A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I write in a midst of confusion. I have ended a 5 year relationship with my boyfriend due to his do or die determination in dating site memberships. It has been a constant cycle of him getting caught, lying, convincing me I am seeing things, then convincing me he wont be risking what he has any more for the sake of dating sites. The last 3 years have been horrible. I know he will be approaching me soon with the same old shit, and this time he will be wasting his breath. I have difficulty understanding what goes on in his head. Albeit, I still never caught him cheating physically but cannot believe he didnt. If anyone understands the psychology of all this, please let me know. I dont need advising not to go back with him, as that definately wont be happening. Thank you for reading.
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male
reader, Pingu22 +, writes (14 February 2012):
It's really not easy to say what could be going through his head based on this short description - if you don't even know, then we can only speculate.
What is clear to me is that you still feel to need to understand him. So go ahead. Talk to him and find out, for the sake of closure. Just make it absolutely clear it's over - he's more likely to be honest with you if he knows he's got nothing to gain by lying.
Hopefully then you can just stop wasting your time with him and get on with your life.
A
male
reader, UncleMichaelUK +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Hello Anonymous,
I've just been sitting here reading your question on Dear Cupid and thought to myself, "Oh my! This sounds so familiar with the position that I'm currently in with my own Boyfriend who is seemingly addicted to online dating sites!"
I appreciate that you say you don't need advice but I hope that you may accept and welcome my few words of support. Sadly there are some Guys out there who just haven't got it in them to be monogamous, why I have no idea. In my opinion you are right in not wanting him back; You need to stand firm for the sake of your own mental health and wellbeing.
Hang in there and hold your head up high for you have done nothing wrong; It's natural that you are searching for answers and understanding but please don't search to long or hard. At times like this, as difficult as it is to do, the best thing is to let him go and start afresh with your life because you are worth and deserve so much more.
Stay strong, I know that you can do it!
Best regards,
Michael
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): Before the days of on-line dating there were lonely hearts ads in personal columns of newspapers. The older end of the dating site members were probably the frequent users of these adverts before moving on to the new technology of internet dating. It is disappointing for you right now but you will have to accept you have been with someone who falls into the repetitive user category. Some people cannot form relationships without dating sites. Whilst they are on them there is a constant belief that something better may be just around the corner. There are a very small minority who are serious but they end up disappointed too. I get the feeling you may have met this guy on a dating site. If you did then accept it for what it was and forget it happened. Find your life in the world outside, because that is where real life exists.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): Forget any words he says to u. His actions r what u need to take note of an remember. You can do a lot better. Even spending the rest of ur life alone would be better than bein with that kind of person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): I once joined a dating site. I left it and went back three years later. No surprise in finding that the people there were all the same ones as three years previous. What does that tell you? Leave him to his dating site.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): There is no respect. Without that, there is no future happiness. I don't want to insult you, but if you let people treat you like that then its a lack of self respect on your part and you will get treated accordingly.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Men are a lot like dogs who chase cars.... think of the car-chasing as his being on the dating sites....
We don't know what to do with the girls on the dating sites any more than the dog knows what to do if a car stops and he "catches" it!!!!....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (10 February 2012):
His reasons? He probably wont even understand what he`s done wrong. Forget it now, it`s past. Look forward to a brighter tomorrow.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (10 February 2012):
 You asked the $10,000 question! But seriously, everyone else has nailed it here. Truly. I'm just adding a little extra encouragement as I've struggled with the same question after ditching a jerk who did the same things. Problem is, with guys like that you'll never know the real reasons. And you'll drive yourself crazy rehearsing and reviewing it all in your mind. Kick him out of your head first and when his sorry ass shows up again don't EVEN talk/text/etc. That'll leave him in the dust. The fact that you are strong enough to not reply. And really, he isn't even WORTHY of a reply. Be strong and don't give in, no matter how badly you want to...good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): I posted this question. Mistake made here. I am FEMALE not MALE.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (10 February 2012):
Looking for an answer is not the best way forward. The most important thing is moving past it permanently. I think the real reason will point to cheating or at least that intention. Put your energy into the better life that`s in front of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): I often wonder that myself OP. I have a feeling in the case of your ex he wanted the benefits of single life but the security of a relationship too.
You know yourself being single is great craic, the flirting, the excitement of new people and most of all feeling desired by people that you can choose to date if you wish.
You also know that the security of a good relationship, the partnership, the companionship, sex on tap with someone who you can trust makes relationships also great experiences (for the most part anyway).
Think of all the things you miss about being single when in a relationship, most of us never really miss those things that much but it seems your guy just didn't want to give those things up.
One final point too, I'd say you already know this and I'm not trying to make you feel worse than you already do but above all he did these things because he could and he could get away with it and knew you'd come back to him. So I guess he felt he wasn't going to lose you as his fall-back no matter how much he played away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): I have been exactly where you are, except for twice as long. I wouldnt worry about the reasons. The more you question it, the more confusing it becomes. He will still be on them now and you will move on to meet someone normal.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He won’t comprehend that you also have feelings, and he never will.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2012):
 he needs the ego stroke. my ex husband did this to me he could NOT accept that only one woman was enough to love him.
I gave him a taste of his own medicine and added a "friend" to our "open" marriage and discovered that it was only open for him not for me... he could not cope
hence he became the ex.
it's either an addiction as worldly wise has suggested or he has no self-esteem and he needs the ego stroke of other women to make himself feel worthy of being alive.
either way it's not a good situation as it undermines the trust of a relationship and without trust there is nothing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): He will be addicted to the flattery, however false it really is. Does it really matter now? You have chose to kick his pathetic ass out of your life, and that is all that should matter now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): I think its an addiction, to the flattery, to feed his ego, to feel these women want him - mid-life crisis or just thinking the grass is greener.Its sad really.
I think you've done exactly the right thing, no point carrying on with it.
If its any consolation he will probably be sat at his PC when he's 70 still looking...whereas you will have a life and found a man who's worthy of you
Good luck
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