A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have a son who is 16 months old. And for some reason I don't think dating a man with a kid is an option. I find that men with kids tend to have a lot of baggage; child support, baby mom drama, and no money.. I simply don't want a guy who is broke, and most guys with child support, alimony, and a kid to support.. well are. I know it sounds shallow but I have been stern in the fact that I dont want a man with a kid because I want me and my son to be his priority, not some other kid in the mix. I also want a guy who is more established; his own car, place, and job and preferably done with school, and that can afford to take me out. I myself am almost done with school, have a good job, car, and live alone with my son.. Needless to say I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, so I'm wondering if it's too much im expecting?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, delightful84  +, writes (2 July 2012):
Some men may also find women with a child have a lot of baggage; Baby daddy drama, no time, saggy breasts, no money etc. The biggest turn off is someone who is self absorbed. It`s a far bigger turn off than having children. Yes, you are expecting far too much.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 July 2012):
 I think if YOU have a child yourself that expecting a man without children to want to date you is a bit unrealistic.
I also think that you have other unrealistic expectations like wanting YOUR son to be HIS priority.
My kids (albeit grown) are barely on my fiance's radar... they are MY kids not his...
The type of man you want is probably responsible enough to already have a child and an ex....
ya gotta lower at least ONE side of your expectations.
either child free and you are the center of his world
or an adult.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (2 July 2012):
I made it a point to never get serious about a woman who had children, but I didnt have any of my own. I dont think I would be able to make the same demand if that werent the case.
As other posters have alluded to - you are coming yourself with a of baggage now. Like most things in life, dating is about options and maximizing your return. This may sting a bit, but there simply are not going to be many men who have looks, a good job, and no children who are going to willing support and divide his wifes attention with another mans child. Its even more naive to think such a man would put your son anywhere near the top of his priority list. Not going to happen.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): Your expectations are too high IMHO. Men aren't comparing you to what you had to offer a couple years ago. Nor are they are comparing you on how much effort you are putting out. They are comparing you to the other women they could be dating today. Too many other single mid-20s women have just as much education/career as you do and no kids of their own. Its no different than how you are looking at men. Which do you rate higher, the man who has steadily made $100k for the last 3 years with only medium effort? Or the man who was uneducated in jail 3 years ago, worked his way up, and made $50k this year? I'm pretty sure you would be focused on the bottom line today more than how much work it took for them to get there.
...............................
A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (2 July 2012):
 I want to date a supermodel. Luckily I am more realistic, so I will have to accept someone more ordinary, even a single mother perhaps.
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (2 July 2012):
 If you are in fact 22-25, I don't think it's that difficult to find men that don't have children. It's not like they're in their 30s, or 40s. Most 22-25 year olds don't have children. And most 22-25 year olds aren't exactly established in their careers. In fact, they're recent grads unless they're enrolled in a master's program in which case, they would still be in school, or just graduating. There is nothing wrong with what you want. I don't think it's too much to expect a man to have a car, a job and his own place. But to expect an established man may be a bit too much. Look at yourself - you're not finished with school and you have a kid. Those are two strikes against youaccording to your on standards.Most people aren't too excited about taking on someone else's kid. I completely understand where you're coming from and I feel the same way. Then again, I also don't have a child myself. Much like you, men your age aren't thrilled at the prospect of single mothers. Men are actually less accepting and accommodating about taking on someone's kid than women. I'm not telling you to settle for some loser, or someone that is financially unstable, just be reasonable.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (2 July 2012):
 This is funny because I know plenty of single guys with their own cars who are "established" who are broke too. Not to mention complete jerks. Why don't you look at men as individuals instead of seeing them all as shallow, broke, and down-and-out? Yes, you are asking for too much. I know a lot of men who would see your son as a priority, since he hasn't developed your judgemental attitudes yet. As for you, I'm not sure there is a man out there who would meet all of your expectations, or one who would even want to try.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Honey, If you live in a glasshouse, it's kinda dumb to throw rocks....
You might have a lot more luck if you take those "list of demands" and light them on fire and look for a man who is WORTHY of sharing your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): I can understand why you would want these things but speaking from experience it is probably not going to happen. I have a child older than yours and I too wanted a single childless man who would make us his priority. I have been out with some sinle men who are a bit strange and not suitable and the others are all divorced chaps with kids. This is going to be very hard for you to realise but you may still be young enugh to find a normal unspoken for man.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): Yeah way too much.
You're expecting to find a guy who doesn't have baggage yet yourself have baggage? You also want this guy to make you and your child his priority in life, yet if he has a child you wouldn't do the same? You also want him to be able to afford to take you out when you have your own job?
What do you bring to the table OP? A car, a son, a good job? What bearing do they have on what kind of person you'd be in a relationship? Those things aren't incentives OP, they're just things.
Sorry Op but you sound like a gold digger looking for a sugar daddy to lavish you and your kid with money and gifts.
Money is too important a factor in your decision making here, it matters more to you than the guy himself, so yeah I as a guy who makes a nice bit of money I wouldn't really find you appealing at all. You wouldn't consider me because I don't have a car? Or because I won't be a surrogate father to your kid or make you my priority from the outset?
You see OP when I look for partners I look for things like attractiveness, sense of humour, dependability, a good demeanour, a nice personality, you know? Things like that. You're possibly the first single mother I've come across that thought she could afford to be that picky about completely superficial things.
I have one friend now who is a single mother and she's currently out there dating and vetting guys. Most guys run a mile when they find out she has a kid, want to know why? Because they think she'll be like you. Seriously, they think she'll be demanding, want to have them as a father to their kid, think she'll want them to pay her way etc.
In her experience about 1/3 of those potential guys walk away because she has a kid, another 1/3 only want something casual with her, then the final 3rd is guys that don't mind the kid thing but then she has to face all the other things that make guys unsuitable in the usual sense and find a guy out of that limited pool.
Her prerequisites are that he has to be nice, she has to find him attractive, he has to be kind, friendly and all the usual things, money isn't important to her as she makes her own money and she brings a lovely, caring, pretty, funny and intelligent woman to the table and it really pisses her off that it's so hard to find a good guy in the pool she's limited to just because she has a kid.
I find it strange that someone in your position would be so pre judgemental about such superficial things.
You need to take a good look at what you can actually offer us guys and also need to re-examine your priorities when it comes to getting a man. Very few of us want to be a sugar daddy to a demanding single mother, we want a woman who is willing to judge us on the merits of us as people not just the amount of money we make or whether we have a car.
To be honest with you OP, I have dated single moms and your demands are way over the top.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): is this a joke?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Well... honestly, yes. For the simple fact that, while I am sure your child is your pride and your joy and the best thing in your life... for most men that child would be a liability , non at an asset, and will reduce your value on the dating market. Most men, particularly if single, never married, with no baggage, don't want a ready made family, they want to make their own from scratch, and they will reason just like you, they want to be their partner's first priority, the may accept to share the limelight with their own child, but not with someone else's.
So, a man with all these things, no baggage, good job, car, house, plenty of spending money... will probaly want someone with an higher rating on the dating market.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): I would not go any further than one off sex with a woman with children so no youre not asking too much. Go for what suits you.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 If I am honest then yes I do think you are expecting to much. A lot of men may think the same way as you though, they do not want to be with someone who has a child and that extra baggage therefore that may add to the fact that you have not been with anybody in two years. I guess it is up to you what standards you want from a man. But I think you are wanting way to much here from a man. At the end of the day you should just go out on dates and get to know someone as a person and not worry about things like if they have money or children. Don't pre judge someone.
...............................
|
