A
female
age
36-40,
*ola16182
writes:I don't know what to do about my boyfriend. We've been together well over a year, but in the last 4 months things are different. I have written here before about how he started changing and is almost kindof emotionally abusive (name calling), and how he playfully poked and hit at me. He now has a pinching obsession and he thinks its cute to pinch my breasts but it really hurts but he never stops even when I say. Then he wonders why every time he goes to touch me I cringe. He acts fine when we are out in public though or with other people.I have a condition that makes sex painful so he then takes it as offensive when it is difficult for me and believes that it's just because "I don't love him".In the past month we have had 3 nights where he gets all depressed and thinks we can't go on. He says he is too depressed about stress at school, his parents fighting at home, and our situation. He says he doesn't know if he could make the commitment one day to get married even though we had talked about it before. He then started saying things that weren't true just so that I might leave (ie. he doesn't want kids, which isn't true because he does). He just says he doesn't know what he wants anymore and then I start crying and when I do that he feels bad and says he will stay because he promised never to leave me. The way he acts sometimes I don't like and don't understand...like how he makes fun of me and puts me down, or how he painfully pinches and pokes me. I've been told to leave this situation and I know I probably should as I don't want a life of putdowns and abuse, but at the same time I don't think I could live without him. Even though we haven't been together the whole time, he has been my life and love for the past 2 and 1/2 years. I have anxiety/depression issues in that one time we broke up I spent the next 4 months with extreme depression in that I pretty much just shut down and didn't want to live. I am afraid I might end up like that again if we breakup. He is my first and only boyfriend I've ever had (I'm 20y. old and he is 25) so I don't know what it is like to get over someone or move on. Even thought of this of losing him makes me cry just because he is my everything.My basic question is what should I do? If the next time he brings up that he can't handle this and that we should end it, should I just let it be? It would hurt me so much and I don't know where I would go from there. Everything I have reminds me of him because he pretty much lives with me and I'm just scared of what I would do if he left again. I'm not strong enough to handle it...but at the same time I don't want a life of emotional abuse. I think that's why I don't feel confident because I have pretty much no self esteem. I don't think I would be good enough for anyone else, and I don't think I could ever get over him. I don't think I could ever love again...can someone please help me, I am so confused...
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breasts, broke up, depressed, emotionally abusive, move on, puts me down, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lola16182 +, writes (3 February 2009):
lola16182 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to thank all 3 of you that have replied so quickly with excellent advice. I know it's what I need to do...I just have to come up with the strength to actually do it.A few extra details I thought I'd add were that there is a string holding me back from doing it now. A month ago he needed money for school so I lent it to him. He still owes me a lot of money that I am going to need this fall for my own schooling. I have no proof that I lent it to him so if I kiss him goodbye now I kiss goodbye my schooling, which might I add we are in the same university program so I will still have to see him.Other thing is that I know that he will move on and I don't know how I will take it if I see him with another girl. The one time he broke up with me he started dating someone 1 week later and it killed me. We are in a female dominated program and I see the way lots of his girl "friends" look at him. They want him and I know that the second he became single they would be after him. It would just make it really hard to see someone I love with another girl that was supposed to be me. People think he is just a wonderful person, so nice and polite which he is with other people. But it's just his home life they don't see...and even though I hate what he does, I just don't want to see him with somebody else.And another thing is the guilt trip. I really do think he is depressed, and he says if he didn't have me he'd probably just move far away or kill himself. He refuses to go for help. And due to some school issues, in 1 year from now he will be getting kicked out of his house by his parents and have nowhere to go for the last year of his schooling, I always said he could stay with me, but if he's not with me I just think it would be sad to see him not finish school because he couldn't afford it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): Someone has to be strong, let it be you.Think about it, if he is like this now and living with his parents, imagine how stressed he will be when he is living on his own as an adult and has all the stresses of paying bills. Sometimes, i do believe, that people are put in our life to teach us lessons. Your lesson may be to figure out what you will an WILL NOT put up with. His lesson may have to be if I am RUDE and MEAN to my girlfriend, she will eventually dump me. Then stick up for yourself. There are a lot of other fish in the sea.Life may be actually happier without him...ever think of that?I know you are afraid of being depressed again, but that will pass with time. Find your strength...it feels good.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (3 February 2009):
You are scared of being alone as you are so used to having him around. You've been more scared of being alone that you have been miserable with him.
But let me tell you, once you are rid of this guy you will feel SO MUCH happier, it will feel like a weight has been lifted off you. No more pain, no more stress, no more being put down and made to feel miserable.
And then in a while when you get your confidence back and figure out who you are when you are not being his crutch in life, then you'll meet a guy who will not have to put you in your place for fear of you running off, who will never hurt you and who will make you feel GOOD.
Don't wait for his next depressive episode. Tell him that you are not happy and you want to split up. He'll shout and scream and plead and then when that doesn't work he'll get nasty but you need to be strong.
Trust me, you'll feel so much better when you don't have to take this from him any more.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Auntie Stoned  +, writes (3 February 2009):
This man has a problem but he chose to take it out on you. Do you want to be married to a man who thinks that it's fun to emotionally and physically abuse you? Your low self esteem is a clear evidence of how the abuses affect you. Leave him now. It's not worth loving that kind of man. You deserve better.
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