A
female
age
41-50,
*urple2010
writes:Ok, I was having an affair with a man. I'm married. He was married for twenty something years (almost divorced) and has a non live in partner, they have been together for a few years. We were caught out by my husband. My husband and I have agreed to stay together for our young sons sake. We are amicable.There is little if no sex between my husband and I.Anyway, myself and the othe guy, we have gotten back in touch and have been so for just over two months. . His situation is, he is still with his partner.. Thing is she is moving in with him shortly but he has discussed his reluctance do this and confided in me. NOw I know this sounds a likely story but I know as fact that he is not happy with her. He is somewhat of a people pleaser and doesn't deal with confrontation well and likes to keep the peace.......if it means keeping others happy. We were friends before we had the affair so we talk about many things.He keeps saying to me, he isn't happy, and making jokes about us for instance ' if we were an item', 'I wouldn't work late at night if you were my partner. The situation regarding his home is as follows, his youngest son lives with him (22) his other two children are married. He has paid the mortgage and bills whilst being seperated from his wife for last 5 years and he has been trying to get divorced for years. His partner has a son and they are both moving in with himI think we are both holding back. He has told me is in love with me but very scared of the consequences.I truly care for this man. this is NOT a fling. I'm deeply in love with him. I'm also completely aware of his baggage and I'm NOT looking at this with rose tinted glasses! He is weak; and appears scared to tell her he doesn't want her to move. He is going on holiday next week with her, her mother and sister, to which he keeps telling me, ' I wish I didn't have to go on hols......I've got too much going on in my my head'. My reply to that was ' sort it then and don't use me as your emotional cructh'.I don't want her to move in (its not my right even to say this), I fear that if there is any chance of being with him properly, now if my time to speak up.I don't want to hurt her, or anyone else for that matter. I'm not young. I'm in my mid thirties. Obviously we are sleeping together and its not just about sex He is a good bit older than, but I know he would look after me and make me happy.Should I ask him not to let her move in? Should I tell him how I really feel. He continually tells me, things like ' I wish I was with you tonight', i asked him about his future last night and he said ' Well,future? Just see what happens........'.He is a good man and he has a kind heart.I know that we are both good people, despite having this affair. I absolutely feel that he IS my soulmate. I feel he is torn as he has said as much. He is obviously concerned about my husbands reaction if we did get together. I just believe that if we don't do something about this now..........I will loose him for good.We had a slight argument via text last night. He misintprated something I said to him and he said 'Look I've enough to deal with...........don't fall out with me. Either be my friend OR not. Anyway we sorted it out. Before he went to sleep he said something he has never said.......' You know I would be with you every evening if I could be but I can't because I'm so scared'. things are really at make or break now. He goes away on Sunday for 10 days and his partner is moving in at the end of July. I don't know what to do. Whats worse is he lives 5mins from me. Should I let him go and try and find happiness with her or should I put everything on the line and tell him I want to be in a proper relationship with him?Any advice I would appreciate. Thanks for listening. thanks for reading.
View related questions:
affair, divorce, on holiday, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): your affair suits this man - he has a committed woman to spend his life with and he has sex with you because you let him on the sly. what man wouldn't go for this sex on the sly story! your lover is letting his long term partner move in with in because he wants to. your lover is going away with her love and her family because he wants to. he is not a child. no one is forcing him. he is doing all of this because he wants to, just as he is having an affiar with you because he wants to.
what future together, indeed? his words were golden. his future is with his long term partner.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Ah, you don't believe me.. your story is different, this guy is your soul mate, his partner is terrible, he loves you and wants to be with you.... I'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE...
Read this post, and see if you can find a situation that seems familiar..
We even have a woman who lives with her "married man", but she is still the mistress, not the person he introduces people to and not the person he sleeps next to at nights..
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.html
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 June 2010):
"His situation is, he is still with his partner"
This is the begnining, middle and end of the story. He has a partner, he has a child. He may have a sex relationship with you, but he's already commited to somebody else and you are the bit on the side.
They are moving into his house, because he asked them too. Woman, open up your eyes, you are being foolish, this man dosen't belong to you, he already has a partner.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 June 2010):
Can you not read between the lines on this one? You believe you're not having a fling. He IS having a fling. You think he is your soulmate? To him, you are the mistress. Not only did he get a divorce from his wife, but he now has another partner. So he's playing two women. He's playing with your mind to keep you there on the side, and you can't see it at all. This man isn't weak, he's a genius! He's got you wrapped around his finger, as he has with this other woman. He's even actually letting her move in with him, along with her child. You are being played, and you're letting it happen. And what happens if your husband finds out again? Worse still, what if your son finds out. Then you're in real trouble.
You're not thinking this one through properly. Stop with all these lies and this affair. You're degrading yourself, and when all this comes out you will be the one who loses out. He doesn't care about you, or he would not be with this other woman and he would have moved you in and insisted you divorce your husband. You're letting him use you, you're still not sorting out your marriage, and in the middle of all this will be an unhappy son who will find out and blame himself. Get it together, and made a decision. Leave your husband, or end it with your lover before you wind up with nothing but a bad reputation, a destroyed marriage and an unhappy son.
...............................
A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Hi. I get the feeling you are both too scared to make the decision to be together. If you dont act soon you will lose him. Once this other woman moves in he wont find it so easy to see you. If she gets wind of you, she will run you off. He wont fight her because he will want to keep her happy. So you are about to lose him. It would be unfair of you to stay with your husband and expect this other man to live alone waiting in the wings for you. Hubby might be ok now but if he ends up doing as you did, you could find yourself alone with neither man around in the not too distant future. So its time to "woman up" and sort out what you want, before you end up with nothing x
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 I hope there are among the Dear Cupiders a few fans of the sitcom "Friends " so they will remember the following exchange :
Monica asks Phoebe to help her with something. Phoebe answers " Oh, I'm so sorry, I would love to help you, but I just really can't ". Monica " And why can't you ?" Phoebe : "Because I don't want to."
A lot of people- among them your lover,apparently, are a tad confused between "Can't "and "Don't want ". "Cant't " is something that implies being sent to jail, or hospitalized, or similarly momentous consequences. All the rest is a "Don't want ".
Then again, I am not sure to understand what is it that you really are asking us :
how can you make him not want to take in his partner and son ? How to break them up for good ?...
But what would the point be ?, you agreed to stay with your husband . You are still living with him, and also still having sex with him, even if not often.
If I got it right, it's not like you'd dump hubby and child to go live with your lover,as soon as he turns down his partner, - so what's thedifference if they live together or not ?
...............................
|
