A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When I had been dating my partner for a couple of months he showed me his old school friend's facebook page who had just married. He said his friend'a wife is so attractive and and he thought he was punching above his weight when they were dating. I told him jokingly that I had seen enough puctures of her thank you and yes I got it that he fancied her and we laughed it off. They are now visiting from abroad next month and he wants me to meet them. I really dont want to knowing how attractive he finds her. Its making me want to opt out and find an excuse not to go out for a meal. He hasnt seen his friend in years an probably wont again for a while.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017): I am OP and it is interesting how this is unfolding as I am complimented by other men about how attractive I am and I couldn't give a damn, unless this comes from my partner.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2017): Hi
The other answers are right I am sure, but I just want to point out that this can be a tactic used by some people to make you insecure. To never compliment you or be affectionate towards you and then go overboard about others. I hope that this isn't what he's doing, but worth bearing in mind.
Go to the dinner and remember that you're attractive too. And be aware that this type of behaviour exists and is not rare. Watch how he behaves with this in mind. It's often done when the person is punching above THEIR weight and they want to keep you down.
I have been in three abusive relationships and this was a common occurrence.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 August 2017):
 OP, you don't sound demented just insecure.
If you want compliments from your Bf, try and give him one or two. See if he picks up on that. And it's also OK to tell him, you know, I wish you would compliment me occasionally.
But really you don't NEED a guy to tell you that you are pretty or whatnot. Compliments are nice, don't get me wrong but don't "live" for those.
I see people who have the most MESSED up relationship (and these are grown up folk) constantly using the "I love" you and other "pretty" phrases but... they actions don't match their words.
Saying "I love you" doesn't make it true. words are cheap.
If your BF shows you he cares it means 100 times more than just saying stuff. But if he isn't fulfilling your needs for verbal affirmation, maybe long term he isn't for you?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 August 2017):
 OP, you do not sound demented, .. but , allow me, a bit teenagerial, well, yes.
He does not put kisses on texts ?... What, like : xoxoxo... ? And this is a big deal ? Pardon me again, but honestly, I think even my two nieces ( who ARE real teenagers ) would be rolling their eyes. No " I love you " comments ? This is good- love is a serious thing:) and I love you means a serious emotion, not to be squandered away in futile chitchats and irrelevant moments. If you say it every second, then it gets devoid of any real meaning and intensity ! You do not even have the excuse of being American ! , they are the worst in that "remember to pick up the laundry at the cleaners, I love you " " oh why did you buy this Gorgonzola cheese, it's so stinky, I love you ". But you are British, I expected a bit more sense. And sensibility.
Ok, I am clowning a bit, but , my point is : do not assess love , and committment, and depth of feelings, based on mannerisms and romantic cutesies. To some people they come spontaneous and natural, some others ,they just do not have it in their DNA; but at the end of the day, love is actions, not words and teddy bears and valentine cards.
Now, I appreciate teddy bears and red roses like the next woman, I am no Xena the princess warrior. If you can find a good man who also send you text kisses and calls you my little koochiehoochiepoochiemousie, or other terms of endearment to your liking :), that's great. But words and text kisses just signify an effusive personality, not real care, real attachment. That, you've got to see it based on other things.
Is he reliable, sincere, faitfhul ? Can he fight fair, can he compromise ? are you compatible, sexually and intellectually ? Does he treat you with respect ? Do you have fun together, do you bring out the best out of each other ? Does he support your dreams? ...And so on and so forth. Basically, most everything ...BUT how many kisses he adds to his texts .
Now, you do not say much about your relationship, so, it all depends. If, for instance, he is the type of guy who will ogle at anything with two legs and he is always leering at hot chicks and you can't even go out for a walk without him embarassing you with his roving eye- then, you would have a point in feeling insecure and being offended. But, all you mention is that he said that a friend's wife is a beautiful woman-
If that's all , yes, you need to mature a little bit. The world is full of beautiful or clever or otherwise noticeable women, and if he has to zip his mouth and never utter a casual appreciative remark in fear of triggerong your jealousy and competitiveness- eh then I don't know if you can last, this type of thing gets annoying in a short while. You do not need to feel in competition because you have ALREADY won the competition. You got the guy . He wanted you. He chose you.
You don't believe me ? Think Mark Zuckerberg. His wife is ok looking, but surely not a smashing beauty . Do you think he could not get or have gotten someone more glamorous ? A world famous young genious, a billionaire, in fact one of the richest men on earth ? He did not get one because he likes what he's got- he likes Priscilla. Which does not mean that there aren't more attractive women than Priscilla around, and that Zuckerberg is unable to see the difference.
I guess you'd say that differences in looks exist , but a good bf would not comment on them. Again, it all depends. If your bf is always sniffing around like a bloodhound, in search of hot chicks, and gives you the impression that he would trade up in a heartbeat if he only could, then yes, you 'd be justified in feeling upset and mortified and also in dumping him. But if he limits himself to the occasional , dispassionate comment, of whoever happens to see something exceptionally eyecatching , whether it be a woman, a building, a statue, or a car - then relax- and congratulate him for his esthetic sense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2017): OP here. Thanks and I understand that I sound like a demented teenager. It would be different if he paid me compliments but he never does and never has. There are no kisses on texts or I love you comments. He can quite happily point out how pretty or clever other women are. I don't chase compliments either.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (8 August 2017):
 Please don't blow this out of proportion... really it's no big deal meeting an ol' school friend and his Mrs. Yes the wife is attractive and so are you when you go meet instead of making it known to all you're insecure.
If he acts inappropriately gaga at dinner then I'd say you have an issue to remedy, but not beforehand!?
Meanwhile you may not realise what you're doing is passive aggressive. Looking for an excuse not to be there... For example, some people go so far as to cause an argument with their partner not to do something they feel uncomfortable doing. Please don't let any of this be the start of this behaviour.
At some stage in our life we're going too met with situations that make us awkward or uncomfortable. Yet it's how we deal with these situations that make us more appealing and strong. Confident individuals.
I suggest you look at the fact he's introducing you and him as a couple to his married friend and not asking you to stay home. I'd also understand that their topic of conversation is going to be about their school days, which may make you feel left out of the conversation. This of course is not about being rude to you; it’s about them catching up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2017): You're behaving like a jealous tween! If he wants you to meet her; it's only because he feels you're just as pretty, and isn't hesitating to show you off. He seems secure enough about you that he isn't hesitating to introduce you to his buddy's new wife. You'll have to meet eventually.
Reality-check! Plus a super-dose of maturity-serum!
Men don't go deaf, blind, and dumb; because they're in a committed-relationship. Noticing women to be pretty is supposedly common for "heterosexual men." Is there a new international law that says men are never to say aloud that another woman is pretty or beautiful; if they have a wife or girlfriend? Such a rule will be violated billions of times! Apart from being totally unenforceable, including stupid.
Your boyfriend is being a big tease by claiming how surprised he is that his friend could pull it off. The brunt of the joke is his buddy. Not you! Your sense of humor has been poisoned by toxic-jealousy and insecurity. She's probably the most lovely person. I guess you don't care.
Your deep-seated insecurities can only force you to compare yourself to other attractive females, and lower your self-esteem. If he went blind and mute in the next 30 seconds, you wouldn't feel any different about yourself. So he's not to blame. He's restricted to telling only you how pretty you are? I don't mean belittling or berating you before other women, I mean just making an off-the-cuff observation.
It's not a beauty contest. You're making it one. He's not the most handsome guy you've ever met, nor ever will. You are not the prettiest female he'll ever know. Just the one he loves the most. Such is life.
In fairy-tales, an evil queen was obsessed and never happy because she wasn't the fairest in the land. It wasn't enough that she was beautiful in her own right. She had to be the palest and the prettiest. The moral of that story is you can be consumed by your own vanity and jealousy. She didn't get a happy-ending. Nor did she deserve one for all her narcissism and hatred. Why didn't she just smash the big-mouthed mirror, and feel secure in her own beauty? Don't smash your boyfriend! Just tell him to chill all the enthusiasm over his buddy's wife. It's inappropriate and hurts your feelings. That's more than enough. The rest is your problem to deal with.
Don't hate on someone you've never met. Don't hold someone's looks against them. Don't hate yourself for how God designed you. Is your boyfriend plain and ugly? What does he look like? Is he Prince Charles, or Prince Harry? Is he the best you can do? Is he insecure about not being totally hot?
Your attitude and maturity-level deducts several points on the looks scale between 1-10. So how far down do you fall from a 10? Chill-out, girlfriend!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 August 2017):
So what? Are you now going to avoid any female he thinks is attractive?
Why?
She might be a super great person. Who knows you might even make a friend in her. So why be petty? Because she is prettier than you?
OP, there will ALWAYS be people who will be prettier than you, smarter, stronger, faster, happier - whatever than you. SO what? You get to MAKE your life the best you can and work with what you got.
Though.... don't be an insecure petty person, it's unattractive.
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