A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met what seemed to be a really genuine guy on an online dating site. We spoke everyday for a week and arranged to meet. We had a fabulous first date and both agreed we clicked. We met up the next day and he came to my home and spent the night with me. We didnt have sex as i didnt feel ready and thought it was too soon. He was fine with this. We then spoke the next 2 days and he came to see me again on the following night. We both felt so comfortable that we ended up having sex. I got quite emotional and he asked me to confide in him as to why,so i shared some of my inner demons with him. He promised it was ok and that he'd be there for me. He left that morning and dumped me on the same night saying he wasnt ready for a relationship. I met him the following day to talk and he kissed me and held me and said sorry. I dont understand and want to text him. Can i text and what do i say. i know it was a short period of time that i knew him but it hurts so much. help me please
View related questions:
period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): After reading your most recent update I would like to add please don't punish yourself; as I said earlier (1st female anon) it's not your fault, most women go through this the hard way, although you should seek help for your sexual assualt, as that must be hard to deal with and sometimes we are so involved with our emotions we just don't know how to deal with things like that and a therapist can help you deal with thia and make you feel much better in yourself. You must be a wonderful lady in so many ways and it shows as this man is still an active friend in your life. Please, feed yourself & take care of yourself.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 August 2012):
 You absolutely need some professional advice, as soon as possible. Sexual assault will stay with you for a very long time and is incredibly difficult to get over, so seeing a therapist and a doctor will be hugely beneficial for you.
You should not be punishing yourself over this, none of this was your fault and what you did with this guy hundreds of thousands of other girls have done the exact same thing. What will help you is seeing a professional so you can learn how to not punish yourself when something bad happens in your life, and how you can put your past behind you and move forward in life.
And please, if you are not eating and are unable to do so within the next few hours then please see a doctor, not eating for 4 days is incredibly dangerous and you are putting your health at risk here. If you still are unable to eat soon, book an emergency appointment at the doctors and get some help.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 August 2012):
 From you most recent follow up it's clear that you need some professional help with a good therapist to work through the feelings you have.
Sexual Assault is horrible and it stays with you for a long time, working it through with the guidance of a good therapist is not a sign of weakness, in fact, to me it's just the opposite... a sign of strength that you wish to heal.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI spoke and saw him yesterday and its good because we are friends which is alot easier to deal with.He kissed me and hugged me and we talked. He thinks i need sex therapy....Why do i feel so dirty and disgusted with myself when i have sex. I love been held and kissed and touched but as soon as penetration happens it makes me cry. I was sexually assaulted years ago, have had a series of one night stands and have being mixed up in affairs with married men. I havent been near a man for at least a year At the moment i feel like im self destructing inside, i havent eaten for 4 days its like im punishing myself for been stupid, for being so dirty and damaged. I dont understand why i cant relax, enjoy sex like a normal person would. I crave for a normal sex life with someone but im always scared of disappointing them, not been wild enough, doing something wrong. I didnt disclose all the above to him before you thinking OMG! I need some advice
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (20 August 2012):
 K_c 100 has perfect advice. It was too soon for sex and far too soon for sharing so much emotional baggage. It just scared him off. There's no making a relationship with this guy so you need to move on. As hard as it is do not text him, you will only come off as desperate. Get back out there and follow the other posters rules on dating. Wait a good while, until you are both committed and in a loving relationship, before unloading all of your emotions and having sex. I'm sorry this happened to you but we all make dating mistakes and learn from them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): I have to disagree with k_c100. I don't think there are any rules regarding dating. You have to respect yourself in all relationship. If you both wanted to have sex, have sex, he didn't leave you because of that he left you because he is not a nice guy. A nice guy won't leave you because you had sex on the third date (hell, he won't even leave if you have sex on the first date). If you had waited, he might have stayed a little longer but at least you now eliminated another jerk from your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): I know what you're going through, and I know that you'll probably blame yourself for having sex too soon after these answers, I would just like to say though that it's not your fault and having sex comes at different points for everyone, I had sex on a first date and have now been with that man for 3 years, it's rare that that'll happen to most women though, the thing is when you do have sex early on you give off the impression that you just want sex and it's true that men are more likely to take you as relationship material if you wait, but don't beat yourself up about it, almost every woman has been there, it's a lesson most of us have to learn the hard way. I dont believe in playing hard to get, but I do believe in waiting until you really know someone and know what this person intends to do with you in their life before revealing inner demons :)
...............................
A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (20 August 2012):
 I agree wholeheartedly with k_c100. Her advice was dead-on. I have made the mistake of sleeping with guys too soon, and it has never worked out in my favor. I recommend the "90 day rule", which I kind of made up, but then saw in that movie, "Think Like a Man". Do not do anything sexual in the first 60 days of dating. It's just a number, but when you set yourself to this standard, it helps you stop and think before giving up too much too soon. (It worked wonders for me- I did the 90 day rule and my boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year now). Kissing is ok, but there is no reason a man should be in your pants within 3 months. If he is interested in you and wants a relationship with you, he will have no problem waiting. This way, you will weed out all the jerks who only want sex, and you maintain your pride, integrity, and self-respect in the process.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): I too am going to say he only wanted sex.
You only have to think back to how keen he was to come back the next night after the sexless night he spent with you, and then the next day after having sex he walked!
I'm sorry this has happened hun I too have had a very similar experience just a few months ago, (yes I got used for sex by a girl who told me she wanted a relationship etc lol), but you do get over it in time.
I wouldn't bother texting him because he may only ignore you, or you may get emotional and wound up and say something you're going to regret, and he too may say nasty things to you if he gets wound up, which will only make you feel worse :/
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 August 2012):
What everyone else said.
so not fair but so true.
he only wanted sex
and telling him all your demons just meant he just wanted sex
next time... hold back no matter how horny you are dear one.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 Two reasons: 1.) you met him online..duhhh? we all seem like nice guys over the pgone or in an email. 2) you had sex within the first two weeks...duhhh? he was a creep get over it but learn from it and think more highly of yourself
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 August 2012):
There are 2 reasons why he dumped you:
1. He was only ever interested in sex, so when you slept with him on the 3rd date he got what he wanted, hence why he dumped you the next day
2. You revealed your inner demons far too early in the relationship and scared him off. When he said he wasnt ready for a relationship, he meant he isnt ready for a relationship with you because you have too much baggage for his liking.
What should you learn from this?
1. DO NOT SLEEP WITH MEN SO SOON!!! I know it might 'feel right', you might be really attracted to him, having a great time....whatever. The golden rule is NEVER EVER sleep with a guy after a couple of dates no matter how much you want to. In order for him to take you seriously as potential girlfriend material you need to make him wait, and I mean weeks of waiting, maybe even 1-2 months! You gave yourself away far too easily, took away the chase for him and he got what he wanted quickly and easily. Men like a challenge and they like the chase, so you need to learn to control yourself and make him wait until you are 100% that he really cares about you before you jump into bed together.
2. DO NOT REVEAL TOO MANY EMOTIONS TOO EARLY. Men are scared of crying women, they dont like it and they dont feel comfortable. They will say whatever they can to get you to stop crying and get them out of the situation, hence why he said to you he would be there for you. He did not mean that AT ALL, he knew he had to say something to comfort you and that was what came out. Men dont want needy emotional women as their girlfriend's, it is very unsexy and offputting. By sharing these 'demons' so soon with him you made him run a mile.
What a guy wants is a bit of mystery when they first date a woman, she needs to be a little bit 'hard to get', playful, fun and overall a happy person.
What a guy doesnt want is a girl who jumps into bed with him on the 3rd date making it all too easy then crying on him after sex and offloading her emotional baggage on him. It is fine to open up emotionally to your boyfriend when you have been with him a few months and you are both in love with each other and deeply care about each other, but after 3 dates you are still getting to know each other and things should not be getting serious yet.
There is no way this guy will ever see you as girlfriend material now, so the best thing you can do is write this off as a bad experience and learn your lessons from it. Dont text him, delete his number and accept that it is over. Yes it hurts, and I'm sorry this has happened - but you have learnt some valuable lessons and hopefully with the next guy you meet you wont make the same mistakes again.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Piu Banerjee  +, writes (20 August 2012):
It can't be love. This is not the right guy for you. He just wants to have sex with you, simple. You are very sensitive, but you have to deal with this. prepare your mind. don't text him. You have to be strong. Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (20 August 2012):
 You've rushed into things waaaaay too quickly here! Telling him all your demons on your 3rd meeting was too much too soon for both of you, as was the sex! Take a big step back and get to know this guy one step at a time.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (20 August 2012):
 No disrespect to you, but what do you respect after meeting a guy online and only having met him in person for 3 or 4 days? You can't "fall in love" with someone online. You don't know anything about the person. I am sorry to say that he got what he wanted and you probably won't see him again...unless he wants more sex, of course.
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (20 August 2012):
 If he dumped you the following night following sex, he has made his intentions clear.
You will only hurt yourself in the long run if you text him and continue.
Its best to respect his decision , however hard it is, and move on.
...............................
|
