A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Im with my girlfriend 5 years.We got engauged a couple of months ago and ever since we are not as close.I am happy about 70% of days but to be honest when we are out for a night I find we are very quiet with one another.We have sex about once a week as we both work hard.It will be very difficult to break up as she is organising the weeding.I sometimes think its me and my issues with commitment.I am 35 and she is 32.I want it to work as I dont want to have wasted her time but it think Im bored of her. and I dont have a driving pashion to walk up the isle with her but I do have strong feelings for her Im all mixed up and beginning to get depressed about the whole thing.Please help?
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (12 August 2012):
 I think you should call off the wedding. In fact cancel it altogether. Go back to the way things were and see if your feelings return. It might just be the pressure of a big wedding that's stressing you out. If you recover from this and find that you really do love her try to elope next time. Less fuss. Less drama. Just the basic vows. Sometimes keeping it simple is the best way to go. Good luck. I hope you find your love again. I'd hate to think I wasted 5 years with a guy who woke up one day and said, "Never mind..."
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 I don't see that any of the issues you mention here are things that will ruin your relationship. Real couples have silent moments, real couples may only have sex once a week, real couples have jobs, come home tired, and may only have enough energy to fix themselves dinner and watch the evening news. This is real life. Being a couple isn't always exciting. Sometimes it is quiet and sometimes even boring. Sometimes you don't feel connected. That is just how life is.
But even though sometimes life may not be too exciting, sex may not be as frequent, and you may be too tired to go out to a movie or grab a sandwich, you still can't imagine living your life without your partner.
I firmly believe you can have pre-wedding nerves and may be wondering if this is the right thing for you. A lot of people have those same feelings and they are completely normal. However, if you really are not sure, you need to talk with your fiance before she does anymore planning. Like Denise32 said...people may be upset, but you won't be making a lifetime commitment to someone you're not sure about. If you are not sure, you have to talk to her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 August 2012):
 How about considering pre-marital counseling? It might clarify exactly what you want. Be it to get married or not.
But letting her happily plan a wedding you don't think you want to have, is not fair.
You need to talk to her as well, put the plans on hold til you two have sorted this out, one way or another.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2012): What you are describing is just the plateau phase of a relationship. If you had got married within the first 6 months or so, it would have been a great romantic dream. But after 5 years, the relationship has developed and changed. When/if you have children, it will change again. This is all about growing. To be honest, if you love this woman, I don't think you should panic - I think you should accept that you love her, and want to be with her, and think about the next phase - building a life and family. There are a lot of riches in a good life - not just sex and feeling as if you are madly in love all the time.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (10 August 2012):
 It's not unusual to have "wedding nerves." After all, getting married is a huge commitment with the expectation that it will (or should be) for life. Not a good idea to get married with the thought that if it doesn't work out we can file for divorce.
True, marriages don't always work out, and people do divorce. Even the best relationships encounter both minor and fairly major "bumps in the road" from time to time and have to seek to resolve them.
However, from what you tell us, it seems to be more than wedding jitters. You need to pluck up your courage and have a good, sit-down with her when you both have some time and are in a calm mood, hopefully free from distractions and talk openly to her about your concerns and feelings, then be willing to listen to what she has to say. Perhaps she has already sensed some of what you are thinking anyway.
If you really do want to resolve things with your fiancee then some premarital counseling is in order for both of you so you can get some perspective on where you both stand and what you want. It goes without saying that it's important to get these issue sorted out BEFORE the wedding!
If worse comes to worst, and your marriage is called off, then consider that even though she'll be hurt and angry, you may blame yourself, and families and friends may well feel let down, etc., then hard as all that is, it's infinitely better than getting into an "unsuitable" marriage!
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