A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok,.. here is the deal,.. and I know I'm not alone here. I don't have a sex drive anymore, I don't want it, don't need it. Of course my other half says he'll be patient,... NOT! About once every month or 2 I'll give in, and even though I'm not in the mood,.. I'll walk in the bedroom and make him happy just so he'll stop being a grumpy, moody man. What ticks me off though is that he knows I don't want to,.. but he doesn't seem to care. What makes me want to punch him,... is when he not -so-subtly reminds me that he wants sex. Ex: I'm washing dishes, cleaning, trying to deal with my 2yr old, and the hubby says something like,"I wonder when Daddy is gonna get lucky,.. hopefully soon." I've told him many times before,. "I know you want it, you always do,.. but please stop dropping stupid hints and reminders around me. I'll come to you when I want sex." He doesn't seem to be hearing me. He still drops hints. I remind him that the hinting just stands to piss me off, but he keeps doing it. Every single time I feel like turning around and punching him and say that since he had to drop another hint, knowing how I feel,.. that he's never gonna get sex again.I've even told him to go find a sex buddy,.. I don't care. I know I don't want it and men seem to need it. I tell him I love him, but if that's what he needs to be in a good mood,.. go find it. Of course he doesn't believe it so I don't know what to do anymore. My husband works 3rd shift so we don't sleep in bed at the same time very often. I sleep so much better when he isn't in bed with me. I tend to be happier when he is not around and sleeping all day because that means he isn't groping at me and the hints for sex are not there either. When he is off for a few days I can't wait for him to go back to work. I do love him but I just don't want sex with him or anyone else for that matter.I'm tired, worn-out and for those who question,.. I have my tubes tied,.. no birth control,.. but do take other meds that don't help the libido either. Arrrrrgggg. I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm not doing my womanly responsibilties,.. yet I do everything as a SAHM. I cook, bake, clean. He cooks once in a while and does dishes but I feel it's more to try to suck up to me so I'll put out. Any suggestions? How do I deal with his need for sex?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (4 December 2012):
OP, getting mad at your husband is no solution. If you only married him for sex then it sounds like its over and you should break it to him. If there was once two people that loved each other then you need tp decide of you want to get back somewhere near there again - its never the same once you have kids but it really doesnt need to be how you are now, BUT dont blame your husband 100% . You both got to this point together and if You want a future together you both need to work out a way to improve. First off, stop blaming, then work out how you are going to be happy. Talk nicely with your hb, work out your finances so you can do stuff, get a childminder, go to gym, go out, get new clothes, take trips together. And, if you cant break out of your depression alone, please see a doctor, they really can help. Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): You sound completely out of romantic love with your husband. Naturally you don't want to sleep with him.
But he is not out of romantic love with you. And he seems to still be under the mistaken impression that you still feel that way about him. So naturally he still wants to have sex with you. (I know you have told him you have lost all desire lately. But I get the feeling he is not aware that your ENTIRE romantic feelings are gone and this "dry spell" is not likely to end.)
You need to fix his mistaken belief that you still feel romantically in love with him. Tell him the truth about how you really feel and let the relationship end like it needs to.
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A
female
reader, Roxypuss  +, writes (2 December 2012):
You can have a marriage and relationship without sex. Most likely you do still have a libido hiding under there, you probably haven't gone off sex, just sex with your husband.The problem with modern concepts of a relationship is that we expect the other person to complete us to fulfil our every need, to emotionally support us, to sexually satisfy us, to protect us, to teach us and to love us. In reality we actually have different sources for a lot of these things when our partners can't help. We have friends and family for emotional support, we have specialised services like police to protect us, we have education to teach us new things or even our children for that and we have friends and family to love us and in non monogamous and some monogamous relationships we have prostitutes, mistresses, blokes on the side to fulfil us sexually when our partner can't.Ignore everyone saying you need fixing, in real life there can be huge periods even indefinite periods where someone loses interest in sex in your case I think it's because it holds not benefit for you but it could be medical, psychological or even just choice. You're not selfish, and if you are he's being equally selfish. You've already given him the option of sleeping with other people. Sex and love are not the same thing just because you don't sleep with him doesn't mean you don't love him, you need to explain that to him and ask him in what other ways you can help him feel more desirable. He's possibly faltering right now it's hurting his confidence 'emasculating' him because society said what man gets rejected by his wife. Hence his lack of patience. There are possibly a few ways you could reignite your sexual interest in him that is if you want to.1) This will help his flagging ego either way, compliment what you find sexy about him, you could maybe right a little story about each other what you think is sexy about each other and stress to him it has to be about non-sexual aspects too. You both want to be appreciated as whole people you're marriage isn't just about your genitals. If you want to you could slowly build up over a long period maybe have a month of just touching each other sometimes, make it a rule impress that this might help you become more sexual or whatever so he behaves. Sit near each other touch each other clothed maybe later unclothed and just enjoy that aspect, give each other feedback if he's hurting or not following the rules say and stop if he ignores you same goes for him. You might not like sex with him right now but touching can be totally innocent, holding hands etc. build it up over the months deciding on a new thing to do together you might never agree on having sex but some physical contact with you will help both of you and will help him feel less disconnected.2) Move away from each other, move house I'm serious, being apart means that you have more control over when you and him are intimate. Or alternatively try some romance like pretending you've never met each other and are dating so that you feel treated as a whole being again.3) This is my main concern here I think you're unhappy with sex because he's ignoring the fact you don't enjoy it, coercing you into it and dominating your body which in fact belongs to you. This attitude is common did you know rape didn't become illegal within marriage till 2006? I don't think he's necessarily raping you but he is harassing you and ignoring your requests, If he touches you and you say no point out that this is borderline that this is ignoring your freedom and infringing on the only thing we as humans truly own. Point out this is clearly unattractive to you that it doesn't reflect on him as a man but that his methods of attaining you are ignoring how you feel ofc he feels justified in this as he feels you're ignoring how he feels, you need to examine whether you feel appreciated beyond sex, sex isn't about just him if it was then you ought to be charging him by the hour and unlike an escort you don't get to clock off you don't exist to stroke his ego. Obviously these things are going to be effort or hard for him. He might feel why do I have to suddenly listen to this and that about how you need to find enjoyment to, but there's the thing you can't change wanting sex any more than he can just turn off wanting it, so if he wants it with you then effort will have to be made that may never fully give him what he wants. If he doesn't want to make that effort then he can go with your suggestion of seeing other women or just deal with the fact it isn't happening - oh and by the way when you do have sex use condoms, since he probably did take you up and the sleeping with other women thing. Insist he uses them with them too, although of course you have no way of knowing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): This is the thing. If you do not desire him anymore, it is because he does not spark that flame on you. Maybe you need to be swept off your feet as well, because he loves you and not because he only wants sex. Maybe he has done something or his childish attitude puts you even more "off" and he looks even less sexually attractive to you. Have you thought about a small weekend getaway? Maybe an intimate dinner? If you do not desire him anymore, tell him the reason why... tlak to him, tell him that maybe he has to charm the panties off you, not expect you to give it up. If you love him then try to also work on you, and pinpoint what makes him so sexually unappealing. Maybe what you need is a break, from the house, work, the kids, maybe you can leave the baby to grandma for a week, and go stay at a hotel or on a near by town, try to find out what was exactly about him that made him attractive enough to have a child with him,As a perosnal experience, I had a great sex life with someone, but then he lost his job, gained some weight, and even if he needed the money did not want a work where he had to work "too much" This turned me off from him, and the constant nagging for sex led me dread him. At the end I sat him down and explained to him on the nicest way that I was not attracted to him as a man and that groveling made him seem unappealing. He understood and stopped annoying me, since I would fall asleep before he attepted something. We took a break from each other for a few weeks due to work, and I missed him, when we came back we went on a trip and this woke the fire on me. Also, he got off his lazy butt hit the gym , got a job and started to work on being more attractive to me and "wine and dine" me. It takes two, one to one to work on our own low sex drive for the sake of the marriage ( imaigne him finding a sex buddy, falling in love with her and your child having a second mommy) and two, for him to work on sparking your firew again SLOWLY.Communicate with him, if you ar enot interested on sparking the flame, then a divorce is also prudent.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (2 December 2012):
 Hi
Your young to feel like this and to already have your tubes tied.I feel sorry for your husband and for you.
You miss out on the other side of marriage,you don't want the emotional closeness sex brings, so your husband goes without.
How long have you felt like this, is it recent,since you gave birth or since you have been on medication?
If you do NOT want to sort it, to find the cause,are adamant you hate sex,then set your husband free.Not suggest FWBs or affairs for him, just divorce him. That solves your dilema and his.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): Why are you even married if you don't want sex? I mean it sounds to me like you don't want to be sexual, not just that your libido is gone but you don't want it back.
I understand why your libido would be gone, after the reading the posts of the previous posters and their suggestions I kind of get it, I understand you may have medical reasons why it's gone but you don't care if he's sexually satisfied at all, so why even be married to him?
Sex isn't a duty OP, but it is a need. Sexual fulfilment in a relationship is very important to the vast majority of men and women including your husband and it seems you'd rather he was castrated and non sexual like you and that's unfair.
I mean come on OP, you don't even like sleeping in the same bed as him, your own husband.
I know I'm going to be berated for this but you're just not trying, not willing to try and that's just not a marriage at all. Sex isn't a right, it's not a duty but it is a need for him and you only care about your needs in this situation and you want him to change and have said nothing about wanting to please him. And you talk about wanting to punch him too.
Your choices are simple, either you want to bring sex back into your marriage or you don't. So you'll either go see a doctor about fixing your libido or you just tell your husband everything you just told us, so he can make the decision to move on and find another wife.
I certainly wouldn't stick around. I couldn't stay married to a woman who just care so little about me that she's not even willing to try. It's all "me, me, me" with you OP. Like he's some kind of fool for not being non-sexual.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 December 2012):
 If you don't want or feel like having sex EVER,- and you are not going to attempt anything to change that - then you can't stay married, simple. A marriage is a physical as well as emotional union, without the physical part ( unless BOTH freely consent to give up to it ) is not even a marriage but a housesharing arrangement, I think that if your husband had meant to get himself a roommate,he would have posted on Craigslist rather than proposing to you.
I understand that's not your fault if your libido is shot, but- aren't you even CURIOUS to find out why ?? I mean, no libido at 26 to 29, that's unusual and generally signals something is out of whack - physically or psychologically.
Did you see your doctor ? maybe you have a hormonal imbalance, or some other condition affecting your desire .
What about seeing a counselor- or a shrink ?
what about submitting the problem to the physician who prescribed you libido-zapping medications ? In general, for instance with SSRI antidepressants, there is not just ONE brand that can do the trick, but several,to find the best one with the least side effects is a trail-and-error process ( which I don't think you should try to avoid, since the side effects are hit not only you, but your husband ).
Maybe you are just exhausted, what with the toddler and the house chores..in this case you and your husband would have to figure out a way of giving you a break, at least temporarily,- a vacation, or hiring someone to help you a few hours a week, or ASKING for more assistence from freinds and relatives... there's no shame in asking for support when we really need it.
Or, maybe you stopped loving your husband, so you can't bother being intimate with him. Sad , but it happens, - you sound sort of resentful toward him and I am not sure it is only about sex...
It could even have something to do with having had your tubes tied, - that happened to a woman I know, after the procedure she just lost interest in sex,for no reason at all, because so far she had had an excellent sexual life with her husband. Turns out that, having been raised in a very conservative, very Catholic environment which saw sex as something intrinsecally dirty- deep down she felt that she had no " right"to enjoy sex now that she could not procreate anymore.
The reasons of your sexual anorexia may be dozens- but it's up to you to get moving and start searching why, you can't just say " Sorry buddy, tough luck, suck it up and don't nag me with your problems ". Because, seeing that you are married, that's not really HIS problem only, it's a couple problem and as such has to be dealt with. Otherwise, just break the couple and go each one his own way.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (2 December 2012):
 It sounds like a whole collection of pretty much everything going wrong here to stop your libido.
1. You are on medications that wreck your libido. Don't downplay this effect, it alone can be responsible for putting you totally off sex. Talk to your doctor about trying different ones to see it that helps.
2. You are tired all the time because your husband doesn't help out at all with the kids. Yes you are a stay at home mom and that means you do a lot more childcare and housework, but it shouldn't mean you do all of it. If you can you should try having them do daycare or have someone else watch the kids once in awhile to see if that helps.
3. Neither of you wants to fix the issue, you both just want the other to bend over backwards. You are both being selfish here. He wants sex but doesn't want to fix the issue why, he just expects you to fix the problem and make him happy. You don't want to fix the issue either, you just want him to stop asking. Sex is a part of marriage. Even if it's not that frequent it should be there. Rather than sitting around snarling at each other (she won't have sex with me he won't stop asking me) you need to sit down with a marriage counselor and talk it out. How can he help raise your libido (give you a break from the kids once in awhile, give you foreplay, etc...) and what can you do you do to get yourself more interested in sex (change medications, give YOURSELF a break from chores and childcare, find out what you need in bed, etc...).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2012):
 If you have not had a complete medical and hormonal work up get one. IT is NOT normal for you to be this hateful of sex at your age.
I can tell you when I was a SAHM I was touched out most of the time... I practiced modified attachment parenting and toddler led weaning.,.. my then husband would come home from work and go to hug me and be told "you may touch me above the shoulders or below the knees" I was just touched out....
I had two little ones hanging on me all day.... it was tiring.
And he rarely asked but I never declined... I would give him blow jobs often to help relive his tension....
You sound positively hateful of your husband for expecting to have sex with the woman he loves....
I feel your husband's pain. I want sex now all the time. I"m 52 my now husband is like you at 39 he has no drive and it's because he feels fat and unattractive (he's gained weight since we have been living together.) And yet I still want him. I just settle for cuddles and kisses...
You need to strongly consider getting medical and mental help for this or I would suggest as loathe as many will find this... offer him a divorce so he can find a woman that can fulfill all his needs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): He is not doing anything wrong, he loves you and wants sex. There is something though is going with you. Meds that you are taking might be the cause of it. You are tired, that may be the cause of it. SOMETHING is causing your lack of libido. That should be addressed, not ignored. You need to talk to a doctor.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 December 2012):
 It is unusual for such a young woman to have no sex drive "any more". If you never had it I'd understand, but a sudden drop shouldn't happen. A womans sex drive is known to rise as she gets older, not drop. Have you talked to your doctor about this?
You're married, you need to compromise. If you aren't going to give your husband affection through sex, then you need to find other ways. You can't expect him to go without sex for the rest of your marriage. No sex = no relationship, just a friendship.
"What ticks me off though is that he knows I don't want to,.. but he doesn't seem to care."
Well, he wants to, and YOU don't seem to care. A relationship needs love and affection, and all you're giving him is a cold shoulder and then you hold it against him that he wants more. And to top it off, you actually build up resentment when you have sex with him. Sex with your husband should be something you do out of love, because you want to take care of each other, because you want to show him care and affection and make him feel loved and wanted. Instead, you frown at it, get annoyed when he wants affection, and hold it against him?
"I've even told him to go find a sex buddy,.. I don't care." Then you get a divorce. Don't just close your ears and pretend the problem doesn't exist, and then tell him to go cheat on you and "you don't care". If you don't care about your husband, your marriage, and your family, then YOU file for divorce, instead of asking him to have an affair (which by the sounds of it you would hold against him as well). Do you think you are making life easy for your husband? I think you are caring only about yourself and not about his needs at all. It is not unheard of for a person to want to be intimate with their spouse, yet you talk about him as if he's disgusting for wanting a basic need in a relationship.
Get help, go talk to your doctor and figure out how to raise your libido. If that wont work, then put yourself in his shoes. He has a wife he loves that constantly turns away from him, wont touch him, holds it against him when he wants intimacy. You are rejecting him. Rejection hurts. Put yourself in his shoes. Do you know how much it hurts, and how horrible it is, to lay next to the person you love when they have their back turned against you and refuses to let you touch them? When you do not receive affection, care, love, intimacy?
It hurts, it really hurts, and you are deliberately hurting him because you feel he deserves this "punishment" because he keeps asking for it. Instead, you and him need to work to solve this problem, because you are being very unfair asking him to STOP wanting intimacy with you. You are also hurting him and insulting him when asking him to find a lover on the side. If that is your wish then you should rather file for divorce. Or, take your marriage seriously, and take your husband and his needs seriously, and work this out. Go see your doctor, or compromise on other intimate activities you can do that will fill his needs while at the same time doesn't demand "too much" from you. Although I fail to see how showing him love and affection is asking too much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): I'm very tired too, work 40 hours, have a lot of health issues but I feel that in a relationship sex and intimacy is very important, it shows your love for each other and builds a physical and emotional connection. Most of the time i don't want it but I do want to make an effort because i just love him so much and i want that connectionDo you still find him sexually attractive? It must be difficult for your husband that you never want to be intimate, its very important to make time for each other, can go for a romantic meal or a walk just something you 2 do together, maybe you'll feel like it more then.
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