A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:An old girlfriend tried to I.M. my b/f tonight while we were on the computer downloading some music. He chose the "do not accept" this person as an I.M. buddy, but I was still upset that she's contacting him. He claims he hasn't talked to her and I'm trying to believe that, but it's been about 8 yrs. since they were a couple, and almost a year since they spoke. I admit they used to be friends after their break up, and during times when he was single, I know they visited each other but she knows I'm in his life now because last year he had me talk to her when she was calling him about picking up her son at the airport. I'm also aware that she texted him about a year ago and I thought she had finally stopped. My b/f says he's not going to contact her, but obviously, ignoring her doesn't mean she'll go away. I have a feeling she has broken up with boyfriend number 230 by now, and she just wants a shoulder to cry on. But I don't want my b/f getting sucked into her drama because I don't completely trust her. Since he doesn't seem to want to deal with it, I am tempted to e-mail her myself and just tell her nicely that I'd appreciate it if she's quit contacting him. Do you think that might work? Woman-to-woman? She seems like a nice person but I'm getting sick of watching my back.
View related questions:
his ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (6 September 2007):
I can see how this would be very upsetting for you. It must feel like in someway your bf cant let go and if he cant let go of his exs it makes you think all these thoughts like maybe he still has feelings for them and so on?
Especialy considering his ex ended the last relationship, it wasntsomething he chose to do.
However I can speak from the other side...I know what its like to stll be in contact with an ex and still want to have some sort of contact with them, but not wanting to get back with them. I guess its just hard to say goodbye FOREVER to someone who once meant a lot to you. I am finding it hard to say goodbye forever to my ex bf, who I would never dare get back with because he was abusive. So I guess my point here is, that your bf could be all innocent...
The fact that you said he has trouble standing up to women may give you some comfort I would assume? Because atleast you know it could just be that- he cant stand up to women. But if this is the case then how is he standing up to you saying 'no i will not tell me ex off'? Thats something to think about. As wrong as it seems, maybe use your 'women powers' over him to get him to do the right thing...
So this ex you are talking about now is a different one to the one in your original post hey?
Perhaps your bf stil feels hurt for them ending the relationship and as im sure you know, when you get dumped by someone, it can do all sorts of things to your self esteem, leaving you feel like you are worth nothing and not loveable. So perhaps by the ex gfs ringing him, showing 'interest' and giving him attention, it makes those feelings he has from being dumped go away. It culd be a case of him needing an ego boost.
If I was you I would tell your bf that you admire him for wanting to be supportive and a good frined to them, thats really good of him, however when it causes problem in you relationship, its a sign that his supportiveness isnt all that good. Remind him that these exs they have OTHER people they can go to. Its NOT the end of the world if he isnt there to support them. They will find someone else surely. Tell him if he wants to be anyones hero and supporting person, it should be to you! Also perhaps remind him that if he was to "tell them off" it doesnt have to be nasty or aggressive...he can be assertive- so say what he wants without being nasty or hurting anyone elses feelings- besids the fact that they may be losing his support.
I think you really need to make your point clear, which im sure you have been trying to do. But just remember, say how you feel and always remain respectful to your bf to avoid cauing a nasty fight. You will be more likely to get your point accross if you remain calm and respectful.
And perhaps another thing for your bf to think about is maybe geting some professional help. He seems to me like he has low self esteem which many people suffer from...and his low self esteem is causing him to be walked all over by ex gfs, which isnt good.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks happytochat. My b/f is pretty outspoken except when it comes to women. He is a nice guy and he always has a soft spot for 'women in need', which is how all his ex-es manage to keep him on a string for their needs. He says his ex-g/f's are in the past and "they had their chance" now it's just a friendship thing and he likes to be "supportive" when needed. I've told him that I think it's sending the wrong message to them, like they still have a chance and now that he's in a relationship with someone he loves, there's no need for him to continue being so "supportive", like driving her kid to the airport which was 200 miles away and just being too available, because it makes me wonder. When he's dealing with women, he tends to avoid conflict instead of dealing with it head on. That's why I was tempted to contact her myself. And to top it all off, last night at 1:30 AM our phone rings, waking us out of a dead sleep. It was an Iowa caller ID which is where his most recent "ex" lives and we know no-one else who lives in Iowa. She didn't leave a message but I didn't sleep the rest of the night. My b/f wasn't the one who looked at the phone, because it's on my nightstand, but I saw the area code for Iowa, plus it said "Iowa" above the number, just no name listed. This ex ended their engagement 4 yrs.ago but again, he tried to remain friends with her and tried desperately to get her back until I came into his life. She hasn't contacted him in over a year and sort of dropped out of sight around the same time. We knew she was last living in Iowa so now I have a new problem to deal with!! I got up and wrote down her number, then deleted it from the caller ID. I can't deal with any more friggin' ex-es!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (5 September 2007):
Personaly I think you're bf needs to step up and be a man. He needs to tell his ex gf off. They broke up for a good reason and shes in the past...she doesnt need to be in his future. He can be friends with anyone he wants to be, he doesnt need her as a friend in his life.
You have the right to feel comfortable and secure in your relationship and at the moment you arent geting any of that due to his ex gf contacting him and him not being willing to tell her off. What are his reasons he gives you for not telling her to never contact him agian? Does he just say he doesnt see the reason cause they are just friends? If thats his reaosn then you should say well that is very well true from your point of virew, but I dont feel comfortable with it and you dont know for sure how your ex gf feels.
I think you have good reasons to be uncomfortable with thsi, especialy if they have useed each other for sex in the past.
Ask him why this friendship with his ex is so important and why cant he get any of that somewhere else? Realisticaly he could. So there must be some reason why he cant let go of this frinedship. Either hes too much of a nice guy and doesnt want to say no to her, or he has some old feelings for her that he cant let go (thats not to assume that hes going to cheat on you).
How does your bf deal wiht other problems in life? Does he ignore them and not face them? If so then perhaps you could take his not willing to speak up to her as a sign that thats jsut how he deals with problems, rather then being suspicous. However if generaly hes a outspoken person who usualy can tell someone off...then thats when I would start to question him on why it is so hard for him to say he cant be friends with her anymore.
You said in your original post that he claims he doesnt talk to her...yet now hes saying they have a friendship? How does that work?
Just some things to think about ^
Dont try to push your feelings away or hide them, they will get much worse. Continue to express them in anyway you can and continue to tell your bf how you feel about the situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your wonderful advice. I have decided not to e-mail her, and I have asked my b/f to do it. Unfortunately he refuses to, which makes me feel like he doesn't want to totally close the door on their relationship. I know they've used each other for sex in the past when they've been in-between mates. He's not in-between at the moment but she may be and I hope he doesn't invent some kind of business trip all of a sudden because I know I will be hugely suspicious and I told him so. I think he knows I'll be watching for any signs of contact between them. He thinks if he blows her off she'll quit contacting him but so far that has not been her pattern. He says they are just friends and I don't understand their relationship. He's right. I feel no good can come out of a friendship with an ex when you are in a current relationship and it's causing problems. I am trying to trust him and forget about it, but it's in the back of my mind all the time. Everytime his phone rings, I wonder if she's calling or sending him a text. Everytime he's on the computer, I'm watching for those I.M. pop up messages and it's stressing me out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Cupcake  +, writes (4 September 2007):
 I agree with everyone else, you should have him email her. I was in a similar situation and took it upon myself to email the ex and that only caused problems such as her telling me he was cheating on me, and really just lost it on me because she was mad and jealous. Just let him know that the fact that she calls and texts makes you feel uncomfortable and that you would appreicate it if he could email her telling her to stop. My boyfriend also changed his phone number as well, so if he is actually really bothered by her contacting him that might also be a good idea for you.
Good luck!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (4 September 2007):
 Hi, i had the exact same problem.My bf's ex was contact him on my fone which she though he had.They have not been in contact for about a year.She tried ti call and texted him. Eventually i called her and she said that "they were only friends and if she wanted to have him at any time she would even right now" - i was very upset and my bf ended up caling her himself telling her that he didnot think it was a good idea to be in contact as it was causing a problem in our relationship.
You should get your bf to do the same.Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (4 September 2007):
I think that it would work better if she heard it from your bf, rather than you. If she hears it from you, she could just think you are being a jealous gf, and still think that your bf wants to have contact with her if he isnt saying it to her. So if I was you I would be getingg my bf to talk to her. She will more liekly listen to him. After all it is his ex gf, he should be the one doing it anyway. So he should be dealing with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, BeckyBadger +, writes (4 September 2007):
 I think that maybe you should ask your boyfriend to email her, maybe it would then seem genuin that he does not want to speak to her. It seems that he is fixed on you anyway so I'm glad that you feel that you can trust him, but I would not contact her your self. Not alot of advice I know, but let me think a little more and I'll get backt to you,Good luck anyway,BeckyBadger
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): Hi Love,If your b/f is not having anything to do with her then thats a good sign. And if you send her a message that may upset the whole thing as she may well contact him telling him you told her to stop the contact and then he would want to no why you did this as he wasnt going to contact her anyway. Plus hunny this may add fuel to your fire by lighting her fire as she may get annoyed and try and contact him even more just to annoy the hell out of you.So it could all backfire as there is really no nice way of saying dont get in contact, Its not her you need to trust love its your guy.I no your worried that she is going to get in the way, But he isnt that bothered so you have to trust him hun, I no its not easy but if you do send that e-mail it could get alot harder and cause problems that are not there now. PLEASE TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
|
