A
female
age
41-50,
*aresha
writes:Hello there,I am 29 years old and I am a sensual woman, I like everything that has to do with sex and I am quite open about that fact. I have slept with a lot of guys in my past and I have very little constraint. I like to try a lot of things and I am the woman that will try to make things happen that you only dared to dream about before. I love talking about sex and I love when I get a guy to "want me".I have met a few men that I really liked and spent time with a lot, men that I could see me in a loving and monogam relationship with. But in my past it never came to that. The reaction has always been something like "I really like how you are open about anything sexual. You are a great woman with a big heart and the guy who will get to be by your side will be a very, very lucky guy. I really love you as a friend. But I just do not develop feelings for you." the "i want to be friends" has never just been "a line" with these guys - they all really meant it and they all do still really care about me in general, me being happy and finding a man that treats me right. But until now I have always been the "second in line". Once the guy came out of a relationship, once he was in a relationship and I truely was "the other woman" or the guy just kept looking for a woman he could fall in love with.Last year I met someone and for the first time in my life I really fell head over heels. This guy is everything I ever wanted. We are best friends, he called me his soulmate, we complement each other perfectly. We went to school together (me at 28 and he at 29 in a re-training), spend 10 hours each day together and still felt the need to talk on the phone each night and meet at least once a week. We developed our friendship into "friends with benefits" and I never understood why this guy could not commit to me. After a few months it was quite clear to everyone on the outside that we are together. He was seen as my shadow, following me everywhere. We could sit in our canteen for 30 minutes just talking, staring at each other without realising that someone we knew sat down besides us. So everybody thought we were crazy in love. We often spend our lunch breaks driving to a quiet place in the woods to be intimate.We kinda behaved like teenagers with a 10 years sexual experience.But he was never able to commit to me and made it pretty clear that he does not have any feelings for me - which I could not believe at all but I needed to trust what he said.Our best friend at that time (she went to school with us and the three of us spent a lot of time together) could not understand what was going on either. She thought that it might be that I do not match his "picture" of what a girlfriend should be like. We both can be socially awkward and he always tends to fall for women he can hide behind in social situations. That would not be me as we kind of took turns hiding behind the other one. Additional to that he always liked atheltic, petite women and I am more of a "Rubens Girl". Very feminine but not at all athletic or petite.I never got the answer to why he behaved like he did but it was the best relationship I ever had and it broke my heart when he told me at the end of last year that he found a woman that he could fall in love with. And he did. I have never seen him that excited and completely happy before. It broke my heart but seeing him that happy made up for it ... a little.He is with this woman for 8 months now and it still hurts. I do still love him but I cope with it and our friendship is still there. We talk at least once a week although we do not go to school together anymore.About a month ago he told me that he misses talking about sex and he always liked how open I am about it - as he is not. He wants to but the topic of sex is something he did not like to talk about before he met me. I can see that he still is uncomfortable when I name stuff, but he is getting more comfortable each time we talk.Now for the last few weeks we can talk on the phone like friends but at least once a week he tries to reach me via chat (which is quite normal for us) and leads the conversation into something sexual - ending with mutual masturbation. I was shocked and confused the first time because that was something that totally felt "out of the box" for him. He is not the person to do something like that. He things so highly of being honest and commited to one person! But he kept doing it. And I did ask him about it and told him that I was confused but I never said "no" .. I just miss him too much to be strong and say "no". He now is with his girlfriend every weekend and during the week He masturbates at least once chatting with me.When we met 3 weeks ago we got drunk together like we did several times before, had a brilliant night talking and having fun but it ended with him having a hard one and us being only one step before becoming intimate with each other. We touched and stuff but I hesitated and asked him if this really was okay and after a couple of hours it ended with him driving home, coming online and with a save distance between us ... masturbating. I feel like it is only a matter of time until he wants to cheat on her with me. Which is something he might not forgive himself for or he might be fine with. This kind of is the only area I cannot read him.I am still so confused. I do consider myself an intelligent woman but when it comes to realtionships and emotions I am so helpless ... I might be totally blind. I cannot say "no" to him, I am too weak. I have NEVER been that weak! And its not like I do not recognise myself anymore - I like that I found somebody I feel comfortable enough with to be weak.But I do not understand what is happening here. Why does he do that? Does he maybe just see me as an easy sex toy? He knows he can "have" me and that sometimes is what turns him on. He still is with his gf every weekend so his biological needs cannot be too much, can they?I just do not understand what is happening and I feel like I need to talk about this, I need to get a "second opinion" but I do not have a person to talk about this here without consequences.I know I have been writing a lot but I fear I do not give a clear picture otherwise. Please give me your opinion. What is happening here ... a simple "he is in a relationship so do not do this" does not seem to help ... especially because I actually do want to do it. I need to understand what's happening!
View related questions:
best friend, drunk, petite, sex toy, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): With this particular guy I think it is he who can't be any more intimate with you - he just can't get closer. I had a bf like that - now he is with someone else - and doing the same thing to her. I have known his some time and he has done the same pattern with all his women.
Then again - I am the one who a man will be very very lucky to have. Hmmm so why dont I have a man in a committed relationship? Good Luck to you and me!
A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 I'm glad to help. If you want to discuss it further, feel free to PM me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caresha +, writes (23 June 2010):
Caresha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes Xanthic, you are completely right about that. Maybe my definition of "respect" was just a little different than what you meant. I do get what you say and yes, this kind of is a theme with all "relationships" I had so far. Maybe that is the core of this problem?
I am just writing a different question that covers that better I guess.
Thank you for taking the time!
...............................
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (23 June 2010):
The reason I said he likely doesn't respect you is due to your statement that he supposedly didn't have feelings for you, yet still slept with you. If he really respected you, you would be his first and foremost right now rather than a friend he gets off with. From what you described, this seems to be a theme with most if not all of your past relationships, yes?
...............................
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Sigh.
I've met this type, you know. They're nice guys, they even love their girlfriends/wife but they can't resist the temptation offered by the 'other woman'. He's used to you, he knows you, he knows you're there for him and that you won't say no. I've never been emotionally involved in these things myself, but I can see you are and I feel for you.
I'm sorry, but the hard truth is that he's not likely to commit to you if things go on like this and you might end up both doing something you'll regret.
You have to reach closure on this, one way or another. Either tell him to commit to you, unconditionally, or cut off ties. You're still very young, you know. You deserve the chance to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caresha +, writes (23 June 2010):
Caresha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answer!
The first bit totally makes sense to me. I guess that is the answer to most of my relationships with guys. Except that this behaviour doesn't seem like him. He is 29 and he only ever slept with women he was in a serious relationship with (which was not a lot) - except me. He sais he cannot "make love without being in love" and I believe him. Until he met me. He always has been the most faithful and trustworthy boyfriend and got his heart broken really, really bad in the past. Nobody who knows him from back than would even consider him doing what he does now! Or he is the best actor ever!
The thought that my best friend who shares the most emotionally intimate thoughts with me ... his fears and worries and poems he has not even shown to his girlfriend does not respect me is really, really weird!
He is the one who was shadowing me last year, like a lovesick puppy. He stayed over at my house a lot and during his move last year it was the only place where he could really relax and feel "home". He slept holding my waist while I was sitting up, reading and when I got up he half-woke up mumbling "don't leave me .. don't go" over and over again. What we had was not "just Sex".
I do feel something might be true about your answer but it just does not really "fit into the picture" yet ... am I missing something?
...............................
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (23 June 2010):
"But I do not understand what is happening here. Why does he do that? Does he maybe just see me as an easy sex toy? He knows he can "have" me and that sometimes is what turns him on."
That's your answer. It doesn't matter how much he's with his girlfriend, you're making yourself available and convenient for him. He takes advantage of that simply because he can.
As for why he couldn't commit, I'm guessing because he didn't and still doesn't respect you. Sex and love are completely separate things to men, after all. If you don't stop doing what you have been with him, you're never going to be able to move on and find someone with which to have a healthy relationship.
...............................
|
