A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband knows how I feel about watching porn behind my back and lying about it. I don't like him watching it at all because I know that my body doesnt compare to those girls (after having his baby my stomach was severely covered in stretch marks). So I asked him just to be honest and tell me when has has watched porn because I dont want to have sex with him for a couple days after that. And I also told him that if he looked me in the face and lied to me about it again (he lied several times) that our marriage would be over. Well...I just caught him still looking me straight in the face and lying that he did it...when i know for a fact that he did...I don't know what to do..I don't want to lose my marriage over porn...but I cannot trust someone who will look me in the face and lie.
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female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (1 July 2013):
 It's not "using sex as a weapon" - it is a very real feeling when the intimacy has been trashed to not want to sleep with your partner. If my partner had looked at porn then came to me for sex, having been turned on by the porn, then I wouldn't want him anywhere near me. Likewise, if I was getting all steamy about Brad Pitt, then I wanted my partner, I expect he'd feel pretty pissed off too. There are enough problems on this site caused by porn use, that to advocate it is wrong. For those currently accepting of porn in their relationship, come back and see us in a few months and let us know how prolonged porn use in a relationship affects it??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): What works for me is embracing any desire he has to watch porn, and enthusiastically participating. Seriously. I understand body issues; have had them for the majority of my life, not so much now because of the way my honey has validated me. Like you, I have stretch marks all over my butt (too much junk in the trunk too fast at puberty) and am not perfect, but I realize that my boyfriend watching porn is not AS A CONTRAST to having sex with me, it's because he wants to explore different thoughts, modalities, types of sex.
We have joyfully watched it many times together, and I have been careful to be accepting, rather than ultimatum-giving. He is a good, loving man who has the super hots for me, and he has told me that he watches porn quite a lot less than he did with his ex, because he's getting fulfilled and validated with me. Does he still watch it by himself? Yes, sometimes. I don't take that as an insult. I take that as an adult male's sexual curiosity. He usually comes and tells me about it, what type of porn it was, what he thought about it, what was hot and what wasn't, etc.! I'd rather he feel free to explore and be open with me rather than feeling like he can't be open.
This is gonna sound a little 1950s, but using sex as a weapon...please, please don't. It can only hurt the relationship, never help.
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female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (28 May 2013):
I understand you OP perfectly. You are being honest about withholding sex and I have the same thought process as you. It's not that you are wittholding, it's just that HIS porn use means you have no inclination to have sex with him. It would be like me getting all hot under the collar about Brad Pitt, wanking to him, then telling my honey I was ready for sex because Brad had got me all warmed up. Some might say "you wouldn't say that to your partner", but without words it's the actions I'm looking at . You see, it does get in the way of intimacy. And some men do single out specific porn actresses, so I'm not sure how this marries up with people saying they watch the act only!! If he doesn't want to stop, then you may have to consider leaving him. The lying is NOT good. Would I lie if I was put on the spot - the answer is NO. If I truly enjoyed something then I would have the cojones to say so. I wouldn't lie about it. Some men just don't want to be kicked to the kerb, they want to have their cake and eat it. This behaviour is repulsive to me. It's for your to work out OP whether you can stay with a liar and a jerk off?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): "Is it too much for ME to ask that I don't want to have sex with someone who JUST masturbated to some perfect girl?"
Not at all OP, but guess what, no sex means he has no choice but to masturbate during those two days and he's going to use porn for that as he's so blatantly told you.
So again you're just shooting yourself in the foot. What do you think he's going to do on those days of no sex OP, read a book?
So you know 100% that's he's also masturbating during those days, you've made it so has to. So how long is the no sex going to go for or are you just willing to lie to yourself and think he didn't masturbate during those days?
Best of luck OP, he's been honest with you enough to say he's never going to stop. Well that means you're going to have remove sex completely from your marriage too, because as you said, it's your right.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 May 2013):
 Okay, I was married before the Internet. My husband had a huge collection of Playboy's and Hustler mags. I made him burn them in front of me. From then on I said "no collections" . If he bought any porn it was a one time only whank (maybe two). Once Internet porn was available it was the same rule, no downloads just simply one time. Made things very simple for both of us. And just between you and me and the fence post I did occasionally check, hence my name.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): "Is it too much for ME to ask that I don't want to have sex with someone who JUST masturbated to some perfect girl?"Believe it or not, looking at porn does NOT necessarily mean he was lusting over some "perfect" girl. Some just watch it to see sex, or a sex related act they like to watch, but wouldn't necessarily want to try in real life. I can understand why you feel the way you do, but not having sex with him obviously isn't going to work in making him stop.Have you ever tried to talk to him about in a non-confrontational type way? Maybe the reason he doesn't want to discuss it is because he knows you'll judge him. Unfortunately, at this point it may take awhile for him to trust you enough to open up to you about it since you've gotten to angry and hurt over it every time you talked to him before. So you'll have to be patient. Prove to him you can talk about it without getting angry, judging him, or punishing him.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 May 2013):
 I also have a lot of links on my profile you may find helpful. Best of luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): Thanks for the suggestions. I may have to check that book out. And Cerebrus, That was exactly what I did...I told him how it made me feel..how much it hurt me...and he said he wouldn't stop watching it for me even if it meant losing me. And that I'm crazy, stupid, insecure...etc. And if I were confident then I wouldn't care. That is his reaction when I come to him truly hurt. So I have given up on him ever boosting my confidence because he NEVER says anything nice to me. So because he won't compromise, I don't know what else to do but to not have sex with him. And it's only for one or two days...that is not bad at all really. Is it too much for ME to ask that I don't want to have sex with someone who JUST masturbated to some perfect girl?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 May 2013):
I think you two should seriously consider marriage counseling.
In the meantime there is a book aimed at couples about this issue called "The Porn Trap" by Larry and Wendy Maltz that is definitely worth you two reading. It helps you understand why he is so compelled to use it despite being sexually satisfied and helps him understand why it's so hard on you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): I think you shot yourself in the foot here OP. I understand not wanting porn in your life, that's your right of course and nothing wrong with that but you really thought blackmailing him with the threat of no sex was really going to make him honest about this?
"Please honey, be honest so I can punish you horribly for something you don't feel is wrong to do." How was that supposed to work?
I'd lie about something so unreasonable too. Using sex as a weapon is low OP, it's like you didn't even discuss this with him in any kind of meaningful way. You just decided now that you're insecure about your body because of your tiger stripes (which are a badge of honour OP and in no way diminish your attractiveness) he's the one who has to suffer that, you're going to take it out on him by blackmailing him in a way that pretty much forced him to lie to you.
Yes OP, he knows how you feel about lying about it and watching it behind your back but you really made it catch 22 here. It would be very ignorant of him to watch it in front of you or shove it in your face when he's watched it when you feel so insecure about it, the women here would throw him off a cliff for being so inconsiderate, and he also faces a sex ban from you as a punishment if he does that too.
Can you not see how he pretty much has no choice but to be sneaky and devious about it, not only to protect your feelings but so that you don't ban sex?
I'd lie to your face with a smile on my face if you were that petty to me OP. Because guess what, I'm an adult man and like your husband you can talk to me and we can reach some kind of reasonable resolution on this.
I'm sure he'd bend over backwards to improve your confidence, to help you realize your tiger stripes are a beautiful mark of being a mother, that your attractiveness has not diminished in the slightest to him that you're still the beautiful woman he married and he may well give up porn to help facilitate that.
You see OP you say nothing about talking to him and asking him not to use it at all, you say nothing about seeking any form of compromise on the issue you just really seem like you want to trap him, like you made it so he has to fail so you can take your insecurities out on him.
You made it so he can't win, and that means you can't win either here OP. You set this up in a way that you 100% knew he would fail, don't try and tell us you didn't, you knew he'd slip up here.
Why? Are you really trying that hard to sour this marriage? Do you want out of it? Because it very much seems like that to me OP.
The only relationships I've ever had where my partner was doing everything in their power to be angry at me and setting up inescapable emotional traps for me were ones where they didn't want to be with me anymore but they wanted it to be my fault it ended to sooth their egos or something, I don't know.
If you want out of this marriage OP be a woman about it and walk away yourself. If you really don't like his porn usage then why are you not asking him to stop outright, why are you not talking him through your real issues here and getting your confidence and sex appeal back with his help?
Time to really consider what you want here OP because to me you're being unreasonable and emotional. There are better ways to deal with this situation than to set up traps for your partner to step into. But I guess that's what you want, you don't want a resolution you want out and you want him to be the one you blame. Well guess what OP, if this ends it's not because he lied to you, it's because you set him up to lie, knowing he would.
Time for you to do some serious thinking here OP. I can't possibly see how you could love a guy and do this kind of thing. I can't see how you really want to stay married with a guy you keep backing into a corner. Maybe this marriage just isn't for you and he can't provide you what you want from a man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): Thank you guys for the advice. For a while I did try to give him as much sex as possible. I tried doing all of the dirty things that he likes. But still as soon as I leave the house, he goes to the porn. That makes me feel as if I just wasted alot of time trying to please him and I wasn't enough. Porn wouldn't be a problem to me if I were out of town or working all week. But when we have had sex multiple days in a row (even when I was tired and didn't feel like it)he still looks at porn the minute I leave the house. That makes me not even want to try to please him if he's just going to go back to that every time. Is it wrong to feel insulted by that?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 May 2013):
 Many women make the mistake of feeling threatened by porn because of the bodies of the women on them. Men don't sit there and compare those bodies with his partner's and critique every flaw and wish "I so want my wife to have fake boobs and have sex with upwards of 1000 men for a living, fake-moaning like her fake orgasm is splitting her clitoris like a 9.0 earthquake along the San Andreas fault".
Porn to men is like a vibrator is to a woman, only men are visually stimulated. Porn is random visual images used to self-stimulate. Unless he's got an addiction where he is refusing sex with you in favor of masturbating three times per day, and it's affecting his job, his erectile function, and his ability to keep a life balance, then what, exactly, is the threat?
I can't stand lying either, but you're trashing your marriage more by thrashing him with sex withholding as punishment for his porn use than anything else. What upside is there to him telling you the truth if you plan to make him suffer for your insecurities?? He is not cheating on you.
There's really only two choices here -- either accept his porn use, or leave him. You can't dictate and control another's sexuality, or you will cripple your marriage. He will not stop using porn. He'll hide it from you better. A porn star paid to do unspeakable things while pretending she likes it with more silicone than Microsoft is not a threat.
It's okay not to like porn, but what will you give up? Do you masturbate? Do you watch romance movies? Read romance novels? Use sex toys? That is your private sexuality. Yes, both of you set boundaries in your marriage, but you have a huge probability that you'll drop your husband for another guy who also uses porn.
Now, let me ask you a *very* logical question -- if what you're so afraid of is his using porn because you don't measure up, then why the need to withhold sex from him for a couple of days? If you truly didn't measure up, wouldn't he be not touching you in the first place? Your reasons sound good on paper, but your actions belie what you say. A woman truly threatened by porn would screw her husband's brains out constantly in an attempt to tire him out so much that porn doesn't interest him.
Let's put it another way -- say you're a great cook and only want him to eat food from you. He secretly eats both your food and gets a meal at McDonalds on the sly. You find out and get pissed at him because McDonalds threatens your skill as a cook and you secretly think that he likes that more than your delicious cooking. Why would the solution be to starve him?? Won't that push him to the McDonalds more, even though the food is nasty and unhealthy? Wouldn't the proper remedy be to cook him so much food that the mere thought of McDonalds make him puke?
Sorry to oversimplify, but you might want to re-think your entire view on porn, and if you can't live with it, he might not be the man for you.
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (26 May 2013):
 You've backed yourself right into a corner over this. Personally I think if you have a problem with porn, although that's your prerogative, it is YOUR issue. I don't think it's fair or realistic to impose that issue on anyone else, such as your husband. If it was a greater issue, like him prefering porn over having sex with you then yes, that would be cause for concern. But as you have described it seems to me that you just don't like it because it makes you feel insecure. And that is YOUR issue, and I think making it a big issue in your marriage was a mistake.
But he HAS lied to you about it, and you don't want to be married to a man who lies to you, so go ahead and leave him.
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