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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello everyone,I need an advice for my current situation. I am pretty much stuck in it. I want to start a new life but I don't really know how. I have been imagining a picture of me having free-will.I am soon to be 24 years old soon, an only child, i haven't graduated yet. Let me explain to you my current situation. I am not living with my parents but I live in an apartment we are renting out, my mother sees me always as her helping hand, that I have to help her out in every business she is deciding till death do us part. I can't find any friends or boyfriends because she would hinder me from doing it, we always end up fighting about it. She would give me a bad conscience, how old she is and her only daughter is not helping her. I wouldn't be allowed to see my friends before, cause that is just waste of time and money. She is thinking every boy would just use me to get her money.I had to stop college, because she had a bad business partner that was putting me and my family in life danger and I had just one more year, so we left the country. In the country we moved, my 3 years college is not even accepted as an Highschool degree, I am now enrolled in an online class in the former country we used to live, to finish there my college degree to be accepted here as an Highschool degree so I can visit a university here. Meanwhile, I'm helping my mother in her apartment business, not getting any money really from it, so i found a waitressing job, which my mother didn't like. She doesn't want her only daughter who is studying in our country elite university as a waitress. But I cant find any other jobs here. I have the feeling my mother is stopping me from living my life and I want to start a new life to leave my past behind and look forward for life with free-will.I would like to finish studying in my former country, move far away from my parents, work and study in another country and eventually find the man of my life i can have a family with.The only thing thats stopping me is my family, I cant leave them because who is going to take care of them, they arent the youngest anymore, but I want to start living. They wouldn't let me live my life neither.Turning my back to them would make me feel guilty because I still love them and I know they need me, but as said I want a life. I have no money, I have nothing.I dont know what to do, please help me.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 First, tell your parents, that you can't do this anymore. Not in a fighting match, sit them down over tea and have an adult conversation. Let them know that getting upset and turning it into a fighting match will be seen as their being unwilling to communicate, and you'll get up and walk out. Don't say it though, unless you have the strength to do exactly that. Ask them if they want you to be successful in life, and explain why you don't feel that is happening. Thank your mom for being protective, but tell her that she needs to trust that she has raised you well enough to effectively make decisions.
Remember you're not replacing them, only taking a different direction. If you come to a compromise, offer to stay until you finish school, but it has to be under your terms. You don't want to exclude them from your life, but you want to be able to live your life as well. You're an adult now. It's okay for you to say, "no" to your parents, and be respectful in dong so. Because of how your mom is, you'll want to word what you say so she doesn't feel you're flat out rejecting them. Sometimes people need to be stood up to, and told no, for them to understand what their behavior is doing to you. And it's okay to do that, as long as you do so with respect. You've given up a lot in helping out. You need to come to a compromise so you're not the one on the loosing end.
I hope this helps. Take care.
A
female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (5 August 2011):
i love my parenst but I moved to another country! they will realize, if they really love you,that this is what is best for you. You need to live YOUR life, not your parents. They can take care of themselves, dont hinder your life b/c of them. Tell them this is what I'm doing whether you like it or not, take a break from them. thats what i did, and its great! so just leave like u want to, and do what you want to do!! I understand you love them but you can still talk on skype and things like that...you needa move on!
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (5 August 2011):
 Your mother can't judge you for your job or anything else since she guilt-tripped you into giving up the life you planned to have. Tell your mother again that you deserve to have a life of your own and that your time should not be revolved around her schedule. She may be getting old, but that's life. Everyone does, and you deserve to have a life, whether she's young or old. Your parents need to accept the fact that you're an adult and you have plans for yourself that don't include them. So tell them. It's going to hurt them to some degree, but the truth hurts and you deserve to be happy. Keep working, and on your days off, if you want, go look for another job with higher wages. Start saving your money so you can carry out your plans for yourself. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, rosycheeks  +, writes (5 August 2011):
Wow - what a situation.
Well, I'd suggest you finish your education, it means a lot to you and will set you in good stead. But you have to start laying the law. Your parents were once your age too.
You have to do what you want to do in life. You can break free, and still be a loving daughter. Your parents need to be more responsible for looking after themselves. There is plenty of ways and help out there for them, if they need any professional help.
You are not being selfish by wanting to live your own life.
It's not as hard or daunting as it might seem. I was controlled by my mother as a child, and would always stay at home "to look after her" but in the past year and a half, I broke away, travelled the world and now moved out and living in an amazing place and have an amazing job. I try to be there for mum as much as possible. But now I am in control and acutally enjoy seeing and helping her when I do. Much healthier.
Go for it.
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