A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiDoes anyone have any advice please on emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable people?I am certain that my man is one of these people. We have known each other for 18 years (we met when we were 18 and are now 36) and during that time we have developed what I think is quite an unusual relationship. Basically, for the first 15 years we would bump into each other on a night out, he would walk me home, we would kiss goodbye and sometimes he would call me after to arrange a date etc…but quite often I would already be in a relationship and hence we never quite got it together. This cycle continued for years and years and years.The there were two years where I did not see him. He later told me this was when he was in a long-distance relationship and spent each weekend at her place. This is the first I have known him to have a “serious” relationship in the years we have known each other. I know he has had a few girlfriends but they never seemed to stick around for long.In the past year we have both been single. We live close to one another and often see each other socially, usually in a group but sometimes going out together. It didn’t take long before we made the decision to sleep together. This has happened a few times over the course of about 8 months but each time it happens he apologises and says he is worried about getting into a relationship he is not ready for. He admits he has feelings for me and that he has had for years but he can not risk getting hurt again. I have accepted what he tells me at face value as his behaviour is definitely not that of a player and I can feel him trying to keep me at arms length but there are times when he lets his guard down and I get a glimpse of how it could be like.I know I would be a fool to wait for him to change and miss out on the opportunity of meeting someone that can give me a full relationship, but I feel that he is stuck in a rut and resigned to leading a lonely life when there is another option for him. I know that you are very lucky to meet someone to care about you so I don’t understand why he won’t grab the chance with me. Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated.
View related questions:
player Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): So basically you want to be the one to change him? That's really what you're saying. You say you want him to experience a relationship with someone else yet he's had relationships with others and has a pattern of not committing. I think you need to look at why you are attracted to men that won't give you what you need. Women that chase unavailable men usually end up very unhappy and regret the years they wasted. Whatever his deal is, it still puts you in a position of waiting and analysing and that's no position for a self respecting, confident woman to be in. Interesting that he says he doesn't want to get hurt yet he's the one dishing out all the pain to these women.
When we think we are going to be the exception to the rule is usually when we get burned the most. You can try talking to him but don't his actions, current and past, speak the loudest? He's going to tell you the same thing and that's how much he cares for you and how he doesn't want to get hurt and that he's not ready...which leads you where exactly? Back to strategizing how you will get him to change his mind?
Okay, so he's totally into you which means this is the best you're going to get from him. Men are on their best behavior when they are totally into someone. not to mention you are having sex with him so he's with someone he's all about and having sex with. He's been able to have serious relationships in the past yet not with you because although he's into you and having sex with you, he's....just not ready. How special does that make you feel?
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 March 2009):
 I read your update and I feel it makes it clear that you have to ask him what is on his mind. I have the feeling that he likes to have relationships this way. Since that is not what you want, then you have to ask him to make his mind up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi allThank you very much for your answers.I just want to shed a bit more light as I believe this is a pattern of behaviour for him not just a case of him "not being that into me". His longest relationship was for two years and this was long-distance. The relationship ended because his girlfriend gave him a 3-month ultimatum to move in with her or it was over. He chose not to move in with her despite the fact that he loved her very much. I imagine to give such an ultimatum she must ahve felt very frustrated with his lack of willingness to make a commitment despite his feelings for her. He has lived alone for 8 years and I suspect that he felt unable to make the change and take the risk and now I suspect that he feels this way about future relationships too. I agree with bowsandcherries he would rather "keep me" even if that means only friendship than to risk loosing me by starting a relationship that there are no guarantees would work out. I almost feel as though I would like him to experience a relationship with someone else so that we are nearer the same page in terms of our emotional "maturity" beofre we can get together. This is going to hurt but I truly believe he needs more experience of relationships, what concerns me is that he's not open to this with anybody! Ps.Regarding why we didn't get together a long time ago, until a year ago I was in a 15 year relationship and believe me he did try to woo me away and before then we were simply teenagers who did not even consider anything more serious other than having fun.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): If in the 18 yrs he's known you and not grabbed you up, as you say, he's not going to now or in the future. This isn't a 20yr old that is unsure about his direction in life or afraid to commit because he wants to take some risks before he hits 30. At your age, you can't really afford to waste time on guys that aren't available to you and spend energy trying to change how they feel if you want marriage or a commitment. Honestly, he probably decided that you weren't the one for him 18 years ago. You can make whatever excuses for him you want why you didn't get together with him in those years but the end result is the same. He may be attracted to you physically and any single guy will take the opportunity to have sex with no strings attached to someone they find attractive and can relate to but it doesn't mean more than that.Most guys aren't going to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth and often just give you the ambiguous "I don't want to get hurt" or "I'm not ready" instead of saying "Hey, you just don't rock my world" or "I would really prefer someone 25". He probably wants the same thing you do and that's why you see glimpses of some emotional availability but he apologizes because he knows he doesn't want that with you. He probably does have feelings for you but not the kind that will make anything materialize and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can move on and find someone that sees you in that light. You say that you accept what he tells you at face value, but you haven't. This relationship is not unusual, it's a typical fwb where the female gets more attached and reads more into it than what's really there.
...............................
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (23 March 2009):
 maybe he is too afraid to get into a relationship with you because he is worried that if you guys do get together in a relationship then things go wrong and you don't like him for whatever reason maybe he has changed or vice versa the he is worried that he will have lost you totally forever.
maybe talk to him about his fear because as you say you cannot wait around forever and he can't go around forever being scared of getting serious with anyone without getting hurt because it's a process you get with someone get hurt and you learn from it you make it make you that much more of a stronger person!
but yeah don't wait around forever it's not healthy for you or him,
i hope things work out for you hun,
please don't hesitate to message me if you need anymore advice or help
best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): As odd as this seems, and you say he's not the player type, you both could be made for each other. Because you keep going back to each other. So, if I were you, I wouldn't give him my body, just my time to let feelings grow deeper. It's your little secret (experiment), and takes the pressure off him of a 'Real Relationship' He's got some fears, and only your time and patience can ease them, and hopefully, ONE DAY he will look at you different and take the plunge. I don't mean to put your life on hold- keep your life full of interest-, but if he's worth it to you, he's worth your time...until you feel it's time to let go.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 March 2009):
It seems he's telling you the truth: he obviously has feelings for you but isn't sure he should have a relationship. That might be because he is happy with his life as it is. Maybe he's used to living on his own and now finds it difficult to have someone by his side all the time.
However, you're right about not waiting for him forever. I think this situation can have four possible outcomes: you don't put pressure, and in the end he leaves you; you don't put pressure, and he comes to you; you put pressure, and he leaves you; you put pressure, and he makes the move to be with you. It seems you have as many chances of being with him as those of losing him, but we know that we humans don't act like this, and his hesitancy makes it likely that in the end you won't be together.
So I think you could ask him whether he will become more involved with you or not. Try to do it in a way he won't feel pressured to say yes. Then, instead of just waiting for something to happen, you will make it happen and be in control of your life. If he goes away, well, you will be free to find someone else.
I wish you the best.
...............................
|
