A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiancée and I have been together for two years (living together for 1.5 years); we were supposed to get married March of 2011. I love her more than my own life and would stop at nothing to make damn sure that she's happy.But last month, I totally effed up. I got drunk at a party and had sex with another woman. I woke up with this other woman sleeping next to me and my first thought was: "Oh. Shit."For the next few days after that, I contemplated how I was going to tell the love my life. I made her a very nice dinner after she had a long day at work and I sat her down and took a deep breath.Her first reaction was shock. Then she gave me a blank stare and threw up on the floor. She started crying and yelled at me, "Does this ring mean nothing to you!? YOU PROPOSED! We're getting married in six months!"Believe me, I pleaded for forgiveness but to no avail. There's no excuse to cheat and my fiancée had every right to freak out on me. I know this. But it's not like me to cheat, I'm in love with my fiancée. That other woman means less than nothing to me!After that, she packed up some of her stuff and has since been living with her sister.I've called her at least 10 times a day since she moved and have begged her to have lunch with me so we can work this out. Yesterday, she finally agreed and I noticed she was still wearing the engagement ring I gave her a year before. I considered this a good sign.I felt like I was walking on egg shells with her the whole time and I could tell she was very indifferent to me. She wasn't sure whether to believe me or to walk away. I just wanted to hug and kiss her and tell her it's all over and it will never happen again. Because it won't happen again.She told me we should post-pone the wedding until further notice so her trust in me can rebuild and perhaps, one day, she can look at me without wanting to vomit. That last part really hurt, but I was understanding.And earlier today, she came over to tell me she finally got into Nursing school. I wanted to kiss her right then and congratulate her and asked her if I could. She was resistant (but I did NOT pressure her) but she let me kiss her. It was the best kiss I'd ever had.I missed the softness of her lips and the smell of her hair and the way the sun reflects in her eyes. I told her that, too. She started crying and I kept apologizing. She said, "How can I ever trust you again?"I told her I was drunk and had no idea what I was doing but I loved her and only her and will spend the rest of my life proving it. She told me things will only get better if she can see me every day and go to couple's counseling. I agreed and Wednesday at 6PM is when we start counseling.But I'm still afraid that she'll change her mind. Should I just continue this until one day she does or one day, she doesn't? I don't to live on false hope but I also never want to lose her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): You say 'the other woman means less than nothing to me'. I think that sums up the kind of person you are pretty well. I hope your fiancee finds someone who can be faithul to her. Being drunk is the lamest excuse in the book. You did the wrong thing take responsibility for your actions.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 October 2010):
 The alcohol didn't make you do it, and it's surely not an excuse for your actions. You set yourself up for it by drinking excessively and apparently being flirtatious with the opposite sex..Don't drink, therefore you won't get yourself in that predicament again.
Done with my harsh words..Now Cerebus is correct it is a sliver of hope. If I were you and you really do love her like you say you do I would continue to kiss her rear, give her the space she wants, and continue with couples counseling. She's right to postpone the wedding because she's afraid of the doubt she is experiencing with you. Basically, you're on trial. She will decide your fate when the time comes, so if I were you I would be on your best behavior.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Its simple. The costs of alcohol outweigh any benefits you may receive from it. Therefore, completely stay away to avoid these situations. Hopefully a life lesson learned here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): You crossed a line that you can never again uncross. This relationship will never be the same, never be what it could have been, if it can even survive this. If I was her, I would have left you the minute you told me. She can never trust you again. She should not. You do not deserve it. If your relationship does not survive, do not be surprised.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 This may sound rather blunt and unhelpful but false hope is better than no hope at this point because it sounds like you two really love each other, there has to be something to cling on to and if must be 'false hope', so be it. Whatever it takes to give you a chance at redemption. I don't know if you see my point here but, there it is anyway...
You have done the right thing and no doubt you have already thought about, if not already completely ridding yourself of alcohol. She really does love you and the way you described her, in my eyes at least, proves that you really do regret what you have done and that you truly love her. There is no reason why her suggestion will not work, it will help to rebuild the trust that has now been displaced. Never getting drunk again will give her more of a reason to trust you.
But she is hurt right now, building trust between you is one thing, you need to also make her feel as though your words meant something, you need to make her feel the love you feel for her. Make her see it, make her hear it and everything will be alright. Eventually, the bitter wounds that currently bleed will be nothing but faded marks on your relationship. She will never forget but she would have forgiven you.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 if you came on here to have us say were are so sorry for you then your'e wrong.
i side with her on this one
you say you were so drunk you didnt know what you were doing, sorry but i dont buy that.
drink is no excuse for what you have done.
how often do you drink to this extent, was this a one off,or is it a regular thing?.
i think you need to grow up, how would you feel if she did this to you?.
if you cant be totally honest, then she's right not to trust you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Here's the good news...you WILL get her back. She would not ask you to see her and go to counseling if she had no intention of staying. You have a good woman there, and I really hope you realize that. Whatever you said, sold her to an extent, and you have counseling to reveal your heart and solidify your solidarity. Dont fuck that up!
Bad news...your relationship is forever changed. It may be changed for the better...if she accepts and forgives you completely. Or it may leave a shadow that will plague your relationship for as long as it lasts. Either way, you WILL have to play by her rules until thre is an outcome, and probably long after that.
But you cant dwell on mistakes, only make amends for them. You have that opportunity, and hold onto it with both hands...if you truly love her, and it sound slike you do.
But you DO have to analyze why you slept with another woman. Even in my drunkest moments, I knew if I was about to cross the line, and I pulled it back in. You can't sell me on the alcohol thing. If I lost enough mental capacity to somehow sleep with a girl unintentionally, I probably would be too drunk to get it up anyway. I swear, whisky-dick is natures way of preventing us from fucking up. Are you even sure you had sex with this other girl?
You have a good woman there. I cant say that enough.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Here's the thing. Usually when people are drunk, the alcohol takes away the inhibitions that keep us from doing this type of thing in the first place. In your fiance's mind, you did what you've always wanted to do, and it's killing her that you could even look at another girl, much less sleep with her.
For most women, sex is a deeply emotional bonding experience, while to many guys, sex can be meaningless and worth nothing except a quick ejaculation and some soft skin. You put yourself and your fiance at risk for an STD, and you could get some stranger pregnant.
You should get yourself tested, as up to 15%-20% of people could have herpes and don't know it. Another 5-10% know they have it but don't disclose it.
The poor girl must have really loved you if she became physically ill at the news. Basically, you have to start from square one and try to win her affections again. However, you have forever changed your relationship and her feelings for you, and there's nothing you can do about it.
If you want to move forward, and she's interested as well, it might be good to talk to someone on the outside (i.e. counselor, paster, trusted older friend, someone else who is respected) and work through this.
Remember, telling her that the other girl meant nothing to you does absolutely nothing to help your case. What's going through her mind is that SHE was the one who is worthless if you could even consider cheating while drunk. You put your fiance out of your mind while cheating with the other girl. You probably told the other girl you were single and said all the sweet nothings to her that got her into bed with you in the first place. (I know this because even in this sexual society, the line "Wanna fuck" right after introducing yourself still doesn't work!)
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Well I've never been in a situation alike myself, so I can only as a woman give my outsider view. It's good that you realise how wrong you've done and you are regretfull. It's shocking the amount of people who don't have any consiense at all.
This woman might of meant nothing to you, however the fact that you've broken the special intamicy and bond between you and your partner shows that you don't respect her. There's no doubt in this situation that your fiancee loves and cares about you much more than you do her. Sometimes people get confused with the differences between love and sex, you telling her how the other woman meant nothing won't make a whole lot of difference. It's the fact that you have been able to be intimate with another women, to some people, when in love, the thought of sleeping with another would turn one's stomach.
Drunken state doesn't excuse anything which I know you're aware of, I've never understood that. There's been times when I have been stupidly drunk and had someone try and come onto me, I tell you it near sobered me up, because natural reaction to sleeping with someone other than my boyfriend sickend me. What I'm trying to say is, no matter how drunk you were, you still 'wanted' sex with the other woman.
Personally, I think your girlfriend obviously thinks the world of you if she is giving slight signs of hope for your relationship, but I don't believe that trust can ever be reformed once it has been broken in such a way. I've known other people in similar situations, and I have to say that no matter how hard they've tried to work through it, no matter how much love for the person, they are too taunted and disstressed about the cheating to ever possibly get over it.
I think you should just carry on the way you are doing, letting her know how sorry you are try to gain her trust back, that's all you can really do and only time will tell. A very important thing you must do is put yourself in her shoes, really try hard to do this. Imagine it was the other way round, would you give her another chance, honestly? I know I wouldn't give my boyfriend another chance if he cheated on me, but all I can say is that everyone's different, she may be able to forgive you one day. See how the councilling goes, just take it a day at a time and don't have too many expectations.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Ok well good for you for being honest with her and telling her you cheated at least you had the courage to do that. Ok so you say you were that drunk you didnt no what you were doing? well then i suggest that you stop drinking as much in actually fact if your fiance means the world to you maybe you should stop drinking alcohol al together if this is how you behave with it, i believe you that you love your fiance so right now you have to put everything in to the relationship right now. Ok well she is a smart girl for suggesting therapy i think this is exactly what the both of you need, you both will be able to open up and talk about how you both feel and hopefully understand each other, it should bring you closer, her suggesting this tells me that she does want to try to be with you again its just right now she doesnt trust you, which is understandable, you need to do everything in your power to show her everyday how much you love her, im quite confident the both of you will be able to work this out, good luck
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