A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What is wrong with me? I broke up with a woman 16 months back but I'm obsessed with keeping tabs on what she doing. My obsession is taking over my life. I hardly eat, my condo's filthy, I don't go out. I feel like I'm married to my laptop and binocolars. I'm gutted. She's not down in the dumps anymore. I broke up with her so shouldn't I be the one who's ok? What's causing my obsession with her and how can I stop myself? I'm depressed and wake up in the middle of the night crying like a wuss. That's a hell of a sap to my manhood. I can't get her out of my brain cells. Why???????????
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Patriot  +, writes (2 February 2011):
Step 1: Wait a few months.
Step 2: Feel better.
Step 3: Realize that you should not invest in any woman you can't control.
Step 4: Work hard in life.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Or he could go to a bar and get drunk as a sailor on shore leave and hang off every skirt in the place until he gets laid or thrown out with the trash.
I mean that's what I would do.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 February 2011):
 I think Abella should turn that answer into an article. That was GREAT!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Brilliant post abella! Bookmarked :D
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 February 2011):
 You dumped her, was that done without any thought to whether it was what you really wanted? She is over you, but you clearly are not.
I think you are kicking yourself and regretting dumping her. Forgive yourself. Mistakes happen. You may nor may not heal your heart enough to consider trying to re-establish contact, but...
you may not accept this truth yet, but there are millions of ladies out there and more than one of them is your perfect match. Get your life together and you'll be ready to date some of them. And trust me, you will find a gal who'll especially gladden your heart.
But get the depression treatment first. Because it just might be the depression that made you end your last relationship.
And depression is treatable.
And the sorry state of affairs right now bothers you, so I'm guessing that you are normally well organised and the current situation is uncharacteristic for you.
Therefore let's get organised.
First I gather you are seriously down in the dumps and likely to also be facing a degree of depression.
And you are hurting inside. Just because a person looks healthy on the outside does not mean that they can't be seriously hurting on the inside.
Task one is to visit your Doctor and describe your symptoms. And do not be brushed off/patronised by the Doctor. Depression is a serious debilitating problem and can seriously hurt your health. Get the expert help for depression now
Close your FaceBook, close your Twitter and close any similar social networking 'friends' site like Facebook (if you have to you can start new ones later). That way you can't snoop to see who she's talking to or doing.
Next put your binoculars away until you are ready to look at feathered friends only.
Action Plan:
You can't live in a pigsty. Make a list of what is required. put a suggested time for each job. Tick each job off as you do it. Give yourself a star if you can get any task done in less minutes than you allowed for the task.
Here's the nitty gritty:
1. Get some big strong plastic liner bags. 2. Take two bags with you into your living area. Pick up everything on the floor - trash in one bags. Things to keep in the other bag. Put the 'keep bag' to one side when full. Pull the 'throw out' stuff in the trash. If you need to fill up more bags before room has no trash on floor or other surfaces then do so. 3. Now start dealing with the keep stuff - books back on the shelf, things in the wrong room - put them in the right room. Kitchen stuff to the kitchen. 4. Now clean surfaces 5. Vacuum the floor. 6. Fluff up the cushions. 6. Straighten up anything else required. 7. Move on to bedroom. 8. Strip the bed and put in laundry, you can make bed with new bed linen later. 9. Do the two bag routine again. Trash to trash. 10. Hang up/fold up/put away all clothing 11. Remove anything that does not belong in bedroom. 12. deal with what is left in the 'keep it' bag. 13. Wipe down any surfaces. 14. Vacuumn top of mattress, under bed and all of parts of the floor.15. Make the bed.
Now you are getting the hang of it - do the bathroom (no vacumn required).
Now tackle the kitchen. Finish by washing the kitchen floor.
Put through the wash all the things you identified as 'laundry'. And put it away as soon as it is dry.
Now spray a good air freshner in every room
Have a nice long shower after all your cleaning. If the tidy up is overwhelming stagger it over a weekend.
Visit the hairdresser and get a nice new cut.
On the way back pick up the ingredients for a nice bolognese sauce. (onion, bell pepper, celery, prosciutto, carrot, tomatoes, cilantro, ground beef, beef stock, tomato puree and anything else you put into a bologese sauce.) dice, chop, grate, etc as required. Cook slowly until perfect. Freeze any left overs into meal size portions. You can use the sauce in many different ways.
Time to reconnect with people. But not where you'll run into her. Consider volunteering at a community venue where they do good things for disadvantaged adults. You will be amazed how much better you feel.
Consider joining a gym. Any physical exercise can lift your mood.
Consider joining an ongoing group like Rotary as they do good work in the community and you'll be amazed at the good support you will get as a new member.
Offer to walk any neighbors puppy dog. You get the fun of interacting with an animal, but not 24/7. And a neighbor gets a break from the puppy. And being in the park with a puppy dog will do wonders for your morale. And you'll also find women will approach you when you have a puppy dog in tow. Because puppy dogs are crowd pleasers
Good luck.
Come back with any more questions to Dear Cupid if you need more support. Best Wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): You have got yourself stuck in a mindset. If you broke up with her and you don't mention any regret in the matter, it seems it is not about wanting her back. Could it be that someone who loved and needed you has got on with her life, she's over you - that is the unsettling thing. It is often the case that you hope an ex will harbour feeings for you, hold a candle. When they clearly move on it can seem a rejection even if you were the one who did the dumping. If you don't want to meet up with her with a view to getting back together (she may not want to anyway) you need to get yourself out of the addiction of tracking her. You know it is doing you no good. So treat it like an addiction. Stop all your activities that trouble you, write yourself a plan. No looking at Facebook etc and all that. Take each day at a time - then see if you can get through a week of no tracking her. It won't be easy. But like any addiction. Knowing you have a problem is the first step. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (2 February 2011):
 For goodness sake, contact her, ask how she is and see if you can meet for coffee! Perhaps you'll find you both want to get back together - or that you don't and either way can be at peace!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (2 February 2011):
The ending of a relationship is hard on anyone. But maybe it has to do with what you mentioned in your question. Perhaps you thought that you were going to be better off without her and you'd move on with your life and it would be better than ever; all the while she would be sitting around her filthy condo, cyberstalking you, and crying for you to come back.
However, she's out enjoying her life and living like she could give two-hoots about your relationship so it's bothering you because she's in a better place than you are. But remember it's all about personal choice. Although, we can't help how we feel, we can do things to try to change how we feel. Clean your condo, put your computer away, and go out and have yourself some fun. Once you get that all done, you'll feel at least 95% better!
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