A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been having reoccurring dreams lately about discovering that my husband cheated before we got married. These dreams have been vivid enough to wake me in the middle of the night and upset me enough to the point of not falling back asleep. Before my husband and I did get married, there were a couple of occasions that I had suspicions that he might have been unfaithful. There was no proof found. He said nothing ever happened. I cracked it up to paranoia and moved past it. Since we've been married (7 months now), I haven't had any suspicions. However, these dreams recently have been very upsetting. I told him today about the dreams as an explanation as to why I haven't been sleeping. He's very upset with me now and told me that he feels like it was a terrible mistake for us to get married. I'm just being honest with explaining my dreams to him, and their connection to that time in our relationship that I had suspicions. Now he's seriously considering ending our marriage? This seems rather harsh to me. Obviously these dreams have been upsetting me, but his reaction to me telling him my dreams is even more alarming. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Dreams are our subconscious working out issues we are not confronting in real life. IF you keep having the same dream over and over, I’m going to encourage you to seek out a therapist to help you work out the issues.
I sense based on your follow up that you feel (even if it’s subconsciously) that you forced him to marry you with your marry me or I’m leaving and your dream (in which he’s clearly NOT cheating on you but rather is telling this woman that he can’t be with her since he’s married and committed to you. THIS is a GOOD DREAM honey… this dream affirms that you believe him to be a faithful husband. Missing another woman is acceptable truly. Even in REAL LIFE much less a dream. He’s not seeing her EVEN IN THE DREAM….. Then in the DREAM she gets angry (anger on her not your fault or his fault) AT HIM but she comes to insult YOU and YOU feel humiliated? WHY in the world do YOU feel humiliated? See there is nothing in this dream that leads me to suspect that you need to feel humiliated so I’m concerned there is something you are not telling… which is fine… but that further strengthens my belief that you may need to work with a professional.
HIS reaction is a bit over the top. He married you of his own free will even if you did tell him fish or cut bait it was his choice… you did not force him. His saying he made a mistake and wants a divorce does seem harsh and over reacting but if you consider that he probably feels forced into the marriage in the first place, you can’t blame him.
Perhaps in addition to some private counseling, you two might consider some marriage counseling. You also may have to accept that he married you out of fear of being alone (why my first hubby married me when I said “marry me or I’m leaving” and he felt forced even if it was not a traditional “shotgun” wedding.
A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (17 April 2013):
Dreams happen. Often they're a good thing, letting your subconscious vent. With no meaning in the real world. And that's what I would tell my mate if she told me about a dream she'd had.
Reacting aggressively like he has? He's thinking that your dream picked up subliminally to something that was really going on, that you consciously chose to ignore. In other words he's feeling guilty.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe evidence that caused suspicion before we were married...There were times I called him at work and he wasn't there, and was unavailable on his cell. There were a couple of times that things seemed shifted around in his vehicle. Another time, I came home from work to find a picture of him and I, that I have wedged tightly between my mirror and its frame, moved and placed elsewhere, which he said he did not move. Overall, during that time, there was an emotional distance I felt from him. We were having disagreements about marriage. I wanted to get married, and he said he wanted to make me happy, but was on the fence about marriage then. At that time, I confronted him about my suspicions and explained that I wanted marriage, or wanted to move on. He denied anything was going on and made the decision to get married, which happened three months later. My dream:I told him my dream last night, which involved me over-hearing a woman talking to him about missing him and wanting to be with him again. By the conversation, I determined they were together last year. He admitted missing her, but explained that he's married now and can't be with her. She got angry at him, then walked over and insulted me. I felt humiliated. The reason I told him the dream was because he noticed that I haven't been sleeping much lately. I explained that I've been having re-occurring dreams of this nature. It's upsetting that he's now telling me he feels like he made a mistake with marrying me. I'm not trying to accuse him now with these dreams, but rather, explain what I'm dreaming about and why I can't sleep. However, overall, I am questioning why I keep having these dreams. It's alarming and upsetting. I just don't know what to do about this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): hey hun, It doesn't sound like you trust him very much. And that sounds like the biggest issue here.What made you suspect that he was cheating in the first place? Do you have any idea who he could have been cheating with? Is there any way at all for you to get conclusive evidence?If you've spoken to him about your dreams / suspicions and he's denied it's really unfair to keep pestering him about it without evidence. I would be hurt and annoyed if my partner kept accusing me of cheating when I hadn't.In my experience, people usually have an intuition about these things and you should just keep an eye out and monitor his movements until you confirm his guilt or reassure yourself of his innocence.Do you have a history of being insecure or paranoid in relationships? If so, you might want to get counselling ASAP before it creates a rift with your partner.Good luck
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