A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi, my parents are strict muslims and are against the idea of having a boyfriend. ive had a boyfriend for 4 years now, and i love him a lot. i cant break up with him. My dad cares about me and has done a lot for me so he doesnt force me like other muslim parents like sending me back home to pakistan by force or getting me married off. Hes kind of got the impression that i have a boyfriend and is very hurt by it. i dont want to break up with my boyfrind cos i love him a lot and cant bear life without him, but i also dont want to hurt my dad. what do i do??xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): Yes, Its not the right way of marriage. And I'm also in the severe situation and I'm a muslim guy and whom I love she is also a muslim and we both are belongs to Pathan's. I had send my mother to her home for my marriage talk and my mother has gone there and she talk to the mother of her in the other manner that she has not know the girl and not tell anything about my LOVE. My mother say that the girl is so good and she is agree for my marriage to that girl. But when the mother has come in my home to see me than she said that boy is so young and that point of view she has not agree and now see any other boy. And she agree with other person and she select with him. But I'm refuses what should I do in my family all the members of my family face this situation and want this marriage. But in the other home there is not allowed the LOVE MARRIAGE so I afraid that there is no one know that thing so that's why I want the marriage in the arrange manner. But that side her mother had decided and final the decision to marriage her with that other guy. So I'm in the situation what should I do and she is not want to marry that guy she is in very pressure from her family and her family members did not know the girl opinion the father and the mother only decide it and don't interupt her in this so it's not the favaorable marriage what should I do please tell me. +91 8802919410, +91 9136434745, +91 9266643634 please tell me what sholu I do. I LOVE HIM A LOT.
A
male
reader, tenjeeuk +, writes (30 October 2010):
Speaking as a father, all this talk all being afraid of loosing a daughter is nonsesne - it's what girls from "good" families say when going astray to make themselves feel better about what they are doing. A father who cares for his family, his religion, wants his sons and daughters to conduct themselves in a manner in accordance with certain values. No father is afraid of loosing his daughter as such; parents want their children to demonstrate they are responsible, reliable, dependable and capable. I woukld urge all young women, not just asian/Muslims, to value their parents feelings over those of some young lout who is barely able to keep his pants from falling to the ground and whose only interest is in notching up his personal tally.
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A
female
reader, confused kuri +, writes (27 April 2010):
hiya, stumbled upon your problem when i searched for muslim. anyways... its alright to have a bf if you dont do nothing serious for instance sex.
judging from what you wrote i can relate to your problem about caste and whether your family will accept your bf or not. i sympathise with you. however there comes a time in a father life where he has to let go of his daughter and have another guy look after her. if your bf sincerely loves and cares for you and im guessing he does, then he will wait no matter how long it takes.
your father is scared of losing you, every father is, even my father is of losing me. right now your dad is the man to look after and care for you, you need to let him know that by explaining to him that you wont be his young girl always. explain to him how 1 day you'll become someones wife, someones daughter in law, someones mother perhaps grand mother lol.
coming back to the caste:
i've found a list of caste that i know:
- Jatt: Landowners; they add with their first name the name of "Chaudry", "Shima", (it is not systematic). One finds this same caste at Sikhs.
- Rajput: Princes, but landowners in great majority.
- Arian: The oral tradition said that they are descendants of the army of Ibn Qasim, whose troops had been created in Perse. They are originating in Perse and became with time landowners. One finds this caste only in Panjab. They add with their first name the name of "Chaudry", "Mian", "Mair", sometimes "Khan."
- Shaikhs: Tradesmen, they are downward Arabic; they add with their first name the name of "Malik."
- Sayed: Monk, their work also consists in making amulets, they are downward of the family of the Mohammad Prophet.
- Kashmiri: Of origin of Kashmir, they form a caste in Panjab, make various trades as tradesmen, butchers, foremen... They add with their first name the name of "Goal."
- Kakayzai: Tradesmen. They add with their first name of name of "Malik."
- Qazi: The oral tradition said that they would go down from the Afghan soldiers. They would have since the beginning exerted the function of monk. Currently it is a caste land great landowners; it is very largely represented in the administration and the bureaucracy. They add with their first name the name of "Qureshi".
- Pathan: Descendants of pathans, they form a caste in Panjab, they make various trades as civils servant, tradesmen...
- Gujar: Herdsmen, and often landowners.
The "small castes" is as follows:
- Tarhan: Carpenters.
- Qamyar: Potters.
- Lowar: Will forge.
- Kassaï: Butchers.
- Mirassi: Travelling musicians, troubadours.
- Mautchi: Shoe-makers.
- Tobi: Launderers.
- Darzi: Dressmakers.
- Jalaye: Tisserands.
- Lahari: Dyers.
- Mashqi: Water carriers.
- Teli: Oilcans.
- Balwalai: Messengers.
- Naï: Hairdressers; they are also able to make small operations, they circoncisent the new born ones and are cooks during the festivals and the marriages...
- Fakir: They are nourished by people of the districts where they live, in exchange of all kinds of odd jobs (to wash the crockery, to prepare the narghile...).
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A
female
reader, hira786 +, writes (3 January 2010):
in islam you really shouldnt have a boyfriend
but people think that boyfriends and girlfriends do dirty things together, but like other muslim people the have a guy as friend they dont do dirty things they hang around have a luagh like friends do.
you should not spend that much time around this guy you should call him your friend. your parents should mean so much to you alot more than a boyfriend does.
i hope my advise helps you!!!1
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim doing a law course, and i dont think id be able to do that by 21
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A
male
reader, unclezak +, writes (22 April 2009):
depends how big the caste issue is to your family and whether it's more a cultural thing they dislike or whether it's religious. Culture can at times be a lot more hassle than religion as you can't convert to a caste. :-)
6 yrs is quite some time though. Perhaps if you keep your head down with your studies you would've graduated by 21 and they might be a bit more willing. In the meanwhile, do keep your religion in mind if it's important to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm 17 (almost 18 in aug) and they want me to get married around 24. I dont think they would approve of him, even though he is a muslim there are still a lot of divisions. Hes lower class then our cast and i always hear my parents gossiping about their cast
xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009):
I'm from a v v religious muslim family and fell for a non Muslim at college. Fortunately, she read tonnes of literature and then decided to become a muslim and we have now been married near 6 yrs.
They weren't at all happy to begin with, but it was oj in the end. You didn't mention how old you are/ how long before you can get married.
Also, is he somebody who your parents would be happy with when he asks for your hand?
Salaam
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy boyfriend is Muslim aswell, its just its seen as a bad thing to have a boyfriend all together, and im "too young" to top it off. it would seem better to them when i finish university because i would have reached an age to get married anyway.
xx
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (19 April 2009):
 Perhaps you can start introducing your b/f to your dad in a neutral place, like a coffee shop or a nice cozy deli. It sounds like your dad is quite open and pragmatic anyways, so he may be your first ally to help you introduce your boyfriend to the whole family.
Your parents are only looking out for you. University will keep you so busy you will hardly feel the 3-4 years you're in there!
In the meantime, perhaps you and your boyfriend could also find a group where inter-faith or pluralism topics are discussed. That way, if your parents insisted on you marrying a Muslim boy, at least your b/f will be able to make an informed decision should he decided to convert. And you, can probably discuss new ideas with your dad to help him accept your b/f as he is now.
Good luck, and enjoy your young love.
Cat
PS. Have you seen the movie "East is East"? It's a good educational movie about cross cultural issues in Pakistani families in the UK.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 April 2009):
I think you just have to take a deep breath and tell them "I think I have found the boy I want to marry after university."
They may not like the idea of you having a boyfriend but I am sure they know the best marriages are based on mutual respect and friendship... so I do not see them having a problem with you being friends and falling in love as long as you know that nothing more than holding hands can happen till after uni.
(It's up to you whether you do more and don't tell them as long as you are careful and use protection etc.)
They want you to find a good boy to marry who can support you and help you do well in life, so if you have found someone early on who will wait for you and help you study etc, then they will be even more happy to give their blessing when the time for marriage does come.
As long as you carry on respecting their rules and them and yourself, then I don't see any reason why they can't be happy for you to have found a "friend" who loves you and who you love back!
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): I am not muslim so cannot comment on the religious and family aspect of your post however I think perhaps from any point of view or in any circumstance it might be one idea for your Dad to meet your boyfriend independently of your secret relationship. For example could he meet him as a friend or within your community? Could your father get to know your boyfriend and learn to like and respect him so that he is happy for your relationship when, in time, you feel more confident to tell him? You are clearly in a very difficult position but I do wonder if there is some half-way point to demonstrate to your Dad that you love and respect his view yet not lose your boyfriend in the meantime.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey, i am allowed to choose who i want to get married to like i dont have to have a arranged marriage and stuff but they say i can only choose someone when im "old enough" which is when i've finished university!
i know that it probably wont be as bad as i think but i just dont have the courage to tell them
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