A
female
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anonymous
writes:My partner and I are engaged to be married next year, I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. The children have really bonded and we are happy as a family, the problem is his ex. When the child was born they broke up and have been at war since, my partner had to drag her through court for 4 years to get visiting rights as she doesn't even keep to the court order. Since we met the ex has allowed us some extra time with the child but normally she will claim it back on another occasion by saying she facilitated my partner. She always causes arguments because we only have contact every two weeks but then she claims she has family events last minute and refuses to bring her to us. We normally speak to my step daughter once or twice a week if the mum answers the phone however we recently gave the child a phone and she has been calling us every day, sometimes twice a day saying she misses us, this is making obvious to her mum that the child loves us and is craving more time with us. She says she wants to come over more but when we tell her just let your mum know and we will then speak to her, she asked us if we can talk to her instead as she feels 'shy'. She loves being with us and asks me if she can call me mum, wish she does when shes over at ours. It is heart breaking when shes meant to come over and her mum refuses to meet up or changes the plans last minute, this affects my child as her as my step child and the plans we made need to be cancelled and we have to break our promises to the kids. We have tried mentoring, and meeting them (the mum and partner) but nothing comes of it. She is in a new relationship and has a new baby with her partner but my step daughter doesn't seem to be bonding with her new sister at all. She is very selfish mother and makes the child aware of her feelings towards my partner, yet she tries to be very nice to me, when we do the pick up and drop off of my step child. i love that child and don't know how to make things better as this is affecting all of us, she has since found out of our engagement and things are getting worse. We are thinking of applying for full custody but we dont think we stand a chance, any advice?
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 August 2012):
 HiIf the child is at her Grans for days at a time she should at least be getting cared for properly there,without having to care for the baby. Which is good.You and your Ex deal with the access of your daughter differently,which is fine,she gets to have 2 families that love and care about her.If your partners Ex is struggling with looking after a baby and her daughter then she needs help to cope.Sounds like her mum is doing what she can.Maybe you should get your partner to approach the problem differently, say he is willing to have his daughter more so his Ex gets a break. The father of the new baby, he needs to step up to HIS responsibilities, he needs to have the baby at HIS house sometimes as he 'doesnt want to live' with the mother of his child or the child.Sheeesh.Its not ideal for your step daughter but her mum is her mum.However, if she really IS grossly neglecting both children and you are concerned they are at risk,emotionally or otherwise, call in Social Services.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, thanks for your posts again, No I'm am not living in fairy land, my step daughter doesn't get pumped for information as 'aunty Bim Bim' suggests, I am aware of what goes on in that side of the family because my step daughter tells us and the ex partner tells us that they wont live together because she (the ex) is very controlling. My step daughter is being emotionally abused because she is afraid to talk to her mum about us, but is free to talk about her new step dad and little sister as much as she wants. How can you say there is no indication of abuse based on what I wrote, she comes to us filthy and tells us her mum doesn't play with her, doesn't help her get dressed, washed and she plays mummy to her baby sister (gets up to make the baby breakfast while the mum sleeps). Thats too much for a 7 year old to deal with, at our house she gets treated as equal and has everything the same as my own daughter. The step dad doesn't live at their house and he tells us he doesn't want to as he has his own house, plus the mum was committing benefit fraud and has recently been caught (as she has told us herself). My step daughter refuses to call her mums new partner step dad even though they have been together as long as me and my partner have been together, yet this very weekend ( I was gob smacked) she referred to me as mum and dad when talking to her mum on the phone when she was at ours. There are many signs of emotional neglect and abuse, I too found it strange at first that she wanted to call me mum as I understand a child that is well emotionally supported should not need to look for the emotional comfort from another woman. This post is not about defending my intentions of of why I love being a step mum, I was simply asking for advice on how to deal with an ex that is stuck on the past, that puts her feelings before her own child and cannot move on to increase the contact to her childs other side of the family because she still' hates my partner'. It is not just us who are hurting when we dont see our step daughter, her grandparents and uncles/aunts dont get to see her too (from my partners side). 'Aunty Bim Bim, how can you say it is ok for the mother to behave how she does because she 'facilitates extra time', since when does she deserve more time that the father? She already lives with the child and doesnt even stay with her, the child is always dumped at her nans so the mum can be out with friends. We all love this child, so why cant we see her more, majority of times we will drop her off and then she is dumped at her nans by her step dad and she wont even see her mum for a few days, yet we must take her back on the time on the dot. As an example my ex partner gets to see his daughter as often as he wants because he is equally her parent and regardless of what happened between us the child is not to blame and should be allowed to see her other parent as often as she wishes, that is what good parents do, not refuse access just because you still have issues with your ex. What makes it different for my partner and his ex regarding their child?? Only the child should matter, and in this occasion the child wants to spend more time with us, shouldn't the child's feelings be taken into account?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 Your update had not been updated when I posted my response.
How do you know how this child's mother treats the new partner, how do you know this child is not being encouraged to bond with her new sibling. Have you been in the house and witnessed this for yourself, or basing your 'knowledge' of what happens within the child's first family on gossip and innuendo from others, or, even worse, by pumping the child for information, and her telling you what she knows you want to hear.
She is not being abused. There are no indications of abuse. The mother is not being a right cow at drop of and pick up time, if her mother allows you extra time with her, it is only fair she be given extra time back, because yes, she has facilitated her father's request.
You say her mother's behaviour has gotten worse since the engagement was announced, could that also coincidentally be when you decided you wanted to form a new family with mummy daddy and the two little girls? Are you sure that your behaviour didn't change then and any changes you are seeing are in response to your increased desire to get this child calling you mummy.
My gut tells me this little girl is in more danger from you trying to create yourself some freaking fairy tale life you want to create than she is from living with her mother, her mother's new partner and her new baby sister.
As I said before, back off!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 "her partner just acts like hes her puppy so she thinks shes the boss of everyone.
i dont know if the court would take any of this into account."
No, the courts won't care unless there is physical or verbal abuse going on.
I suggest your husband gets a lawyer and redo the custody agreement. Make sure you keep a complete calender with visitation and missed visitations. Not all courts take a parent who doesn't comply wit the custody agreement serious, others do.
I understand that it's hard on your 4 year old, but you as an adult needs to explain (without talking smack of his ex) that sis can only visit on certain dates/weeks. It's always hard on kids to understand things that don't even make logic to adults.
I would also suggest that your husband and the ex gets a visitation mediator. It might be cheaper and easier.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2012): If your partner is weak the ex will destroy your relationship and the family
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 August 2012):
Unless the child's mother is endangering her there is no way custody would be given to you and her father, who has not been a constant in her life since she was born.
I get the picture you have painted for us, new love, new happy families, all in together, pretty pink frilly dresses all round sisters and mother all together, and spoiling the picture because she refuses to play, is the ugly step oops, sorry, the real mother!
I hope you are sure that you are not trying to plant subliminal messages into your fiance's daughter's mind about how his new package stacks up against her life with her mother who has raised her since birth, because that sort of crap can cause untold damage to impressionable children.
My advise is to take a step back, accept the reality, your partner has a daughter he has never lived with on a full time basis, he has only ever been a part time dad, the girl is being raised by her mother, and has been since birth. That is the reality, stop stuffing your daughter and his daughter's heads with unrealistic expectations and the tears will stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your advice. I will look into joint custody first. its a shame courts always favour mothers even if they are not good to their kids and emotionally abuse them by often allowing their hurt to overshadow their own childs wellbeing. The system is unfair, i might be biased but my partner is a much better parent than the ex. THANKS
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2012): I'm afraid what you can achieve in court is relatively little, and is very expensive usually to achieve. It can be a long, stressful and ultimately fairly pointless experience.
I think you should investigate what chance you would have re: custody - at least to have shared custody (joint). I know how disruptive it is to your family life and your little girl, as I have the same situation with step children coming and going, and our daughter getting very upset when they go.
Perhaps the best option is for you to have a baby together, then at least your daughter will have someone at home. And then to work on the joint custody. Good luck. You are not alone, and you sound as if you are doing your very best. That is all you can do.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 August 2012):
Hi
I sympathise with your problem and very much so with your partners daughter, who is stuck in the middle of all this.
As your partner wasnt with his Ex after the child was born she will have formed a strong bond with her daughter and no doubt wants her to be part of her new family and to bond with the baby,which is important.
However the Ex is clearly needing guidance and she needs to be reminded of the access rights your fiancee has legally been granted. If this means going to court again then so be it, but it needs sorting via a solicitor at the very least if she refuses to comply.
Try talking again, just the Ex and your fiancee so he can tell her about the phone calls and how much this is all affecting their daughter.As they both love her hopefully they can come to an agreement without going back to court.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (10 August 2012):
Instead of going for full custody, first get some legal advice about this situation, to find out whether she is failing to comply with any agreement or order that is legally binding and what could be done to enforce such agreements. Once you know where you stand and what actions you could take if necessary, request that you all meet up at a neutral place to discuss the situation. You and your partner should explain to her that when she changes times and doesn’t give any notice, that has an impact on all of you, and this child. Try hard to compromise: agree perhaps to an arrangement where she must give you notice of any family events or other reasons why the girl needs to stay with her, so that you can work your partner’s access times around this and that he mustn’t lose out on his time for any reason. But make it clear to her that unless she gives notice and makes a reasonable attempt to work around the timings, you expect compliance with the order and for the child to visit her father, even if you have to go to her place to pick the girl up and drop her back. Tell her that you all want to avoid further legal proceedings but that you will explore legal avenues if this becomes necessary. That’s why it’s a good idea to have a bit of knowledge of where you’d stand legally in advance of such a meeting. Try the civilised approach first, of listening, compromising and trying to agree something that is acceptable to everyone. It’s this little girl that matters more than anything and she shouldn’t be stuck in the middle of her parents’ inability to co-operate together, however much the blame for that might be one-way.
I wish you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso my step daughter is only 7 years and my daughter is 4. My daughter calls my partner daddy and has a good relationship with her biological father. we live for our kids and make sure their needs always come first. my daughter often cries that she misses her sister. we told this to the ex but she just ignores us. we invited them to birthdays and our house which she came to but the following week she will act up again her partner just acts like hes her puppy so she thinks shes the boss of everyone. i dont know if the court would take any of this into account.
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