A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im gettin married next year and while everything is perfect in the sence that im marrying the love of my life, I hav a huge problem concerning my father. Its a long story so i'll explain best i can my father suffers from a mental illness and also is an alcoholic.the first part is not his fault obviously. I understand the hardship that a mental illness can present but i'll be honest because of him myself and my brother suffered a truely cruel childhood filled with alcohol fueled abuse and violence from him. We had little support when my mum found the courage to file for a divorce and some members of family from my fatherz side said nasty things. We stayed in touch with him in a loose basis xmas and birthdays ect but that was all i could manage to spend around him without reliving horrific memorys.Now when my father found out i had got engaged he somehow got a hold of my number and called and said 'i had better be invited' but the trouble is we had been engaged for all of 2 days and i didnt want to say so, i said yes. Now my brother has said he wont come and my mums upset because she thinks he will cause a scene when he finds out my stepdad is giving.me away. All i feel.at the moment is hatred when i remember the things he done to me and then guilt for not being able to forgive and put it behind me. Its going round in a horrible circle.Pleasecan some one give me some honest advice as im feeling really lost.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2011): If you don't want your father at your wedding - then say so, but as he probably has the date already and the venue too then I think its going to be difficult. I wonder who got themselves involved and told him about it all.
My first instinct is to say just you and your fiance get on a plane/train whatever and get married elsewhere,alone - tell everyone and celebrate when you get back.. with a party for close family and friends. Its your day and it should be happy and carefree not stressful and a battleground for others.
As for forgiving your dad, why should you, we cannot pick our parents and tho he is a parent, he was not a good one and you suffered badly and clearly still are affected by his abuse of you.You should not have an atom of guilt..sadness perhaps but no guilt.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 October 2011):
 That is the problem with being wishy-washy. You sorta kept in touch. Probably wanting to keep the peace. "He is still my father after all" etc etc. It sounds nice but being nice never solves anything.
It is the Oprah culture and that notion that somehow the victim has to forgive. Next step is that the offender is the victim and soon you will be letting criminals go free because locking them up is just to cruel.
It seems pretty clear from your story that your father hasn't changed at all. So you want to forgive a person who is still doing it?
My advice, but I am not a bleeding heart, is to make it very clear to him in a WRITTEN letter that you want no further contact and if he doesn't confirm that he will stay away you will take out a court order against him.
Then simply hire some security, to keep out uninvited guests. Can't do that? To heartless?
Then be prepared to deal with your father on his terms for the rest of your life.
Life is about choices. He made his, now make yours.
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A
female
reader, uroboros +, writes (22 October 2011):
he cant just invite himself to your own wedding! dont invite him, for your own good.take care!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 October 2011):
 Don't invite him , and don't feel guilty for not inviting him. I don't think this is out of revenge, it's just out of common sense. Your wedding should not be attended to by ANY mentall ill violent alcoholist who could possibly cause a scene any minute. This is not only your wedding, it's also your fiancee's wedding, and you don't want to possibly spoil the day for him and his family too, and make your special day a day fraught with fear and tension.
Unluckily your father is not fit to attend ANY wedding,that's all.
As for forgiveness, it's a long process, and a very liberating, refreshing one, and I hope and wish that at some point you'll get there too. Because it will be good for your life, not because nice people forgive, But you can't speed it up at will, and if the abuse has ruined your entire childhood, it's not surprising you are still working on it.
I think anyway that also when you have forgiven someone, that does not necessarily means that you have to hang out socially and be best buddies. You forgive in your heart , and you wish them well- but you have the right to protect your life, and to keep out the people that bring turmoil and negativity in it.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (22 October 2011):
 Your wedding is a most important day. And you have a right to a pleasant beautiful day without any fear of any kind of scene. No one has a right to ask to be invited. OK it is your father. But even close family need to respect that the bride and groom are getting married - it is their day.
And weddings are often very emotional.
Your understanding and compassion towards your father is admirable. Your father cannot help that he has a mental illness. He may even find it very difficult to handle his alcoholism. He may even lack insight into how much his own behavior has hurt you. But hurt you it has. And you are still dealing with it.
You had a cruel childhood with alcoholism and violence. I do understand that sort of pressure as I did too. My father died before I married. But if he had lived I do not think I could have endured being escourted down the aisle by a man (my father) who was in a constant state of inebriation. My cousins once remarked to me, 'Your father stinks.' I can recall I died with embarassment. But I knew it was true. I looked forward to the Police arriving (I never called them - but neighbors did) because that at least stopped my parents fighting for a little while. I know the pain of being a child and trying to separate my parents in a physical fight. If my father had still been alive when I married I know I would have felt like a hyppcrite to have him escourt me down the aisle. That is if he even remembered to show up on the day.
And isn't it NOT useful when family who are not there to see all the misery then demand that one is forgiving of behavior they do not have to endure? On a daily basis. It is well meaning interferring meddling such family who should also forfeit a place at the wedding. On purpose I chose to limit my guest list to entirely and only those people who meant the most to me. Not the people it was alleged "you should" invite. Wedding went much better as a result.
It was my day, not theirs.
You do not need your wedding day marred by interference from people who have not the courage to tell you to your face that they are meddling behind the scenes to undermine you because of what they think you "SHOULD" do.
If they have a problem tell them to hold a party for their friends, and a party that they pay for and tell them to invite your father to that.
Someone interferring gave your number to your father. If you need peace from his calls then change your SIM.
even if you did say yes, when under pressure and when shocked then you are entitled to change your mind.
Who has stood by you and supported you? Your Mom and your brother and perhaps your step Dad. There is your answer on who takes priority.
Your father cannot dictate when and where he is invited to any function. If the pain you went through is still raw then you have a right to protect yourself. You do not need to let the guilt eat at you. If the past still causes you deep pain then inviting your Dad might cast a nasty shadow over what should be a wonderful and very happy day.
If your father is respectful of your feelings and understands that you still hurt then surely out of respect he would stay away? But if he is not respectful of your feelings and has a sense of entitlement that is not earned then why should he be invited? He has not earned that right.
Try to remain alert to who in the family is undermining you and passing on private information to your father? That person is not being helpful at all.
Keep the details of the venue for the wedding and the reception something that you and your Mom and your fiance keep to yourself at the moment.
Before my wedding I made it clear that I did not want any of my Mom's then boyfriends (3 would you believe!) attending the wedding. She was miffed. I think she thought it indicated how popular she was. It embarrassed me. And I chose to refuse any wedding present from any of these guys, including the completely inappropriate wedding gift one of the boyfriend's offered to me as a wedding gift. A gift my Mom thought was funny.
Prior to our wedding my then fiance and I also chose to plan the wedding in the event that my Mom had a tantrum and refused to attend on the day. That was always going to be a possibility. So to cover that we chose to pay entirely ourselves for the wedding and kept the wedding very small and even had a Plan B in place. As it is my Mom had a mini tantrum about her boyfriend's not attending and refused at the 11th hour to come. But in the end she did attend, although a tiny bit late. In the shortest skirt she could manange.
Families behave badly, especially, at two events - weddings and funerals.
I can see yoru point of view in this, and if you have the courage to follow through and stick with your refusal to have your father attend then I say All Power to You.
Your father needs to learn that there are consequences for all bad behavior.
And you have no need to feel any guilt at excluding your father.
Guilt is an entire waste of time and does not help in any way.
I do hope the wedding is wonderful, when the special day arrives. best wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2011): Mod Note: I was the moderator and I have since altered the title. If you do not like the amended title please post a follow-up. I did not think your post lied nor mislead in any way. I accepted that you have experienced family violence and that you are struggling to forgive that. And that you were very forgiving of your father's mental illness but had also had to contend with his alcoholism. Sorry the orginial title caused concern. Im sorry but who added this title? I apprecite that the one i put prob didn sound interesting. But My father has not threatened anyyhin about the wedding apart from 'id better be invited' the reason he is not wantwd there is because of the past violence and myself and family struggling ro forgive, but im just trying to do the right thing . Im not out to lie and mislead
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