A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started dating a 40 year old man (divorced x 5 years, 1 child) a year ago having been single for seven years, partly through circumstance - work and studying – and also because I had a bad break up and wasn’t interested. I am not really experienced with men and dating despite my age. He seemed very nice, well educated, a good sense of humour and fun to be with.When we started dating he told me about houses he used to own, but it seems he has not owned any property for a few years (post divorce I suppose). He does not appear to have car insurance because when his car got damaged he had to pay for it himself (and couldn’t drive the car for a month because he had to save up, which meant I had to do all the driving if we went out by car).He was living in a flat which he found too expensive, then he lived with me temporarily while looking for a smaller flat (he can’t stay with me because the commute to work is difficult and costly from my area), then last month had to move again because the landlord had signed on another tenant supposedly without telling him, (that’s what I’m told though I know the rent was in arrears a couple of times) and now he’s living with his parents until he finds something else. There are a whole lot of things which seem strange to me as far as the finances are concerned.He’s 40 years old like I said, and works for commission in insurance.I haven’t been dating for a while, is this a cause for concern in a relationship or just a guy having a hard time? When we started dating I got the impression things were quite stable as far as money and living arrangements were concerned, but after being around him for longer it seems a bit dodgy to me. It is important to me when dating that a guy is financially stable. He has told me that he had a bit of difficulty, but that things were going better, but it looks like his still not sorted out, he is, after all, living back with his parents now. Should I just wait it out? Is it even any of my business? I I don’t want to be made a fool of, with me thinking one thing and the truth being something else.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): Tricky.
These are awful financial times for people who work on commissions. I've got a friend in the insurance sales and he has had to go to work at a second job for the government to try to make ends meet. His house is falling apart.
I've supported myself for many years, terribly responsible, and have made a lot of money, more than most people ever dream of making, and invested it responsibly.
But, I now wear my clothes till they are falling apart, my finances are a shambles, and even my retirement accounts which I had put money into for the last 17 years are of little value.
My wife and I went through nearly two years of being on the verge of losing everything we owned....but we have held on by the skin of our teeth.
Last week we just re-roofed part of our home ourselves because we don't have the cash to pay anyone else to do it.
Be cautious, but understand that even the best of people can run into horrid financial quagmires...we are...and we don't see any good way out of it.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 August 2011):
 It's a tricky one isn't it...even good people can get tied up with debt and fall on hard times. What he has told you initially and how he really is living is two different things. He was probably trying to save face and make himself more appealing.
The fact he had rent arrears is the biggest alarm bell. He is working so you would think the roof over his head was the biggest priority, after child maintenance. If he has a commission only job then he probably isn't earning enough to make ends meet and thats probably why he has moved back with his mum.
If you like him and the time you spend together is happy and fulfilling then I think it's worth keeping it going. There is nothing wrong with paying your way on dates for some of the time, but I wouldn't give him any money and don't get caught up signing joint rent agreements or having joint bank accounts (you don't seem like you are at that point).
Time will tell if he really has a problem with money, you don't have to make a decision yet if you are still enjoying time with him. If you are really undecided, try making a list of pros and cons. If there are more cons than pros and you feel you are wasting your time, you will have to make a decision to end things, but be a smart girl, take your time and just see what happens...he might yet still surprise you.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 The only thing I can tell you is NOT to offer him financial help!
That is, don't offer in the first place because you might feel sorry for him and want to help out; and CERTAINLY do not give him money if he asks!
Invite him to lunch or dinner and give him a home-cooked meal, sometimes, or even very occasionally go out for a meal and treat him.
This business about the landlord moving in another tenant without telling your friend, and then his (friend's) rent being in arrears a couple of times does sound odd, I must admit. After all, even if you owe money on credit cards, and/or can't put as much into savings as you would like, the first thing to make sure of is that you have enough on hand to pay the rent! If for, instance, "you" owe $1,000 on a credit card, and also need to pay rent, the best thing to do would be pay half on the card, or even $400 and although interest would accumulate, pay chunks on it month by month until it's all settled.
Anyway, hopefully it will all become clear in due course what his situation is, and you and he will get on together just fine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): It very much sounds as if he has financial problems which he initially kept from you. You need to ask or find out whether this is a passing phase or he is just useless in running his life. It is not unreasonable to want to know what sort of man he is, you are in your 30s and know what you want from life, have certain expectations etc. You don't say you love him, so you need to get some facts straight before you get in too deep.
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