A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:MY wife is 33 and desperate for a baby but I’m 52 and don’t want to be an old dad. Is there any way around this?We’ve been married for three years and while she’s at a great age to have a baby, I’d be better as a grandad than a dad.When we met, she said she was fine never having children of her own.But recently she has started talking about trying for a baby.I’m adamant I don’t want to be an old dad. I love my wife but this is causing me stress.She keeps wanting kids but I don't, and also states she doesn't want a younger man, just me.I'm starting to worry over the age gap and her wanting kids.Need help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2022): My aunt adopted a daughter in her mid 40s and she made a great mom. She is now 63 and her daughter just had her prom a couple of days back.
It's not as bad as you think, trust me. If it has to be done though, do it sooner rather than delaying it any longer.
I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2022): I knew early on that I wouldn't have kids. I have never changed my mind because my reason was altruistic- I would never bring a child into this world the way it is now and the way it will be soon. This child of mine would have to suffer tremendously so that I could be unconditionally loved and be a mother.
I have no idea what your wife reasons were when she agreed not to have kids. She has obviously changed her mind.
It could be just one of those things that happens. It is not fair but people change their mind all the time.
Or it could be that she thought that once you live together long enough she will change your mind.
You are much older than she is and she knows that one day you will leave her and she doesn't want to end up alone.
Men have kids at your age. Some men settle down at your age after having lived rather turbulent lives, marry women old enough to be their daughters and become dads.
Women do not have that luxury. She has to do this in the next 5 to 8 years. And she probably wonders if you wait that long if you will be able to have kids. She is already medically speaking a bit late yo the party.
She entered your marriage the way some.women sign a job contract - fully aware that they would soon.want to get pregnant and take a maternity leave.
No matter how you put it, it is a dealbreaker.
If she doesn't have the guts to leave you then you should walk away. You will either live with the guilt or she will guilt trip you.
Don't believe for a second this fairy-tale of how a child changes a person for the better. Children are wonderful but they are a great responsibility. They have to become the mission of each parent. They are not here for us. We are here for them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2022): Sorry you find yourself in this situation, its a tough one and I really do feel for you, both. While it could be said "well you were happy with no kids when we met", people do change from where they were once from to where they are now at- human nature. You on the other hand have not budged on the thought and thats ok too. Thinking realistic one of you is going to lose out or both of you if it comes to parting ways, sad but an understandable outcome. Its not going to be fair on either of you, she gets her way, you resent her, you get your way and she resents you, throw an innocent child into the mix and there is another casualty if it all goes pair shape. Then of course none of this may happen at all, she may be ok with it or you may end up loving being a dad. But I do understand the age gap between you and a child possibly taxing. You really have to sit down and nut this out before it goes on for too long. Neither of you are wrong in feeling they way you do, it just decisions need to be made.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2022): A lot of older couples are perfectly ok not having children early on in their marriage or can't have babies for health reasons end up adopting children late in their lives. I honestly don't think it is an issue having an 18 yrs old kid when you are in your seventies.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (25 May 2022):
 This is sad. I really dont see a happy ending. One of you are going to have to give in for things to work and that means that one of you will be unhappy, probably resentful. Its hard to say if your wife went into the marriage not wanting kids and then her feelings changed or whether she thought your feelings would change? Whatever it was, now her biological clock is ticking louder and she wants a baby. Good luck talking her out of that. I get you..I would not want a baby in mY 50s. My 2 kids were adults by the time ai hit 50 and I liked it that way. I wish I could tell you that everyThing will be ok but this is a tough situation. If you wontvagree to a haby your marriage could be doomed. Women can get sort of baby happy in their 30s and they wont detour. Good luck op.
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (25 May 2022):
 I agree that you have to sit down and have a chat with her about this.
You entered in to the marriage believing that she was fine never having children of her own, now she has sprung it on you now saying she does want kids, now putting you in a bit of a dilemma.
This is a tricky one, and I feel that this is going to but a huge strain on your marriage. If she now want's to try for a baby and you don't is going to lead to complications down the line.
If you decide to go with her wishes you are going against the grain of what you want, and vice versa she will feel resentful for not having any.
Either way the subject of having children will always now be the elephant in the room, its always going to be that awkward subject.
Its very important to have that conversation and get it out here what you both want, as it could be your wasting each others time continuing as you are.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 May 2022):
 I think you need to sit down and talk.
Having kids versus NOT having kids is a dealbreaker for most people.
If you DO NOT want kids, SHE is not the right partner for you.
She went INTO the marriage KNOWING you didn't want kids. But she THOUGHT you would change your mind at some point. So she went into the marriage THINKING having kids would be a big deal for you, that you would love her SO MUCH that you would want to give her kids. Or a kid.
Love has nothing to do with it though. You can love her with all your heart and NOT want kids.
She lied. "she said she was fine never having children of her own."
At 30 she knew whether she wanted kids or not. But at 33 the "biological clock" is ticking a lot louder than it did at 30.
You two have to talk, and it might be that the marriage is over.
She WILL 100% resent YOU if she ends up not having kids because of you. You will 100% resent her if she does end up pregnant.
This is a lose/lose situation.
19 years IS a big age gap, IMHO, but the kids/no kids is a much bigger issue.
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female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (24 May 2022):
Well my sister had her first baby at 51. Her husband was 55 and they both make great parents and are thoroughly enjoying it. And their little girl is at big school now and she's perfectly well-balanced as couldn't give a shit about having parents slightly older than average.
But if you really don't want children, tell your wife now and offer her a divorce so she can find someone who does want children. It's not unusual for a woman to feel that she doesn't want children in her late twenties and early thirties to change their mind about child bearing.
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