A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:I am a single, in my mid forties, and for the most part, enjoy this- not that i take advantage of it necessarily, by playing the field etc, i just enjoy the freedom of not having to answer to anyone and having to deal with all the 'c**p' that sometimes comes with being in a relationship. To be honest I have practically nothing to do with women, other than those I come across through work. Im not actively seeking a partner, but sometimes wish that i did have one, for various reasons. Yet for some reason I just dont have the drive or the motivation to look for someone. I dont really like bars and still think looking on the internet for a partner, lets just say is not really my thing. I have positive traits, I exercise daily and look after myself, healthy, am reasonably good looking (well if you can go by looks from the opposite sex) and have a good job, financially secure etc. Bad things well, maybe a bit too easy going, not overly socaialble etc.So i would like to think that if i made the effort, a could have a partner, however the motivation just isnt there- all i think of is the things i will lose, or be no longer able to do, if im no longer single, rather than looking at the positives. I also have a friend who thinks exactly the same way.I guess this is a sign of being 'scared of committment?'- i thought that was normally a complaint against a guy who is in a relationship. already.How does one see the good things about being in a relationship with a woman, rather than the negatives - (well negatives if you a ask a man in an unhappy relationship, at least.)- I just seem to be unable to 'be bothered' if you know what I mean, but am concious of the fact that Im not getting any younger, and the longer I leave it, the less options i will have in respect to this later on.I have been in steady relationships before, howver the last one was.... 20 years ago.Thanks for your help
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, thanks very much for all your replies- very interesting that they are all from women! :)- It's great to have your viewpoints and suggestions. Cant really reply to all the comments, but can say a few things,
Not really sure what happened over the last 20 (!) years- it goes to show how easy it is to not get attached- well, when you're a guy anyway. Nothing really happened that put me off relationships or women (I love women), the last one just kind of fizzled out as they do. I think a lot of stems back to me being not particularly sociable, so Ive minimised my exposure and contact to women, practically limiting it to those I work with, and thats another story that ive written to this site about once or twice. And as time has gone on Ive gotten set in my ways I guess and making an effort to meet women hasnt excatly been on my list of priorities!
Yes, Im actually happy being single, but at times would like to experience the good things of being in a relationship, which you have summed up very well- yes, its the 'something missing' feeling (but only sometimes)
Having my cake and eating it too? Not sure about that, maybe having a least a slice or two- maybe not the whole cake :D
I could go on and on, but for now, thanks again!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): Why have intimate relationships? Because they give you strength, energy, and confidence when they go well. Having the admiration of someone you admire is an incomparably good feeling.
I also acknowledge why you (and myself personally) have had some long stints of not dating. It sucks when things go wrong or you get hurt. It sucks even more when you feel like you're repeating the same mistakes with person after person....But 20 years sounds like you are in fact avoiding relationships.
After swearing I would never try it, I attempted online dating for the first time this year. If you're choosy, it's not a waste of time. It no guarantee either.
Before you get into online dating, why not visit a therapist ? You've reduced your anxiety about your bachelorhood as a cost-benefit equation. But the thing about relationships is that they aren't rational in the first place...Sometimes for the good and sometima for the better. A therapist might breakdown your situation from a pros vs. cons question to an emotional question and get to the root of your problems.
Good luck.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 I sympathise with you. As lonesome as a single life can be, it's also a very comfortable place to be. A place where you control everything and live exactly as you want to with no interferance.
I know this well because I live this life too. I am secure, have a great job, lovely home and have complete freedom...it's hard to give it up and yet there are times when I get quite upset that I am not in a happy relationship. I don't actively seek a partner and I have turned down a few people. I do have a couple of good guy friends whom I go out to dinner with or catch a movie with from time to time...it seems enough, but finding 'the one' seems elusive mostly because I don't have the ambition to really make an effort.
Perhaps you could start by meeting a couple women for friendship only...get to know women again. It's a great way to socialise without the dating/relationship pressure.
Internet dating is probably the most common way to meet people now. Some people see it as dodgy but really it's just technology changing how we interact. If you are completely honest about what you are looking for i.e friends or a companion, you might be able to connect with a couple of women who would like to spend time with you. Don't see it as looking for a partner, look at it as meeting a new friend.There is absolutely nothing wrong with that...in fact its quite healthy.
There are a lot of good people out there, just like you. Don't assume that everyone is trouble or out to fool you. I know because I am a good person...and I am 'out there'
and as for the good things...
She might be a good listener
She might be a great cook who would like to make you nice food.
She might have a great sense of humour and make you laugh and forget yourself for a while.
She might like just hanging out with you.
She might be someone you can turn to when life gets tough.
She might be someone who boosts your confidence and makes you feel needed.
She might be a great kisser.
She might have great new hobbies that you have wanted to try your whole life.
She might just be someone to cuddle with.
She might be the one who's daily text or call makes you tingle with joy.
She might be the one who takes care of you if you get sick.
I could go on and on...
I hope this helped a little
xx
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female
reader, aligrl4life  +, writes (5 August 2011):
Did anything happen in your last steady relationship that was bad or hurt you to make you want to stay away from relationships.
Don't get into a relationship because you are feeling you are getting older you will know when you meet someone special which you may have already have. Relationships are work and need nuturing everyday. You need someone you feel comfortable with to communicate your deepest fears. Relationships can be very rewarding if you take care of them and eachother. Appreciate one another and add to that persons life. Someone that will be there when you need them.
I wish you the best and hope you do find someone when the time is right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): I'm afraid it sounds a bit like you want to have your cake AND eat it! You want the best of a committed relationship without the more difficult parts, and the best of being single. At base, you need to accept that ANY decision in life excludes other options (if only temporarily). If you want a relationship, you need to be whole-hearted about that and not regret the freedoms of a singleton; if you choose to be single, you don't get to feel sorry that you don't have a relationship!
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being as you are, and 'playing the field'. If that's what you enjoy, don't be pressured into doing something different by societal norms that say men and women 'should' interact a certain, stable, committed way. There are no rules to human being - and nothing morally wrong with what you are doing. If it makes you happy, why change?
If you do want a relationship because you feel there's 'something missing', you are going to have to make compromises. End of. Thing is, in a really good relationship, they don't feel like 'sacrifices'... because your own happiness is bound up with the other person's, and making them happy makes you happy too. However, if you are the type of person who values independence, and decision-making above anything else, that might be a more difficult transition than someone who loves being with others and taking a lead from them.
I'm a bit worried by the fact that you mention age as a factor. Why is this important? There are plenty of older people these days who are single, and enjoy life that way. Retirement communities etc. are more and more set up to be like student villages, where people can be single without being lonely.
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reader, rosycheeks +, writes (5 August 2011):
I was reading your post there.. thinking I think exactly the same, I'm never bothered about relationships. Everytime I get into one it's because I'm persued so hard, I give in. Until you got to the 20 years part.
How can you know what c*ap comes with relationships until you have been in a few over time... different stages of your life you view those things differently.
I like to think of a relationship, when I do get into one, is to "take each day as it comes" if its fun, and its easy going, keep going, if it becomes disappointing or hard work for no good reasons.. then take a step back. Its finding someone that makes your life more exciting, is a nice positive to your life.
Not everything has to be negative and nag nag whine whine in a relationship.
I reckon you half have it in you to want to find someone. I think you should just take another leap forward and just start getting back into dating. Find out what would be the ying to your yang, and look for her.
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