A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Girls, please give me your words of wisdom!I have not have sex I like over a year! I’m not ugly or anything! Just been real relaxed, REAL RELAXED about – getting out there.I hate one night stands – just not me. And this really isn’t about sex anyway I much prefer to sleep with someone I actually like!Thing is it takes me a while to be comfortable with someone. I love being intimate, I am masseuse so love touching and being touched, kissing, flirting, talking. Every time I meet a new possible love interest (which has been a long time!) I seem to always screw it up and hurt people. I’m pretty laid back and open so people generally warm to me fairly quickly. When it’s a girl that I like and that likes me, everything runs super smooth – you know the getting to know each other bit. The little dance people do around each other, subtlety flirting, eyes catching, those little intense moments where you lock eyes and have a sort of telepathy – well I love all that! But I take things slow maybe too slow; it will be weeks maybe months before I want to sleep with them.Girls always think I’m playing mind games or something, leading them on for my own sick enjoyment or something. I know all you guys out there are probably thinking, “haha man what a woss!” so go shove it! Girls often tell me I am quite feminine in my views of things and I guess I wouldn’t disagree with that. I can’t go from flirting to bed! I like to be naked with a girl, touch, just be relaxed – I’m pretty casual about being naked, as an artist I have little if any shame about the human body. But when I get to that “stage” if you like, I guess they expect sex or “something” at least, but I don’t associate being naked or even sleeping in the same bed, with sex – it’s just fun to do! I like it. I love skin touching and feeling her naked body against mine – I do get horny of course but just don’t feel “comfortable” enough to do “that” But like I said this often causes problems and I always have the same questions thrown at me, do you find me unattractive? Why don’t you want to sleep with me? Are you gay! – (I am an actor (theatre) so that never helps!)It always ends the same way, I say, “look it’s not you it’s me okay”. Which is the truth for god’s sake! But they never buy it!Now I just sort of avoid getting even a little bit close to someone, I ignore any flirting that comes my way and don’t do any myself. But it’s starting to get me down now, how am I ever going to meet someone!? I love being in a relationship, it’s been a year and I’ve had less action than the pope. What am I to do? What am I to do!Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, supersquirrel  +, writes (16 August 2007):
 i loved nothing more than being naked with my ex. it was months into our relationship before we first had sex (though it was our first time ever) and i can honestly say that in future relationships i will do the same. if the guy wants sex when i don't think we're ready, he'll have to wait or find someone else.you should both be comfortable with each other before you have sex, some people feel comfortable straight away, others can take months. i think it's better to leave it longer as you know each other better, and it's better when you feel comfortable together.and Frank B Kermit: being naked in bed with someone does NOT mean that you have to have sex. to me, sex with my ex meant he loved me (like i know he does still, we went our separate ways only because my education is more important to me than a boyfriend) being naked together was just our way of expressing how comfortable we were with each other.he is neither teasing these women nor leading them on, he is looking for the emotion in the relationship before getting too physical (which is, i think, a very valuable trait in a guy)guys do not understand this usually, i'm glad that you do, you're just not finding the right girls.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 August 2007):
 I'm with Frank. And, I must say, the Pope sees a lot of action, though not the "action" you make reference to.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (4 August 2007):
 If you want to be in a relationship, have SEX with these girls. What is making it so wrong is that you are violating all of her emotional needs becuase when it is time to have sex, you refuse.
You stated: But when I get to that “stage” if you like, I guess they expect sex or “something” at least, but I don’t associate being naked or even sleeping in the same bed, with sex – it’s just fun to do! I like it. I love skin touching and feeling her naked body against mine – I do get horny of course but just don’t feel “comfortable” enough to do “that”
You do not associate being naked in bed with sex? Dude, what the heck DO you assocaite it with? You are pushing an intellectual construct here, and it does not work in the real world. You are being a tease, and unfair to these women you claim to care for. You can not be mad at them for feeling like you wanted it...just becuase YOU do not feel comfortable with it, does not mean they should do without it. STOP TEASING AND LEADING THESE WOMEN ON LIKE THIS.
I have to ask you: ARe you afraid of sex? Were you sexually abused at some point? Are you qquestioning your own sexual orientation? Could you be asexual (devoid of sexual desire)? Do you secretly hate women, and this is your way of inflicting emotional damage and rejection on them? Your actions scream that something deeper is going on here. I hope you will sincerely look within yourself at your behaviors.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (2 August 2007):
 Im really not seeing a problem here. Whats wrong with waiting until you have got to know someone? I dont think there is a problem. Are you sure you're not just meeting the wrong girls so far?As long as you know there is no deeper issue to it, and that you simply prefer to get to know someone first then hang on in there. There are girls like that out there too.And im with you about one nighters, tried it, doesnt float my boat.Who cares what anyone else says.If girls dont hang about cuz your not jumping into bed with them, wait til the right one comes along.C xxxx
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