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female
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*utetote
writes: Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. Wwe have 2 children. The last 2 months every time we are going to have sex he puts on a porn film and I don't understand why. Becouse he gets hard when he kisses me.This is really making me feel down, as the porn he watches is teens and I'm only 24, size 8. Please help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2005): if all else fails, see a sex therapist. lots of couples have problems like this, and sex therapists are trained to help you figure out why, and what to do about it.
and they always say, and are uasually right: "if it's not important to him to fix the relationship, the realtionship is not important enough."
A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (14 November 2005):
 Porn in and of itself should not threaten you per say. If you enjoyed how- he got so hot that he made you feel better, then it would be great. The problem is that suddenly he needs it and that is different and somewhat degrading.
You will know if he is like the the guy above who used it because, he no longer was into his girl, or if his scenario is true for you, if when you try to talk about compromise and he won't or can't do so. Tell him it is a well known fact that since women need to have mental calm and need to be made to feel sexy, in order to really enjoy sex to its fullest, could he hide the porn say every other time and that way you could take turns having the session be about each of you equally.
If he can't, a deeper problem is at the root. For one thing he would not be very compromising, fair and caring about your experience in bed and is selfish to boot.
Perhaps it is the six year itch and know that attraction comes and goes based on many things but usually centered on you not the other person. Attraction goes away from time to time. (If you are honest, you already know first hand what I am saying.). So long as he is still in bed with you, you can perk things up in a new way. Perhaps you get some new flicks that are geared towards women (Apparently there are some newer, very romantic, and made for female movies being made.) Or maybe you get some instructional videos that are meant to spark up your sex life and put real passion and intimacy back into the bedroom.
Or maybe you have to think about therapy for you two and you buy a vibrator. Ohh I just thought of a good alternative for you if he can't perform with out the cinema in the background. Buy a big penis shaped vibrator (making a point) or a latex penis enhancer and say that since he will be distracted by other women, you will now need to be distracted as well.
With good humor you never know. Who knows. But the real point is that only your boyfriend can tell you the truth here.
Finally, increase your awareness of what real love relationships look like. There are hundreds of ways to come together and you two need to find what works for you.
A quick story that helps me keep it all in perspective:
When I was about 14, I was at a family friends house to stay the night. My friend and I walked in on her dad watching soft core porn ( or Rated R-Sex in the City-core now but for the late 70's soft core porn- Showtime Channel’s women exercising close up and I mean very close up. They were fully clothed and actually looked like they were in a class working out. Very provocative at the time... Like bare ankles in the middle east.....) We were totally shocked since his marriage was about the best I (even now) have ever seen.
Anyway, We ran from the room and directly into her mom on the way out. We actually tried to shield her from finding out the wicked truth of what he was up to. She just laughed. What she said next was about the coolest thing I have ever heard. She said "Oh God, give me a break. Why should I care? When he wants the real thing he knows where I am at. Besides let him dream. A man has gotta dream!" She was so secure and unbothered I remember thinking that I wanted to be as easy to live with as her one day and maybe that is what their secret was.. (Now 20 or I mean 10 years later I know that he is a horn dog and that sweet horn dog loves his wife (size ? Lets just say about 120 lbs larger than when they met.) It is the spice that makes watching them grow old together so funny. He currently wants to buy a sex swing because, since he is almost 70 now, his back isn’t what it used to be and he needs traction. Very funny guy.)
I guess what I am trying to say is that we should all try to not second guess our man’s reasoning and give them the benefit of the doubt. We probably guess wrong anyway. We are not manly thinkers and he doesn't think like a woman and that is a good thing, right?. Good ole communication is required to really know. If you remain calm and even try to keep in mind a time when you were not so attracted to him or did something you did not want him to know, force yourself to remember that if you do talk deeply to try to keep in ming you feel that way too. Instead of focusing on what is wrong with you and why he wants other women, remember that this is something literally wrong with him. He might need you to understand this and he probably still loves you since you did not mention other worries. Problems happen but with the proper attitude (one that lets him off the hook for being human),things can work out beautifully. Overreaction or judgemental tones will push him away. Understanding and compromise has a chance to bring you closer together.
Next time you see him watching ask him how the harem is doing. Sarcastically ask “Did you get some today?” and then say with a smile- “You wish! When you want a real woman you know where to find me.” then do your best sexy walk out of the room. Add a wet (blown) finger slowly pulled from your mouth then dramatically swept down to the butt (tsssss) and then confidently slink away. After all, there is nothing wrong with you. You are just older and wiser since you met and probably have a few new skills too.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): Isn't that kind of porn illegal?!?!?! If he is looking at teens, I would consider that a little disturbing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): Some men (eg me) are aroused by things that they dont want someone as important as their wife doing. So put that into the mix... maybe this is a part of his compromise.
Some couples try to make a overt agreement that their roles in the bedroom are distinct from their roles in real life. That may or may not work for you. Or you could make a agreement that in when you are away for a weekend at a hotel that things 'dont count' and neither person should think negatively about anything the other person does, says or asks for.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): next time you have sex go down on him, and stick your finger in his ass. sounds crazy, but he will love it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): i have been here before...not in yourposition, but you boyfriends position. I did it because i was no longer attracted to my girl.
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (14 November 2005):
i'm 25 and my bf of 2yrs does this to me so i know how much it must hurt. you need to tell him if he wants you, he only wants you and shouldn't need anyone else. if he wants more excitement in the bedroom tell him you can work on that with each other. i may be cynical bit my perception of porn is that it can not do a relationship any good because it is in the same category as cheating. having sexual thoughts about someone other than your partner when you are in a relationship is totally wrong and it hurts.
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A
female
reader, wishes +, writes (14 November 2005):
 Maybe hes just saying that he wants to experiment more, or do different things- there is a chance he might be getting bored with the same old same old. I would recommend that you initiate it. Buy some sexy lingerae, or light some candles, anything to say that you want some! And dont give him a chance to turn the telly on. Afterwards (when its completely over) maybe just tell him that you really liked it better when you werent both turned on by porn, and maybe tell him how it makes you feel when he does use it. Dont attack him, or make him feel as though hes done something wrong. He is still attracted to you, and as hard as it seems you have to try not to take it personally. Maybe you could make some of your own porn! Photos, video... Anything! Best wishesx
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