A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met my wife when i was 30, she was 39. We have spent the past 15 years in what our closest friends call the perfect love. I am, however, feeling very depressed about the timing of our love. We did not get to have children together because she had uterine cancer 2 years into our relationship. She was married before me and raised children with her ex who was abusive, before that I know she was used by men who preyed on a woman with self-esteem isses. I feel like we both missed out on something beautiful because of our ages and circumstances and it's hurting me greatly. I am in therapy and looking for perspective. Is my sadness selfish? Any suggestions?
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female
reader, AuntieSnap  +, writes (24 October 2010):
Hi there,
I dont think you are selfish for one moment. It must have been a horrible time for you both going through the cancer and treatment.
You have something very very special together, a true and enduring love for one another and in this day and age of throwaway marriages and relationships is a rare and beautiful thing.
God bless.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (24 October 2010):
 It would be lovely if we could live our lives without any regrets.
Part of that is recognizing the fact that we have very little control over what has passed and is in our past and accepting that we can't change it.
Life is a journey, and it's never over a smooth road for any of us, not matter how perfect someone else's life may look like from the outside!
I think that your embracing therapy is a great step in getting your head to where it ought to be - accepting your life and counting your blessings. It's reasonable to look back with a bit of regret and sadness about how life's timing wasn't fair, but you are still young.
You are both still young enough to consider fostering children or becoming mentors in other children's lives. So many older children are overlooked, everyone wants to adopt or foster babies, but even teenagers need responsible and caring adults that have the time and energy to be a role model in their lives. I don't think you have missed the boat about having children who love you - I think you are just looking in the wrong boat!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): your not being selfish. i think that you just feel like you couldn't experience the joys of being a father. although it's not her fault she can no longer bare kids, but it really isn't fair to you.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (24 October 2010):
 Not selfish at all, so long as you're not blaming her - and it sounds like you aren't. It's completely alright to feel sad about opportunity costs, or about what other people's problems have done to us.
Unfortunately, there's not much I can think of that would alleviate the sadness. Your genes basically program you to be upset at the thought of never reproducing. Worse, when your wife's cancer was at its worst, I'm betting she got lots of love and sympathy, while you had to be strong. She certainly deserved the sympathy, but we tend to forget the pain of loved ones who have to watch the suffering. Consider this a virtual pat on the back.
Remember, none of this is your fault or your wife's, but it's going to be tough to get used to the idea of never having children. Just don't feel guilty about your sadness. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Violist +, writes (24 October 2010):
Hey. It's very early morning here in London. Can't sleep. Going through various things on internet. Noticed your question? I'm not sure at all if I have anything new or special to say. But I wanted to say that I understand you very well, and that I don't think you are selfish.
I am a woman, 42, and got dissappointed in my relationships with men a few times. That is enough of times to worry me: I am likely not to have children for my age - it was always, since my 20's, my dream. I was successful with my career but not very lucky with love.
Yes, I can understand very well your sadness. Your wish to have your own biological children must be very natural to many of us. But I'd like to say something else, too. You are lucky to have a loving partner, a happy and good relationship. You are for each other, you fulfill the space where children could have been. And you have your partner's children you can give so much, and they love you, too.
I haven't got a loving partner. I haven't got his children any more either. I was in a relationship I truly believed in. Only very recently I found out that my partner has been living a double life: he is living and engaged to an other woman (not mother of his children). So, my dreams and wishes to be a mother are pretty much out of the window.
It all is very painful and I have a long way to go.
To you, dear friend somewhere there, I wish lots of love, understanding and wisdom. Are you able to speak about this to your wife? Could you think of fostering a child? Would it be possible to adapt a child?
Please, don't think that your sadness is selfish.
X London, UK
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