A
female
age
30-35,
*oxypuss
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been in each others lives for 1 year and maybe three months? I say this because I'm not sure exactly when we became a couple. I'm 20 and I have a relaxed philosophy to relationships and my boyfriend is 22.I moved away from home to a new city a year ago, I found it extremely hard my dad married around the same time (I guess sometimes things are much harder for some people than others. My boyfriend supported me through depression and through guilt over cheating on my ex and gave me space to get over it before we became anything 'serious'.I actually deferred uni and then pursued a job I love as a lap dancer, as I say we're both very relaxed about things like that it's never been an issue.He then moved in and then things became maybe too hard for us, he is awful with money, I worked to support him , and he never appreciated it or the money my mum lent him. I'd come home from work and I'd be horny because we hadn't had sex for ages and he'd always be too tired, I used to curl up and cry. No point in everyone else finding you sexy if the person you want to doesn't.Anyways now things are different, I'm over any forms of depression, back at university. He's getting better with money and although I still feel unappreciated and would love if he wooed me for once instead of me still occasionally in vain trying to take us for dinner (and he let his friends call throughout ugh). We were open for a while but he felt uncomfortable with it so I said I'll be closed but you can remain open and explore it. I had this massage off an old FWB, it was amazing, I remember he was good in bed but didn't take it further but it made me question my relationship.That's the thing I believe love and sex are separate, I still love my boyfriend but I don't want to sleep with him, even when he attempts to make effort it still frustrates me, even with guidance he still has sex with me when I'm dry. Ouch. But I know he used to be good? I know I still get horny as. I also know it hurts him if I want to be with him but prefer sex with other people...So we're on a break, he's finally gone home with some lady, I hope they have great sex and he really enjoys it because I'm sure I don't meet all his needs too (I can't do on top and he keeps placing me there) part of me hopes it might rekindle our sex life or at least make him more okay with being open?Sex isn't usually so important to me but I refuse to have sex I don't enjoy, I refuse to put us both through a celibate relationship too. Sigh Advice?
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a break, celibate, horny, lapdance, money, moved in, my ex, sex life, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 December 2011):
 This story I like.. lol.. have fun and enjoy yourself.
A
female
reader, Roxypuss +, writes (7 December 2011):
Roxypuss is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay an update, And no I except your point me not wanting sex with him was the indicator not the fact I wanted him to sleep with others.
We've broken up I'm not going to pretend we haven't had ex sex (god damn we share a bed!) which has been a lot better aha so I'm assuming I lost interest cos I wasn't happy being with him like you guys said. Moving out properly soon and hopefully when he's over it we can be friends. In the meantime I found good sex (minus the puppy). Yay happy ending.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 November 2011):
Ok, so he's not a bad lover.. then you are not romantically involved with him. He's your friend, not your lover or soulmate.Please don't be upset with us, we are just trying to help based on the little that you have told us.Why would you want a sexless relationship with a man. Why would you want to keep him, yet expect him to have sex with someone else and still come home to you.Why bind him and yourself this way. Are you sure that he's happy with this situation. Are you sure that he won't realize that this relationship is lacking and empty in so many ways.Get a dog to love, find a man to have sex with, let your guy go to find proper love, commitment and happiness.Yes I understand that not everyone can have or wants a "normal relationship". But ask yourself honestly, is this romantic love or are you just using him as a friend to keep you company?You need to be honest with yourself.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 November 2011):
 Well, I think that when you are in a relationship with someone you ought to desire them sexually and have feelings and sex linked together. When those two are separate you have yourself and friend with benefits. You love him, and you enjoy sex, but you don't care particularly much for sex with HIM. It could be anyone else for all you care, and perhaps you even prefer it to be with someone else because, as you said, he annoys you. His advances annoy you because you are over him romantically.
Perhaps it'd help if I explained... While not exactly similar a situation. I once had this boyfriend. We had amazing sex, but that was just about it towards the end. We broke up eventually, with a bit back and forth, and 6-7 months later we decided we wanted to try a relationship again (he couldn't stand seeing me dating again). The sex was still amazing, but I got annoyed at him. Very easily annoyed. His entire presence annoyed me. Because I didn't have those romantic feelings towards him. He was someone who was great in bed, but other than that we didn't have much to do with each other. He annoyed me, I got angry at him for everything, and just saw flaws with him.
Why was I so annoyed? Because I was trying to squeeze the last bit of ketchup out of the empty bottle. Just like you are trying to do now. You are trying to squeeze and blame your lack of enthusiasm for this relationship on you separating love and sex.
But be honest here. You love him, but don't want to have sex with him, isn't that exactly what makes you FRIENDS? So you have a few drops of ketchup left far in the bottle there, but trying to squeeze them out you will come to see that the bottle indeed is empty, even when you claim there is ketchup left.
You're over him, but clinging on to this by making him see other people and saying it's okay that you, his girlfriend, doesn't want him sexually. Nope. A girlfriend should want her boyfriend sexually. You have an nice friendship going on here. You're not an asexual person after all, you HAVE sexual needs and urges. You just aren't interested in HIM filling those needs for you.
When you love someone romantically love=sex=love. There's a reason it's called "making love". You'll get to experience it once you find a boyfriend who actually ticks all your boxes. You haven't experienced it yet, I guess, and that is why you believe those two are separate even in relationships. You've never made love to your boyfriend... am I right? Then he's not the one.
You do what you need to do, and squeeze out what's left, because that's normally what we have to do before we believe it is indeed empty and nothing left. But at least now you are a bit more prepared for what's coming.
You haven't by any chance had dreams about him lately? Whenever I am romantically over a boy I dream that he dies. Without fail. And it doesn't matter if I cling on to the last drops of love I have for them, it's dead. You just got to accept it and move on. It isn't the end of your life, just the end of this chapter.
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female
reader, Roxypuss +, writes (10 November 2011):
Roxypuss is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHang on wait don't slate us being open, we've been open when we were very into each other too. That isn't the issue I have no issue with us seeing other people, I have issue that I don't want sex with him now. I always wanted sex with him before. Also the comment about STDs is a bit presumptious we always use condoms with anyone else and anyone can catch and STI unless they're a virgin. We've never had a normal relationship, I don't think it really matters how normal a relationship is that doesn't discount your love for one another because that really is all a relationship is I think you're putting more emphasis on the social norms of a relationship here. We were fine, now we're not and I'm concerned.He isn't a bad lover either, I can't explain but they say sex is the first thing to go I guess and I think it's tied into my emotions with him.Chigirl I think you're closer to the mark but I still believe that I love him beyond platonic love, I don't see sex and love as the same but I really am very confused as to how to solve this, we're trying a break but we're in a tenancy so it's hard to have a 'break' when you live together. Even now he makes advances and it just annoys me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 November 2011):
You love your boyfriend as a good friend. Without the sexual interest, what is the difference between a boyfriend and a boy friend? None. It's platonic love, and you have zero interest in sex with him.
Fair enough that sex and feelings are separate, but when in a RELATIONSHIP (versus friendship) you should have those two linked. Or else what you have here is a friendship.
Your boyfriend is practical to have around for your emotional needs, I suppose, or else you wouldn't keep him around. But he doesn't fill the role of a boyfriend when you aren't sexually interested in him and he isn't sexually interested in. Practical and platonic, check. Passion and desire... not so much.
So what was the purpose of being in a relationship again? I mean, why aren't you and him just friends and call it a day? Would it really change that much? Live together as friends and go and enjoy your FWB without pushing it in his face. Then find a boyfriend who actually fulfills all your needs, and not just 2 out of 5 (or however many your boy friend fulfills).
You are open about him sleeping with others because you genuinely don't care that much about it. You don't care more about him sleeping with others than you care about anyone else of your friends sleeping with someone. Because as eyeswideopen pointed out, at the beginning you DID want him. Now you don't. He's just convenient to have around the place and you don't think you'll ever find anyone who can actually fulfill your needs (but you actually can, you just need to stop settling).
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 November 2011):
18-21 and you don't want to have sex with him and you don't feel jealous if he has sex somewhere else. This doesn't sound much like romantic love.He is bad in bed and he hurts you. This can be fixed.mmmm... when I was your age, I did the same thing. Had a boyfriend who I totally adored and found as sexy as hell. But I was a virgin and terrified to get pregnant, so I told him to have sex with someone else...BAD, BAD IDEA!!!!!! Of course, he started spending more time with the other woman, than with me. Sex is very intimate and brings you closer. And it hurt to know that he was someone else.Sigh... logically sex and love should be able to be separated, but as I found out, they can't. If he's a bad lover, then tell us about your sexual problems, we might be able to help with that. Use KY jelly or some lubricant for the dryness. Consider oral sex for you to give you some pleasure or maybe he needs slowing down. He can't place you anywhere, if you don't want to go on top then don't and if he tries to force the issue then stop sex immediately. Check out http://www.sexinfo101.com/ a wonderful site which has plenty of ideas of sex things you can do together. Practice and play until you find what is right for you.Men are not born knowing how to be good lovers. Your boyfriend is young and he needs your help to get better. If you are dry then there is not enough foreplay or his touch is too rough. Good sex in relationship takes practice.If you love him, be carefully before you give him away to another woman. Sex with your FWB might have been wonderful, but it was a FWB not a loving commitment. That guy probably has more practice as he'd rather have many lovers than settle down.Why give another woman the joy of turning your loving boyfriend into a sex god. Sex and love may be separate for you, but your naive to think your boyfriend feels the same way.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (10 November 2011):
 This:
"I'd come home from work and I'd be horny because we hadn't had sex for ages and he'd always be too tired, I used to curl up and cry."
and then this:
"I still love my boyfriend but I don't want to sleep with him,"
I don't get it.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (10 November 2011):
 Wow you have a whole bag of issues here! But at the end of the day a relationship without sex is not normal, and not wanting to have sex with your boyfriend is not normal. Open relationships are not normal, seperating sex and love is not normal....the list could go on and on.
Whether you want to accept it or not, love and sex are entwined, yes you can have sex without love, but you cant have love without sex. Passion, intimacy and pleasure are all parts of love and relationships, without that then you are missing some vital parts of the relationship.
It is not sustainable to have an open relationship if you want to be serious about being together long term. As much as you might be able to manage having sex and not putting in any emotions, you simply dont know that each time you meet someone whether you might fall for them as they show you what you are missing, they might give you an STD, they might fall for you and try and break your relationship up....there are so many things that could go wrong with an open relationship that could affect your serious relationship, it really is not worth the trouble.
Having an open relationship is a very immature thing to do, when you love someone you should commit to them, not sleep around with strangers and FWB's when you are feeling a bit horny.
The fact that this has happened clearly highlights your inability to communicate in this relationship - instead of talking to your partner and dealing with your problems relating to sex you are both going out and having sex with other people.
So you now have 2 choices - either end this for good as it is not working and you cant communicate with each other so you will never be able to make it long term. OR you can sit down together and talk about your problems, stop this open relationship nonsense and work on your relationship together rather than running away from your problems. I think you both actually need a relationship counsellor as this whole thing is so messed up, but just sitting down and talking about where you are both going wrong sexually would be a start.
Life doesnt work the way you think it does - if the person you love doesnt meet your needs doesnt mean that you can find someone else who does but still keep your partner at the same time, you cant have your cake and eat it. You either have to work damn hard at learning to communicate, learn to be faithful and committed, and learn to express yoursevles sexually and spend more time in the bedroom trying new things and learning about each other's bodies/turn on's etc. Or the only alternative is you go your seperate ways.
If you still want sex with multiple people then clearly you are not emotionally mature enough for a committed relationship so just stay single - simple as that. If you do want a committed relationship with your boyfriend then you just need to learn to communicate better and work on your problems rather than sleeping around as a solution.
And one final thing - I'm not aiming this at you, your boyfriend is just as bad as you are and neither of you should be sleeping around like this - you are both as bad as each other in this relationship and both need to try a lot harder.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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