A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hii, wondering if you guys could give me some advice. Basically, about a year ago I was pretty brutally raped by a stranger, who said he was going to kill me when he finished. I really think he would have, because he had a knife, if the police hadn't found me when they did. I've picked myself up since then (though I would be lying if I said it doesn't still hang over me a little) and now have a boyfriend who I really like and want things to work out with.I mentioned to him in a conversation we had a while back that I would like to go travelling at some point and when he asked how I could afford it I said without thinking "oh I'll go when my compensation comes through". Obviously he asked and I just brushed it off. He must have got the impression that I didn't want to talk about it and hasn't asked since, and I'm grateful that he was so respectful about that.It also disrupted my university life and I am now redoing my final year. Naturally he questioned why I am allowed to do that and I haven't really given him a good answer. I also lied to my family about it as I don't want them to know the truth. When I told my boyfriend I'd lied to them he said that he would never lie to his parents - I felt like he was making a subtle dig. What I'm getting at is that I think he now thinks I am secretive and a liar, which is really not me at all. I am normally really open and would love to be completely honest about everything. I don't think there should be big secrets in a relationship, but this is different as it's so private and personal. I think telling him would change his opinion of me, or he'd be scared off thinking that I come with emotional baggage. I just would not even know how to go about having that horrible, awkward conversation. But at the same time I don't want him to think I am keeping things from him, or if he found out in the future wonder why I never said. I hate the thought he thinks I'm a liar. Men, how would you respond if your girlfriend told you this? Would you be disgusted by her? The guy I was seeing at the time it happened said he "couldn't see me the same way anymore" and the thought of another man having sex with me was "repulsive" to him, does his opinion represent that of most men? I know there is a stigma attached to rape because of the prejudice I've received off the few people I have confided in. So I'm thinking it's better that I keep this to myself? I can cope fine and am dealing with it fine so it's not like he needs to know, it's just that I hate this web of dishonesty and that he now thinks things of me that are not true at all.. Does anyone have any advice? I feel so confused and alone :/ x
View related questions:
liar, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): I can relate to what you are going through, though my story is slightly different. I was raped 12 years ago, never sought help or counselling as i believed i was strong enough to push it away. My mum knows and was and still is supportive, though the issue is never spoken about. I met a lovely guy through work and we went through a lot to be together, i was honest with him and told him everything (although very difficult and upsetting for both of us)and that intimacy is a big struggle for me. He persuaded me to go to counselling last year but at the time i wasn't ready and just fell apart. He has been wonderful and patient with me and understands me more than i do myself sometimes. I went through a traumatic time at work last year and occasionally still struggle and break down, sadly through this, my boyfriend and i split up as i wanted to be on my own, but on a more positive side i am currently having counselling through work to help me through my sadness and dark times. I would advise you to talk to him, because i pushed my experience under the carpet and willing it to go away, but somehow the carpet was moved and i was left vulnerable with no other choice. Take care and be brave
A
female
reader, HeresBoo  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 I'm so sorry you've had to endure such a horrible act.
My advice would be for you to tell him that you don't want him to see you as secretive or a liar but there are some things about your past that you're not ready to share with him. Then,me hen you are ready to tell him, you're somewhat prepared. He does deserve to know at some point, though, if the two of you are sleeping together. I believe if you sleep with someone, you should be totally honest about your sexual history. Obviously it's more complicated for a situation like yours, but in a way it still applies.
Good luck for the future sweetheart xo
...............................
A
male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (17 April 2013):
 you seem like a very brave and sensible girl. you are going to have to tell him sometime if he is going to be the one you're with. now that there is some distance between you and the problem you have to consider ways of disclosing it in a minimalist way so that you've told the truth without going into graphic detail. don't rush it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): I am sorry for what you have been through and you seem to be incredibly brave and strong dealing with it.Regards your bf, I would follow your gut instinct. If you don't feel ready to confide in him then don't. Only talk to him about it when you feel quite sure that you can see yourself with him for a long time. Only then would I advise you in the interests of openness to tell him something so personal.'Lies' are not so black and white so don't feel too guilty for withholding information in this case. Just explain to him that you're not ready to talk about it. If he cares about you enough,he'll stick around...On a separate note, I don't know what your relationship with your parents is like but I'm inclined to think they would be a pillar of support. I guess I'm wondering why you haven't spoken to them about what happened. You might be pleasantly surprised by how much their support helps.Good luck with uni and travel!
...............................
|
