A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone,Thanks for taking the time to read my post.I am a 35 year old women in a relationship with a 38 year old man. We have a good relationship and have been together for about 7 months. Recently, I was at his daughter sweet 16 birthday party, and noticed that he was really friendly with the teens at the party. Since it was a small sweet 16 it was only 6 girls and one boy. His interaction was not inappropriate, however when he is around them he acts like he is their age; He has a very young energy and it's part of what I like about him. The girls seem to like him too, but again he really acts like one of there peers, which I have to admit really does make me uncomfortable. At one point I overheard him talking to them saying something to the effect of the "peeing picture is really cool."At some point at the party, I went outside for a smoke, and one of the girls was out there. We were talking to her, when her other friend came out. While we were out there smoking, I noticed he kept glancing at them, and at times smiling and laughing and commenting "that's cool." This really bothered me, I just felt it to be kind of inappropriate behavior for an adult especially with 16 year old girls. So, I very nicely asked, "Why do you keep looking over there?" and he said something about how the girls kept look at my cigarette. In any case, he stopped doing it and the night continued fine.The next day, I made a comment about how he should look into his behavior with these girls. Something along the line of him trying to be less peer like and more adult, boundaries, how other can misinterpret his behavior, and that these are young blossoming women. He seemed to understand, even mentioning to me that one of the mom's seem to question him about why he was always at the events and seemed just a tad off-put. He said he agreed and we moved on.So later this morning, I went on his public yet very own google plus account, and saw the really "cool peeing picture" he was talking about when he was hanging out with the girls. She is in bikini bottoms with a swimsuit tank top and is holding a water ballon-between her legs, and it looks at though she is peeing on a boy buried in the sand. I was really upset. Primarily because we JUST finished talking about this and he posted this the very next day. I felt it was a slap in the face considering that we literally just talked about it and then he posted this picture the very next day commenting how funny he thought it was. To me this is just not appropriate behavior for a grown man. It really made me sick to my stomach because of all I mentioned to him prior.So, I called him, and he was clueless. He said he thought it was funny, and really didn't make the connection to our conversation the other day. I tried not to ream into him, I was angry but tried to really hold back. He seemed to need to process this, and I said that I understood he might have thought it was funny (like I said, he REALLY is very young at heart, although responsible, and is a prankster by nature) and I wasn't claiming to be right, but that it made me very upset esp. in light of our previous conversation. I am just not sure if I am over-reacting. I do believe he is clueless, although it is hard for me to fully understand how that is so, although I have known him to do similar things in very different situation and have felt there is and a sensitivity chip missing with him. I don't have kids, but I just know that it made me feel very uncomfortable and I had to address it based on that feeling.What say you dearcupid? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for all your input on my situation. I really appreciate all the feedback!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): His behavior around teen girls is creepy. He is basically very close to flirting with them or hitting on them. That's what it is when older men try to act like teenage boys when there are teenage girls around
If the girls were not there and it was just the boys, would he also be acting like he was their age? Or only if the girls are there?
Either way its creepy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 August 2013):
 I asked at what age he started drinking/drugging for a reason
the reply that he's sober for 5 years is good news.
HOWEVER the AGE he started using is the emotional age he probably is stagnated at.
MY husband is 12. Seriously. His BC says he's 40 but trust me his first drink was at 9 his serious using started at 12... my husband is emotionally 12 years old....
the age an addict starts regular use is where they get stuck unless they do A LOT Of work...
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A
female
reader, Lola333 +, writes (28 August 2013):
What I meant was is that I see a pattern. A pattern of either self involvement and/or immaturity. You asked him to basically step up and act more adult. On the surface he agreed with you then he responded by pretending he didn't understand you and did what he wanted by posting the picture.
And he is hanging out with teenage girls and trying to act like he is one of the kids. Once in a while fine, but almost once a month? Has he ever made noises about being attracted to any of them. I would try and have a calm conversation with the mother who expressed concern. Then I would watch him. But only you can decide what this is. Though the fact that you are writing here tells me that you are not comfortable with his behavior.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much everyone! The feedback is great.To answer So_Very_Confused questions:1)Would you have felt this upset if it was boy teenagers he was this close too?No, I probably would have not. There is a different dynamic and these are young women who also responded to his attention much more enthusiastically, which is different than to how I see the boys react to him. He is not in constant contact with his daughter friends to clarify. He sees these girls once a month or so at his daughters drill team events. Sometimes it is much more during a certain season, but as a general it is only once a month.2)Does he have full custody of this child?No, he get his kids every others weekend.3) Are there other children?He has two boys with his ex-wife who the kids stay with and are remarried. The ex-wife has another child with her husband.4) Does he drink or use drugs? If so at what age did he start?No, he has been sober for the last 5 years. I also wanted to address Lola333:I think you made some great points! Like I mentioned above, he doesn't hang out with these girls often. The picture he posted that I was bothered by was when he went to the beach outing with his daughter, her friends, and a few moms. This was the first time I personally saw him interact with them. The mother who asked a few questions and who he felt was kind of "feeling his intentions out," was also at the party and seemed very nice and comfortable with him.But what I wanted to ask you to elaborate on is this idea of their being a pattern. I think it's important although I must admit, I don't think I fully understand the implication and would really like to.Thank you all so very much. From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate this so much.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 August 2013):
i have ONE question... would you have felt this upset if it was boy teenagers he was this close too?
does he have full custody of this child?
are there other children?
how often does he see her?
does he drink or use drugs? if so at what age did he start?
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A
female
reader, Lola333 +, writes (27 August 2013):
While on the surface his behavior that night does not raise alarm bells with me, the fact that he likes to hang out with 16 year old girls does. He hangs out with them enough that a mom expressed her concerns about it and yet it did nothing to change his behavior. You expressed to him that you thought his behavior was less than adult and the very next day he posted the picture. He even said he didn't see a connection between your conversation and his behavior. See a pattern?There are many possibilities that could be going on here. He is incredibly immature for a grown man, not youthful but immature, he is passive aggressive and does what he wants even after agreeing to stop, he is lusting after these girls and does not want to stop. None of these things are good. Not only do I not think you are overreacting, I would go so far as to say that you should reconsider being in a relationship with this man unless you see immediate change. He is skating on dangerous ice. Do you want to fall in with him?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2013):
 I would say that your "boyfriend's" mental growth ceased about 22 years ago. You need to decide if you want to continue in a relationship with a sixteen-year-old....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 I'm going to be really blunt here and say that the only thing inappropriate was you smoking with the 16 year old girls. Your bf was probably being sarcastic when he said, "That's cool". Other than that, I'd say you were over-reacting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Some people are just great with younger/older people than their own age and he may be one of those people.Nothing you shared indicated a red flag except you're having these uneasy thoughts and then when you discussed it with him, he mentioned one of the mom's questioning him about always being at these events and she was a tad put-off...Seeing as he does get along with them and there was no real red flags, perhaps it's just something you can monitor but allow him to be himself as it is something that endeared him to you in the first place.You may have had the discussion, he listened and agreed, however he found the photo funny and didn't see the harm in it, based on his reactions to your call. He does not seem to be hiding anything, acting weird or defensive, instead, he seems pretty calm about everything and just enjoying himself.
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