A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I will be getting married next year to my fiancee. His older sister has this very dominant personality and he comes from a conservative family but yet his parents are very open minded. So, the problem is that his sister was telling me that I cannot have a wedding dress that shows my armpits which means I cant wear one that has straps on or a sweetheart dress which is absolutely RIDICULOUS because it is going to be my wedding and I can wear whatever I want. At her wedding she wore a long sleeved dress and his other sister wore this t-shirt like dress. How am I supposed to deal with her dominant personality and explain to her I will not wear what her or her father believes is right. How do I stand up for myself in a respectable manner? I do not want to cause drama at all. This has been stressing me out :( Please help. How do I get to have things my way on my wedding day? Its so stressful...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 unless the venue where you are getting married (a church or synagogue) requires you to be covered, you should wear what you and your fiance want you to wear. My first wedding I had to have a modesty put in the neckline of my dress.. my mother had to wear a jacket over her dress in the sanctuary... the orthodox guests dressed the way they wished and the bride and her side (ME) did not care when jaws dropped and my mom went sleeveless... oh well too bad, we were paying and we did it OUR WAY!
Personally I have to say I am always worried when I see strapless wedding gowns.. I'm so afraid of a wardrobe malfunction.
DO NOT take this woman dress shopping. Go with your besties... and your mom if she's supportive....
Every time your future sister in law starts on you (and you will have to deal with her and her dominant personality forever.. just wait till child rearing comes up...) you look at her nicely... warmly, lovingly (even while plotting her most painful ugly death in your head) you smile at her (practice meaning it) and say "thank you so much for your input, I appreciate that you care so much (not a lie) and I will surely take your advice under consideration"
and EVERY time she offers advice (whether good or bad or you like it or not) this is what you say over and over and over.... do not say it's good advice. do not say it's bad it does NOT matter what the advice is... you are not commenting or address the actual advice... what you are addressing his her care and concern for you... and that's what this is.. her way of showing care and concern.
say it with me (and practice with friends... being prepared will help you not REACT... you want to be PROACTIVE here..
"thank you so much, [her name] for your input. I appreciate that you care so much and will take your advice under consideration.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): Thank you all for the advice. I am going to be paying for the dress so obviously I should be the one deciding what style I want. And yes you all are right! The dress is supposed to be a surprise for the guests at the wedding! I am going to completely ignore this topic with her and keep my answers brief to her and say I have not yet decided. Thank you all so much! You all gave me confidence inside of me so I can stand up for myself. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Good question. Who is paying for the dress?
My advice is not to EXPLAIN anything. Explanations are what a student offers a teacher when they don't complete an assignment or an employee offers their boss when they're late for work.
Your answer should be calm, confident, courteous and BRIEF. 'I haven't yet decided what kind of dress I'm going to wear.' Even if you have, it's a non confrontational way of reminding her that it is YOUR decision to make.
Practice saying it in front of the mirror a few times.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Just curious, who is paying for the dress/wedding?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): Follow this.
Remove all snarky, sarcastic tone from your voice. Say it honestly.
Say, "I actually like dresses that show a little more skin. Its kind of fun."
Disagree with her. Then look her in her eyes. Don't look away. Let the awkward silence sink in. Wait until she looks away. If she cops an attitude, then say, "don't misunderstand me, I value your opinions, I just want to keep my options open."
Classy.
Checkmate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): Why bother engaging her on the matter, just go with your fiance and get the gown you want. Dont go head on and tell them anything, just listen and then do what make you happy. No point in getting into an argument before the wedding. Once you are dressed and ready to walk down the aisle there is nothing they can do.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Just ignore her. Let what she says come into your right ear and immediately go out through the left. Change subject rapidly, and, best of all, do not involve her in the details of the wedding at least for what concerns your attire, why did you even consult her or told her about your dress, I am not even sure. First, the bride 's dress is supposed to be a surprise for the wedding guests , right ?, second , as far as I know , in most traditions the bride dress is a female side of the family thing, you go choose it with YOUR mom, YOUR sisters, ..not the in laws. If this is not your tradition , invent a new one :)- say that brings terrible bad luck to discuss your dress, lol.
If she is persistent, you need to be absolutely polite and absolutely firm. Smile , say " Sorry, but this is MY big day, the day that I will have to remember for the rest of my life, so it's very important to me that I am totally happy with MY own choice of attire , which is therefore not up for discussion ".
A word of caution , though. I don't know how much bare skinned exactly you intend to be, but , regardless of SIL, I would advise you to not go overboard. I have seen the evolution of wedding dresses in the past couple of decades or so, and... forget about bare armpits, there are totally backless wedding gowns, wedding dresses with necklines who reach your navel, midriff and stomach showing dresses even... as tempting as they may be, I think a bit more of restraint and sobriety is in order. A wedding is supposed to be a formal, serious thing , you don't have to look "virginal " of course, but not even as if you just stepped out from a Las Vegas show. On your wedding day the accent should not be on showing off your smouldering sexuality or what a piece of a hottie you are, you'll have guests and these considerations are NONE of their business. In certain occasions, less is more.
Just saying- in case you are tempted to show off a lot just to spite your SIL :). But I am sure you'll look lovely . Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 We-ell. Maybe tell them that you understand why they would prefer more conservative dresses but that you would be much happier giving every style of dress a shot until you find the right one that makes you feel good on the day. That you'll love forever and that will make the wedding a good memory for you (you don't have to mention that you want one that bares the shoulders; You might not even end up with that type of dress anyway). And also, I thought brides are usually given the luxury of keeping their wedding gowns secret until the wedding day. The only people who would see it before the wedding are bridesmaids/maid of honour/close female relatives like your mum or sisters. So your to-be-in-laws don't even need to know what dress you're going to get! They might accidentally reveal the details to your husband anyway ;) When they see it on the day, I'm sure they'll be tactful enough to stay quiet about it (and you know their views anyway so it won't be much of a shock) or they might even think you look extra beautiful in it.
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