A
female
age
36-40,
*rokenhearted1265
writes:I am a 26 year old female married for 4 years now to my husband. We have a 4 and 1/2 year old daughter as well as a 3 year old daughter. Yesterday, I found out that due to a one night stand with another woman, there is now a 5 yr old little girl that could possibly be his daughter. I am devastated. It all began about 6 years ago, we were dating/living together and he cheated on me with one of my close friends at the time. It happened 1 time but we ended up spliting up over the situation and later after our first daughter was born, we decided to fix our relationship, got married and began our family. Never heard from the woman again. Now....5 years later, he was served with court papers to go to court for child support of this little girl. Of course, he requested a DNA test and goes in 2 weeks to take that test. He was as shocked as I was and I feel confused and heartbroken.Do I have the right to be upset since we both decided to move past this situation along time ago or dont I???? Do I accept this child????? Do I leave?????? I havent eaten, slept or had a moments peace in 2 days now. I feel so ill towards this innocent child that I dont even feel like myself anymore. I understand that if this is his child, he is just as to blame as the mother but why would anyone wait 5 years to let this be known??? I feel as if this woman is trying to ruin our life and our family. Please give me advice as it is needed desperately. I love my husband but is this worth it?? To make matters worse, we have no way of getting in contact with this woman to find out the details of this situation or ask why she would wait this long to come forward. His family is persistant that this child should be brought into our family with open arms but I cant help but to feel differently. All I do is cry and cry and cry some more. I feel like my life is over!
View related questions:
cheated on me, heartbroken, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, simplyLeslie +, writes (19 October 2010):
I know your pain. I had similar situation many years ago. A child born shortly before we were married...and my husband and I never got to know the little boy. When he was five and our daughter was four...my husband was killed.I always wished the child was never born...my husband's sister knew the mother and spent some time with the child but they lived in N.Y. and we all lived in CA.Try and not PANIC. Maybe the mother doesn't KNOW who the father really is. It may not be your husband. You can NOT let this "ruin" your life. I know I allowed a LOT of times to be ruined..because of the existence of this child..and he DID collect my husband's social security..as my husband's sisters wrote letters to Soc Sec and said he WAS their brother's son. NOT Kidding. This was all that was needed to establish paternity when my husband died and the child was six. NO father listed on birth certificate or anything. Now my daughter is 20 and doesn't know this boy at all...they "know" of each other due to my husband's sisters.If the little girl IS your husband's...then you have TWO choices. You accept her or you don't. That won't stop the child support or fact your two daughters have a half sister.Maybe they don't live in your state. Check for free "zabasearch.com" by putting in the mother's name and try Intellius..(you pay for that). Try looking up the mom and/or her family on facebook. You may find them.It's not the child's fault..she doesn't want or deserve a father she had never known with a wife and daughters that don't want her. Try and think of your little girls..who love their dad. There are a lot of things that could happen that are worse..like having your husband killed when your only child is four...
A
female
reader, simplyLeslie +, writes (19 October 2010):
I know your pain. I had similar situation many years ago. A child born shortly before we were married...and my husband and I never got to know the little boy. When he was five and our daughter was four...my husband was killed.
I always wished the child was never born...my husband's sister knew the mother and spent some time with the child but they lived in N.Y. and we all lived in CA.
Try and not PANIC. Maybe the mother doesn't KNOW who the father really is. It may not be your husband. You can NOT let this "ruin" your life. I know I allowed a LOT of times to be ruined..because of the existence of this child..and he DID collect my husband's social security..as my husband's sisters wrote letters to Soc Sec and said he WAS their brother's son. NOT Kidding. This was all that was needed to establish paternity when my husband died and the child was six. NO father listed on birth certificate or anything. Now my daughter is 20 and doesn't know this boy at all...they "know" of each other due to my husband's sisters.
If the little girl IS your husband's...then you have TWO choices. You accept her or you don't. That won't stop the child support or fact your two daughters have a half sister.
Maybe they don't live in your state. Check for free "zabasearch.com" by putting in the mother's name and try Intellius..(you pay for that). Try looking up the mom and/or her family on facebook. You may find them.
It's not the child's fault..she doesn't want or deserve a father she had never known with a wife and daughters that don't want her. Try and think of your little girls..who love their dad. There are a lot of things that could happen that are worse..like having your husband killed when your only child is four...
...............................
A
female
reader, brokenhearted1265 +, writes (19 October 2010):
brokenhearted1265 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of the feedback. For an update, we did find out that since the birth of this child, there have been 4 men tested to see if they could be her father and I guess she is just going down the list. We are going to try to pray that hopefully the child is not his and she is just a huge whore but if that fails, then he has decided that he doesnt want to be in this childs' life. We have obtained a lawyer who is going to request that she allow him to sign away his rights to the child (child support as well ). She will probably not go for that being that she lives on welfare and needs the money but if she doesnt, we have decided to then file for full custody being as she hid the girl for 5 yrs and still has not established a job or way of living other than welfare. Give me more opinions.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): You do not need to accept this girl into your family. This is his mistake, not yours.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): You are in still in shock, allow yourself to fully feel and process all your emotions. You don't have to make a decision right now about divorcing or accepting the child. There will be plenty of time in the future to make such decisions. Give yourself time to process all this information and accept this as the new reality. Your emotions will change over time. Don't make decisions right now because you are not able to think clearly when you are in shock, wait a few months at least and see how you feel then.
You don't have to accept this child right now and forcing yourself to do so when you aren't ready could make you feel even worse. But further down the road when the shock has worn off, when the situation is no longer new and the emotions still raw, you may feel differently towards the child. And if not, that is still your right to have your own feelings since it is your husband's wrongdoing not yours, you don't have to martyr yourself for what your husband did wrong.
I guess what I'm saying is - don't make big decisions or jump to conclusions now. Just wait a few months and see how you feel then. In the meantime allow yourself to feel everything that you are feeling. If you need to temporarily separate from your husband to ease the pain then do so, whatever you need to do to protect your emotional health, just hold off on making permanent decisions for awhile. You will be OK.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 October 2010):
I'm afraid whatever you do, this is something you can't escape from. You'll have to rise above it one way other another, whether it takes counselling, time, etc. Its a shame, because you worked so hard to forgive your husband for arguably one huge betrayal, and it's come back to hit you in the face in a bigger way.
First of all, on this occasion I think a divorce/splitting up is not for the best just yet. In the 5 years that he's cheated, you've both worked hard, had two children and seem to have made it through this crisis. So whilst I understand you're angry, splitting up at this time may come back to bite you yet again in the future. I would say that before you split up, you both seek counselling to work through this again.
To add to that, I also think that this ex 'best friend' of yours would get a lot of joy knowing that she hurt you again and you left. I also have to say that she wants nothing but money. I really doubt that a woman who slept with her best friend's husband and had a child she told him nothing about has suddenly grown a conscience. She just wants the money. However, your husband might be able to take steps to control the money. In Britain, a few years ago, a woman came into a man's life with his child again. Somehow after legal wrangling, he was able to set up an account where the woman would have to provide receipts to prove she had bought things for the child with the money, otherwise she wouldn't get her hands on it. Maybe that's something a lawyer in America can do.
Finally, whether you stay or not, at some point you will HAVE to accept this child. You can run from her, hide from her, resent her etc. Because at some point, your two daughters will meet their sister, they will want to know her, they will want to know the truth about happened. And there is no way you can stop that. The only thing you can do is decide whether you want to start the process now as a family with counsellors etc, or later when she knocks at the door as a surprise. I completely get that you resent the child. I don't even judge you for it, because it's a normal reaction. But your daughters, this child and society will all say 'evil step-mom' if you can't face up to it. This is very much a case where you have to plan again for the future. Your children have another sister, and there is no escape from that. Do damage control now, and you hopefully won't have it yet again in the future in a bigger way. I wish you all the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 October 2010):
 First of all, take a huge breath. You didn't cause this, and you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You do not have to accept this kid, which is evidence of the horrible pain your husband caused you.
There are many reasons that someone waits years before suing in court for child support. First and foremost, there's the money issue. Second, the mom may have changed her mind and wanted this kid to know her dad. Your husband is obligated to this kid, but you aren't.
Whether you stay with this guy or leave him is completely up to you. Your kids and this other kid are completely innocent in this, and they are the real tragedy here, as they're caught in the middle of all this.
It's okay for you to work through all this again as if it had just happened. This is a consequence that will affect your husband for life.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntieSnap +, writes (17 October 2010):
Hi sweetheat,
You both must be going through hell at the moment. Of course you're going to feel devastated and resentful of the situation. Its a bolt out the blue and you need time to come to terms with it.
Why has'nt this woman got in touch before now? This should have been sorted at her birth with a DNA test done asap to ascertain whether your huband was the father and shame on her for leaving it this long and not allowing her daughter contact with her potential father. You both need to know the reasons why she left off contact for this long, there may be a valid reason for it. Or it could be she is a manipulative bitch. What "good friend" would EVER contenplate sleeping with their friend's bf if she thought anything of them? It does take two to tango and indeed he is not blameless in this by any stretch of the imagination, but for her to do that to you was bang out of order. She could have said no, pure and simple. Gut feeling on this? Sounds like she has burned her boats elsewhere and is going for the easy target. Why on earth did she not contact you both like any normal, decent person would before involving the courts? She obviously has a hidden adgenda and sounds like she is out for herself and what she can get. You both need to be strong and stick together because the slightest chink in your armour will be exploited by her so put on a united front and stand strong. Until this is resolved it will be hell and yes you probably cant stand the sight of him at the moment, however there is also the possiblilty that the child could be someone else's so is it worth breaking up on the word of a potential liar?
I really feel for the wee daughter caught up in all of this, because if she his, none of this is her fault and you know this in your heart of hearts being a mum yourself. You have to ask yourself is it really the daughter you resent or the thought of having the mother back in your lives after the snash that was caused last time? Dont let her destroy what you both have.
You sound a strong, sensible person and I think you will both weather this particular storm. Life and marriage are very unpredicatable, bit like air pockets on a plane all ups and downs.
God Bless,
...............................
A
female
reader, cheannryl  +, writes (17 October 2010):
 "My husband",stnd for it.he is yours.
No matter what,always be there at his side.you love him,then don't give up.love your husbnd perfectly,he needs you.
Why not tell him everything,how you feel,that you're angry,sad,anything.
Understanding and forgiving,he needs it.
And of course trust and pray to God.
I'm not yet married,but if i am,surely i'll do what i've said.I wont let nobody dstroy my marriage.wont let anyone tear us apart,cause that is love.love worth fighting for.
...............................
|
