She is wrong to be angry if she offered- she should have been ready for you to accept.
The issue is really whether you want to sort things out with her. It seems that is the only thing you will gain by returning the gift. Some might think it's a little odd to accept the gift but the key thing is you didn't ask. She seems pretty entitled as you say, you have ended it and she isn't likely to want to spend time with you now, so what do you have to gain by giving it her back. Do it if it makes you feel better, but you don't have to.
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