A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Question for mothers and Fathers.I'm 22 weeks pregnant with my second child who I have been with for 4 years.Me and my partner 'Jay' got into a huge argument last night about the when the time comes for me to have this baby. He obviously want to be at the birth so we need someone to look after our other child. The only person that can is my mum and sister who is 17 but even they live a city away though it's only a 40 min train ride.I don't want my mum at the birth and am dreading telling her as I know she wants to be there (She was unable to be at the first birth) Jay dose not want our daughter staying somewhere other then our home and that is fine as my mum can stop over night but he also dose not want anyone (being my mum) at home when we come from the hospital. Meaning, I could have the baby at 3-6pm and be released in the following morning. Visiting times are 6:30-8pm so no one maybe able come in that night and if they don't I could be released in the morning sometime to go straight home, they don't keep you in long now at all.If this if to happen he is saying would have to tell my mum to go home in the morning even though she has been there looking after our daughter. It's like we are using her and I don't like that. He wants time with our new baby and really he wants JUST his little family around for when we get home. That is fine, I understand that.But I feel like I am excluding my mum by chucking her out in the morning as if to say "Well we don't need you now. goodbye" plus like I said she want to be at the birth I don't want her so she is going to feel unwanted as it is...His mum lives away and would not see The baby for about a week so he is like its not a big deal... I don't know what I should do. I dont want to argue anymore, he never listens and make me feel dumb. But I dont want to hurt my mum. Thank you for reading.. Xxxx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): I am the OP. Thanks for a your advise part from the anonymous woman who posted second to last... Your don't know my up bringing and you don't know if I have asked her to do it.. Yes I have and yes she wants to.. I have the up most respect for my mother if I didn't I would be so afraid for hurting her. I think you are the one with daughter/mother issues.. I want advice not to be insulted.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): Your husband is a major jerk and entitled brat. Your mother doesn't qualify as part of the family for cozy hallmark moments? But she is considered part of the family when it comes to being expected to do favors? And then he gets to put terms and conditions on the favors he's demanding?No you put your foot down and say no. Your mom will not be treated like a free maid/nanny service. She will stay the night and be included as part of the family as she rightfully is!!! He has to learn that if you ask someone to do you a big favor its wrong to then be disrespectful and hurtful to them. If he doesn't consider her family enough to share in the hallmark card moments then she is not family enough to be obligated to do him favors so he should stay home with the older child while you're at the hospital.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): He is selfish and inconsiderate. Yes he is suggesting to use your mom and then chuck her out the door. Is he at least going to pay her an equivalent amount as if you were to hire a babysitter? I bet not! I bet he expects your mom to do it for free too. And funny how you two haven't even asked your mom if this arrangement is agreeable to her. You just assumed she would do it for you. Basically you two need to hire a babysitter for that day. Your mom is not obligated to do anything for you just because you're giving birth. No one is. If you want your mom's help then treat her with respect. Don't want to treat her with respect then don't use her help, pay a stranger to do it. Your mom raised you and made sacrifices for you. The least you can do is to show her some respect and not use have her do even more for you.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 Yeah I wonder too why exactly whatever Jay thinks or wants needs to be taken so accurately into account in this particular time of your life. Who is giving birth, you or Jay ?...Who should feel safe, comfortable, serene and not have to worry about the organizational details ?
You know, just recently I was reading that in some obviously not very woman-friendly Middle Eastern country ( sorry can't remember which one exactly ) , yet the birth of every child is a time where the woman must be coddled, pampered, and indulged for the first 40 days . She is not supposed to do anything at all, other than laying in bed, breastfeeding, eating delicacies , and receiving congratulation visits. No matter how poor she is, she is not supposed to lift a finger , her relatives friends and neighbours will clean her house , do her errands, and bring her cooked meals everyday. Not that I advocate the introduction of this system, or treating a new mom as an infirm... just to say that even in the most male- dominated, backward societies, were normally the life of a woman is all oppression and hard work, society lets her be center stage for a few weeks ,if she gives birth.
I don't mean to scare you, then again you gave birth already and you know is going to be no picnic- you may have stitches, you may feel achy, unwell , exhausted, moody... and when you go home you have to worry about contending with Jay's tantrums and meeting Jay's demands, ... rather than Jay thinking " Now, what can I do to make her first day back home the happiest, smoothest , more comfortable possible ?"... Heck, you are the one who gets to push a baby out of her vagina, you are the one who should get whomever she wants to greet her at home and for just how long she wants !
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 YOUR the one who is PREGNANT why is this all about what HE wants?
are you afraid of him?
does he have a temper?
is he abusive to you in any way? because if he is and you are doing this to please him and keep the peace eventually this behavior will transfer to your children....
watching a young child and a new baby is work especially after something called LABOR... something JAY will never get.
If he does not want you happy when you are pregnant what do you think will happen later on?
are you staying out of fear?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2013):
 What do YOU want? Your partner should NOT dictate how it's should be it should be a compromise of what you BOTH want.
I think he is being ridiculous, honestly. If he doesn't want your mom there when you get back home, book her a room. YOU might need her the next few days after the birth. I would have given my right arm to have had my MOM with me or near me when I had ANY of my 3 children.!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2013):
 I think you need to "box" Jay's ears and tell him to grow up!!!!
Good luck...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 August 2013):
 You've talked a lot about what Jay wants. (He sounds like a bit of a pill, sorry.)
What do YOU want? YOU are the mother. YOU are the one going through the birth process. Everyone else is a bystander.
You two are going to have lots and lots of time to be just a little family.
Tell Jay that it's going to happen this way and that he needs to learn to go with the flow. He has some very restrictive and controlling thoughts going on there, I wonder if this is typical of him?
"He never listens and makes me feel dumb." Not good.
Set it up the way you want, don't listen to him, if he feels dumb, that's his problem. If you are fearful for your personal safety or he is a violent man, then you have a different situation and you need to leave for your safety as well as your children's safety.
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female
reader, Mariab +, writes (27 August 2013):
 I think that Jay is being really selfish! And you don't have to say YES to everything Jay says! How would it hurt him to have your mom stay over a night or even a few nights? Jay can have his own little family around him for ever so what's it to him to not have your mom over when she is kind enough to babysit your daughter?
He is putting you in a difficult position of making you choose between people you should never have to choose between - your mom and your partner. If he doesn't want your mom over and he doesn't want your daughter to sleep out and he doesn't want your mom to sleep over then it seems the ONLY solution is HE stays home with your daughter and you have the baby alone then come home to his little own family! He is very selfish! And you need to stand up to Mr. Jay Special Demands!! Good luck hun and if I were you...seeing as I am the one having the baby... all the conditions would be set by ME!!! xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Well, I think he should listen to you and respect whatever you want to do.
YOU'RE HAVING HIS BABY!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Sounds like he just wants a babysitter and doesn't really care about you or your mom/family.If you don't want your mom at the birth, only Jay, then don't let her come all the way just to babysit your other child while you give birth and then "chuck her out" the next day. That isn't right. Especially as she wanted to be at the birth (not her choice) and wants to be around.Your best option sounds like getting a trusted babysitter who you can pay. That way, when you both arrive home the next day, you pay her, she leaves and no hurt feelings for anyone. Then you let your mom know when it's convenient for you both for her and family to visit, which will probably be around the time Jay's family visits too.It's your right to say you will be uncomfortable for her to be in the delivery room. It's also your right if you BOTH agree that you want your own little private family getup when you get home, although, I'm sure it would really help you as your mom is willing, to babysit, and be around for the first day or two while you recover. Unless Jay is so great he will help you with everything? He sounds quite controlling and it's not all about him - you have a say too, and YOU are the one giving birth - so make your wishes, desires and dreams known too, and compromise!
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female
reader, Thetruthisugly +, writes (27 August 2013):
 Hi, speak to your mum, let her know your concerns and I'm sure she will understand and be there for you. Your not using your mum that's what family is for, to help out and support their children. Put it this way if it was your daughter and she needed your help....what would you do??
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