A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 6 months has a lot of great qualities but our sex life is lacking. He can't always maintain an erection when we're having sex or when he can he can sometimes he still can't orgasm. He says he watches a lot of porn and masturbates on nights he doesn't see me so unless he waits 2 days (he's 50) he can't do it.This is starting to frustrate me and we've talked about it a few times. He says his hand has a tighter grip then my vagina (sorry if that is too much info) and the sensations aren't as strong as his hand. He also says we have a great relationship otherwise (I agree) and sex is not everything. I agree that sex isn't everything but it is an important part of a relationship. Otherwise, aren't we just good friends? I don't want to give him an ultimatum: pick me or masturbation/porn but his choice is having an impact on our sex life.
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erection, orgasm, porn, sex life, vagina Reply to this Question
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 July 2014):
 Te this sounds like you've already made up your mind that his pleasures need to be more with himself than with you,ergo the ultimatum would be a good idea to let him know why you're going to leave.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm the original poster. I should have added more information and in response to a few people that answered:Danielepew, you have a valid point about being less sensitive with age. But when he hasn't masturbated for a day or two then he can maintain an erection and can orgasm. He only has an issue staying hard and finishing when he's been masturbating a lot. He's a great guy and I don't want to break it off but it's frustrating when this happens so often.Mistresskiki, he's very willing to please me orally or at least try to have sex even if he knows it won't work. He's very affectionate, cuddly, kisses at other times. I know what Kegals are and whether they work or not I have no clue because I have no basis of comparison. It's possible my vagina is too loose but he's never said that. And besides he can stay hard and orgasm when he hasn't masturbated for a day or two. He said he knows he has to stop with it but sometimes when he's alone and horny he can't help himself. You might be right that we'd be better off as friends but it makes me a little sad because I'm falling in love with him.And thank you to everyone else who took the time to answer.
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A
female
reader, Mistresskiki  +, writes (22 July 2014):
I stayed in a marriage for a LONG time (we were in our 30s then) where he claimed that he wasn't able to perform, and used the 'sex isn't everything' excuse. I tolerated this,a s I thought the rpoblem was my problem (apprently I was too tight and it hurt him - oh dearie me what a problem being too tight).It turned out the real reason he wasn't interested was that he simply wasn't interested in me. We split up and he's having a fine time of it by all (well his) accounts.Have you tried tightening up? Exercise can help, and it would remove at least one excuse. Also, does he pleasure you in other ways using fingers, mouth, toys etc? Again, if he really is interested in you he will be delighted to oblige and it may reignite a long-hidden spark.I do have to agree with others and say that if he isn't prepared to abstain from masturbating in order to achieve an erection (and 50 is still relatively young for it to take this long, in my experience) then it sounds as though he really isn't interested in you as a sexual person. Good friends might be a better way for you to go with him, and you find someone who is prepared to make an effort physically as well as emotionally.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Many men complain that their penises become less sensitive with age. If you think about it, it's only normal: if every other part of the human body decays, why should the penis not decay as well?
Diabetes is terrible for penile sensation. As it is for other parts of the body as well.
Every man knows that a hand has a tighter grip than a vagina. He's right there.
I don't think an ultimatum would work. Giving him one would mean that you think he's choosing porn and masturbation, as opposed to having a problem he can't solve.
Now, if this is not what you want from life, act as you think you must.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 July 2014):
 It's OK for you to tell him, "choose me, or porn".... and, then, if he chooses porn, you know that YOU are "second fiddle". You really shouldn't choose to be that....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2014): Tell him to cut down then. I mean if it takes two days for him to be able to perform then he can at least make sure he waits those days so he can.
An ultimatum won't work, and you shouldn't do it. You should however let him know how serious an issue it is and that you need it's spoiling things for you.
He knows the problem, he knows it's a problem but the only reason I can think why he hasn't done anything about it is because he doesn't realise the seriousness of it.
If he brushes this off or uses the "sex isn't everything" excuse again, then no ultimatums, just walk.
OP we have a duty to sexually fulfil our partners (unless it's agreed upon that's not the case).
If he doesn't fix this when he knows how, and after you've explained how serious it is then there's no need for an ultimatum you just walk.
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