A
male
age
30-35,
*shley0112358
writes:Ok, not quite sure where to start as i'm usually the one giving advice never asking.Key points:*My girlfriend is 20 (21 in a week), and i am 20.*We have been together for 4 years 10 months.*We had a very active sex life for the first year and a half as to be expected (we waited til we were both were legal)Main problems:*She always avoids any problems i might have, however if she has a problem we have to resolve it.*She rarely treats me like a boyfriend (sometimes treats me worse than a friend)*I'm having trouble trusting her because of the way she treats me.*stupid one i know, but, I cant stand it when she speaks to her friends about sex, i don't know if this is because its personal to me, because she spends more time talking about it than doing it or what.I am a rather sensitive guy (in terms of male sensitivity) and feel unappreciated, and even more so when i try to discus this problem. Whenever i have a problem i wish to discus the first thing my girlfriend assumes is that its about sex (and that assumption hurts me)Then it turns into a argument, usually because my girlfriend wont listen to what im trying to say to her, and she will end up raising her voice or swearing at me (this really really gets me going) so then the shouting starts, and instead of discussing things like reasonable responsible adults (which we usually are), we both end up in tears, in the end i give in (after about an hour minimum) and comfort my girlfriend and apologize, however this means we avoided the problem.She doesn't see her friends often, even though im always trying to encourage her to do so.However when she see's her friends she always ends up telling me what they've spoken about (no details just overviews) and often sex is in there somewhere, and for some reason this grabs my stomach and twists it in several directions and makes me feel sick.I love her to bits, and so far in our relationship we have worked through most things. We have supported each other through so much, i dont want to leave her but im fed up of being treated like excrement (for lack of a better non profane term) Please any advice would be helpful im sure of it. I know i have probably missed things, but right now im still a little flustered.
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male
reader, Ashley0112358 +, writes (12 September 2010):
Ashley0112358 is verified as being by the original poster of the question That sounds like a good idea tennisstar88, i will have to give it a try, at this point im willing to try anything.
Im aware women speak of sex, men do the same, but when we have barely a sex life what is there to talk about?
Thank blahblahblah, you both have given me a lot to think about.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (12 September 2010):
 Sweetie, everyone argues in a relationship..it even continues on when you get married it doesn't stop there. She sounds a little selfish, but I was too at that age. Has she ever given you a reason not to trust her? Or have you been cheated on in the past thus making you tread lightly in future relationships? Sex comes up a lot in your post, so I'm guessing that's a problem. It really shouldn't be but if you guys are arguing quite a bit that does kill one's sex drive or if one is unhappy in this relationship. Well what do you think women talk about when we get together? Not just about clothes, shoes, but of course a little about our sex life. I don't agree with her telling you about what she discusses with her girls that's info not to be disclosed. What is talked about during lunch, doesn't leave that table.
Anyways, if I had a solution to couples arguing then I would be rich. No one would ever argue again and the world would be a better place, a maybe boring one at that. I'll share with you what I learned at a marriage retreat..If you find yourself or her getting no where in the argument, a screaming match then call a "timeout". A timeout is where you stop arguing, take the time to cool off(it's longer than a hour, sometimes a day), it allows you time to reflect on the argument, and space yourselves from each other. Jump in the car and take a ride, go downstairs while she stays up, or grab your pillow and go to a friend's house to chill out for the evening. Come back when you are both calm, cool, and collected to talk civilly. Another thing I learned was Speaker-Listening Technique...they gave us this little checkerboard(use a coaster) and whoever had that in their hand had the floor to calmly talk, the significant other had to be quiet and listen. The speaker had to specify the main problem but keep it short, then give the coaster to the listener. Listener had to repeat what the speaker just said, then give the coaster back to the speaker so she/he could continue to talk about the points of the issue at hand. Then once the speaker was done the listener, actually listened to the problem at hand then they could work on a solution. After, that it was the listener's turn to hold the coaster and speak about a problem. It works a lot better than the circle of arguments but you actually have to take the time to do it.
Give what I shared a shot, if that doesn't work and this relationship continues to be all about her then I would call it quits. With that being said, I know you have 4 years invested and it would feel like you're throwing it away but how much longer can you take being unhappy? You're young, you can find a woman who will treat you with respect and give you the balanced relationship you seek.
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (12 September 2010):
 Well I think most couples go through rough patches of arguments but if it's constant then there's something wrong. Can you think of anything that may of triggered her to behave like this? With age has she became more of an abrupt person? Some people just change especially around your teenage years. Maybe something you've unknowingly done to upset her? Think of any possabilities as to why she may not treat you with the respect she once did.
You mention your sex life being good for the first year and a half.. It is possible that sometimes people, men and women, go through phases of lacking sexual interest. It may be nothing to do with you, it might just be something she's going through. How many times a week would you like to have sex? What would you consider a healthy sex life? Maybe your sex life is allready healthy but you simply want more of it.. Or perhaps you don't have enough intimate times together. I think you have to ask yourself all these things and act upon the situation. You need to make it very clear that she's being immature by not trying to solve the problem. Make it clear to her that you won't put up with this and you have to work together as a couple if either of you have a problem.
I think it's very selfish of her to talk about sex or your sex life to her friends if you are not comfortable with this, have you told her that you're not? No one should feel unappreciated in their relationship, you have to be bold about this put your foot down and if she sees that you are serious about your problems and if she won't talk to you maturely then it simply won't do because it takes two to tango, without communication the relationship is doomed.
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