A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I owe my life to my dad; I know I do and he wants nothing of it. I know this post is long but please, the details are needed. I need you all to understand the fact that I can't not live without my dad in my life. He's done everything for me under extremely hard circumstances.I was far from being born with a silver spoon in my mouth as my parents were both 15 and had only been dating a year when they had me. My mom was kicked out of her strict Catholic home the moment she came out that she was pregnant... at 14. Luckily for her, my dad's family, however unsupportive of such a young couple having a baby, gave my parents a place to live without rent and free babysitting until they were both 18 and graduated high school. At which point they would both be expected to get jobs and enroll full-time in the local community college.Unfortunately, my dad decided to skip college altogether and get two full-time jobs so he can get me and my mom a decent two bedroom apartment. My mom went into the nursing program right out of high school and graduated two years later with her RN but decided to leave me and my dad behind for a much older doctor she met at the hospital she was working in (he was 42 and never married; my mom was 20). I have literally not heard from her since and frankly, I don't care to. So it's just been my dad and I since I was five years old.When the American economy took a huge plunger to the toilet in 2002, my dad lost both his full-time jobs; these jobs he'd been working at for almost two decades. The jobs he used to register me for soccer throughout my childhood, braces when I was 12-16 and even buying me a decent car when I was 18 so I can get to places when I left for college, he became severely depressed. I wanted to stay behind and go to the college my mom went to and help him out but he refused to let me gamble my future in that way. So, struggling more than ever, he sent me to UIC in Illinois for six years while I got my MSN.Afterward, I immediately signed up for the Air Force using my degree to accelerate my "climbing of the military ladder". I stayed in for the full eight years, meeting my husband no less and had our first child at 31 (my husband was 34). I wanted to join the peace corps before I really settled down, so I ended up doing that for another five years. I had our second and last child 10 months after I got back home for the last time. I was 37.I always thought my dad would come out of this stronger because that's how he is; he's a real survivor. Especially being the single dad of a daughter. He had no idea how to raise a little girl but I turned all right, I think. :-) Unfortunately, he's been an alcoholic for nearly 20 years now and his liver is quickly deteriorating and he's been on the transplant list for over a year because he refuses to take half my liver even though we are a perfect organ match and mine can grow back!What can I do, I have no idea. I just know that I'm panicking and as a 40 year old woman, I haven't felt this vulnerable about anything in my life. My husband even tried talking to my dad; they are practically the same person when it comes to sports and politics and what not, so I thought maybe he could get through to him. And nothing. My dad is only 55... I don't know what to do...He told me a few months back that if his time is coming soon, so be it. He will die one of the happiest men alive because he raised a well-rounded, intelligent, strong, confident individual and he did it by himself. He also got to see and play Santa for a couple grandkids and that is all he wanted out of life. How can I, a 40 year old woman, feel like this, though? I've digressed to a five year old girl who needs a hug from her daddy. To tell me everything is going to be alright. It doesn't make sense and I just need some reassurance. My husband has been doing a fine job, of course. But... I don't know. Please... help.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (12 August 2012):
 It is painful to see a loved one in such suffering. Especially one that loved you so much. As much as you wish he would accept your offer to carry him this one time, the only thing you can do is continue to make the offer. He is in a lonely place right now and cannot hear you offer, but for his sake you must continue to hope on his behalf. Be vigilant because you never know when he will reach out. When that moment comes you have to grab him by the arm and pull him out of that lonely place.
Keep at it. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (12 August 2012):
 Your Dad seems very depressed and his diagnosis is daunting. He just can't a life beyond what he has right now. You can offer to take him to counselin sessions, tell his doctor to put him on an antidepressant so he can make more clear cut decisions about his health but if he has no one to share his life with, he may very well have no will to live. Is it possible to help me meet women his age who might befriend him and give him a new lease on life? That might work. So start looking for some ladies who might want to go to dinner with him. There's nothing like a new romance to make you feel like you are alive and want to continue fighting for your life. I hope it works. Otherwise there's nothing you can do if he has no will to survive this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2012): I understand how devastated by your Dad's decidion you are. My father had emphysema, and needed a lung tansplant. Even though I was a perfect match he would not accept me giving him one. It hurt me like nothing else, I tried explaining to him how much he means to me, how much I love and need him, but he had accepted that his life was coming to an end. I can see how much you love your Dad, My Dad also did everything for me, sacrificed so much for me and I could not bare to think of life without him, I tried everything to convince him to fight, to have the transplant and let me give him one of my lungs, but he would not do it. In the end I had to accept it, it was his decision and as much as it hurt me, I had to accept it. When my father came to the end of his life, and I was in the hospital with him, I kissed him and told him how much I loved him and told him it was ok for him to go, I would be ok because he had given me enough love to last a lifetime and had given me everything I needed to be ok. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I saw in his eyes the relief and serenity come over his face, and he simply said I love you too, I'm so proud of you. It was the hardest thing I have ever endured, but I know that my acceptance of his decision and the fact that it came from a place of love brought him peace and serenity. It was hard, but in the end I did the right thing for my Dad. It sounds to me like your Dad is much like my father was, he is resigned to the fact his life is coming to it's end and although it hard to accept, all you can do is make sure that you tell you him you love him, that you do still need him and how you feel about his decision, hopefully that will make him reconsider his decision. It may not make him reconsider, and if not you have to think about how much pain he is in and accept his decision. Believe me it is not a case that he wants to leave you, it is more likely that he is tired and has accepted his life is coming to an end. Try your best to prepare yourself for his passing, and make the most of every day you have left with him. He is a wonderful man who has raised a beautiful and loving daughter.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 August 2012):
 Your Dad has sacrificed for you through your entire life. That is who he is and what he wants. As much as we hate it when people make these decisions, sometimes the ultimate act of love is not giving a liver, but respecting and accepting the decisions they make.
I can understand how you feel as I am also 40 and my dad means a lot to me, but if his mind was made up on something, I know I would not be able to change it.
Have you tried writing your dad a letter and explaining to him what you've told us? At least if he still will not accept your offer, he will know exactly how you feel about him and wanting to help him. In the end though, you may have to honor him by accepting the fact that he is turning you down.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (10 August 2012):
This is a tough situation. The problem you face is that it seems that your Dad has decided that, from his point of view, he’s had all that he needs or wants out of life, and because he’s reached that stage where he could die a fulfilled man, he won’t do anything about his drinking even though it sounds like his health is very poor. Unfortunately you do need to try very hard to prepare as much as you can for the possibility that he will not get on top of his addictions and that it could claim his life. Unfortunately, denial is easier to crack than resigned acceptance, and it’s resigned acceptance that’s stopping your father from wanting to do anything about his alcohol abuse. It’s clear that you love your Dad very much, but only he can choose to do something about this, and if he is overcome by it in the end, you’ll have nothing to reproach yourself for. All you can do is try to convey to your father two things: firstly, how much you need him. Perhaps he’s got some peace in life knowing that you’ve a family who can take care of you, perhaps he doesn’t realise just how much you still need your dad. Secondly, think of all the things he could still see: more grandchildren perhaps, or watching the grandchildren he has now grow up, get married, have careers; you get the idea! Also don’t be afraid to be tough with him: tell him how his drinking makes you feel and how frightened you are about losing him. It may be that you’ve all been trying to hide from him the impact of his choices on your emotions, but actually he might need to see it.
So these are the things you should try if you haven’t already. He needs to know he’s loved, still needed, still means the world to you, and has so much to live for, and so much pain that his death will cause. If this isn’t enough to make him do something, nothing will be. Do prepare yourself for that possibility, and make sure you let your husband support you as much as he can through all this.
I wish you all the very best.
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