A
female
age
30-35,
*oftballplaya
writes:heyy everyone=]I'm in a little bit of confusion and need some help.Okay so me and my boyfriend were talking on the phone last night and somehow we got into the subject about my past and what I've done. He's always called me "miss innocent" and now that he asked for the truth he said he was shocked and dissappointed in me. I don't understand how he can be since this all happened in my past, before I even started talking to him, so why does he have reason to be dissappointed. To me he's always in competition with me. Like no matter what i say hes been there, done that, and it was worse. So why am i the one thats getting looked at differently. It wasnt something i wanted to share because im not proud of it. What it was was i was with a guy for about 3 weeks and he asked me to do stuff, stupid thing is i actually wanted to. I didnt tho and yet hes dissappointed at me. I dont understand! there is no reason for him to be right??I mean he really loves me and we been together happy for 3 months so its not like im in a bad relationship or anything. Butwould other guys get mad at their girlfriends for stupid events that happened in their past??please help me outthank you Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Men are programmed by nature to care a lot about this issue. Evolution. Girls/women with less sexual history generally have less sexually transmitted diseases, less likelyhood of having other men's children along for the ride to care for, and they are less likely to still have romantic/emotional attachment to previous men (which could raise the temptations of cheating with exes), etc.
So now men are just built this way as a whole. They cannot help feeling this way. They do not choose to feel these feelings and most men would give anything to be able to stop having them if they could.
But it's not up to the men to decide to stop having these feelings. It has nothing to do with making anyone (men OR women) happier in life. It's just nature's cruel little way of making sure men seek out women who might bear them more & healthier children.
A
female
reader, softballplaya +, writes (20 March 2008):
softballplaya is verified as being by the original poster of the question its just that hes really protective of me and thinks im going to go back to the guy i had this "past" with. no matter how hard i try to explain that it wont happen he wont take my word for it because he never thought i did some of the things i have done either. its frustrating to me. hes dont things too but wont tell me for fear of messing our relationship up, yet im honest and trusting of him and look at what happens!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 You don't explain exactly what you did or didn't do, so it's hard to be specific.
However, what you describe is very common. It comes up on this site all the time in various different forms. I'll try to give you a few (hopefully constructive) comments:
- The fact that something happened 'in the past' doesn't make it meaningless or irrelevant. We judge someone's character by their actions, and their actions are, by definition, 'in their past'. For example: if you found out that your boyfriend had raped someone, you'd have a big problem with him. The fact that it was 'in the past' makes no difference. Understand that anything and everything we've done is in the past automatically... to say the past doesn't mean anything is to say that nothing means anything. ie, clearly nonsense.
- Men are naturally competitive with each other. Any boyfriend you have will to some degree compare himself with your previous boyfriends and lovers. He will want to be 'better than them'. Some guys (the more mature or secure ones) internalize this, accept it, and get past it with no issues. Others have problems with it and it can become an issue in your relationship. Given that what's going on is a comparison, the more other men you've been with, or the more extreme the things you've done with them, the more likely it is that there will be problems, since there's more stuff for your guy to compare himself with. That's why plenty of guys don't want a girlfriend who has slept with a lot of guys (well, they'll happily have sex with girls like that, but rarely commit to a relationship, especially a 'serious' one).
- Men and women are psychologically different with this. Yes women can have problems dealing with the exes of their partners, but it's a different set of emotions and different behavior. The result is that, because its different for each sex, its difficult for us to communicate with each other and empathize in these situations. We simply can't understand what the other person is thinking, nor will we ever really be able to. To put it simply, he's experiencing a 'guy thing', and since you're not a guy you'll never be able to completely understand what he's feeling.
- Saying stuff like 'the past is the past' and 'the past made me who I am now' is true, but also meaningless. They are 'truisms' in other words. It doesn't help deal with the emotions. In fact, it's counter productive because in essence it is saying... 'your emotions about this are wrong, or misguided, and I'm diminishing them and saying you shouldn't have them'. It's important to understand that the way to handle emotions is to accept them and move past them, not to block or deny them. Emotions are never 'right' or 'wrong', they just 'are'. To say an emotion is 'wrong' is the same as saying 'you shouldn't be feeling that', and that is guaranteed to get exactly the wrong reaction from someone.
- It's not 'ok' for a bloke to have a past and a girl not. That is frequently accused in these situations, but it's rarely what's actually going on. If a guy is saying that it's ok for him and not for you then he's a hypocrite. However messy a situation, there is no excuse for having one set of rules for you and one for someone else.
- At the end of the day it is true there is nothing you can do to change your past. That makes this his issue, not yours. Only he can decide to 'let go of these issues' and move past it. If he can't do it then you should consider leaving him, especially if you feel he's being abusive towards you and trying to make you feel bad because of your past. Whatever you've done, he has no right to make you feel bad about it, and every responsibility as your boyfriend to love you and treat you with respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): We all have a past and he asked you to tell him and you did, so he needs to get over it and deal with it, or move on. Sorry, but it makes me mad at times that blokes think it is ok for them to have a chequered past and yet when us girls have a one, they get upset. Be firm and let him know that we all have a past and no way can you change yours, but be careful what you tell him in the future if he is going to react like this. OR, tell him and if he doesnt like it then be prepared to move on and get rid.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, red1982  +, writes (20 March 2008):
I think a lot blokes react like that to your past. I'm not sure why but every boyfriend I've had has reacted badly to anything you've done before them.
I think they like the idea that they are the first, only and best and any hint that they aren't gets them jealous!
At the end of the day it's his problem, not yours and don't let him make you feel guilty for your past. You can't change it, and it's got nothing to do with him. I always remind my husband that it's the past that's made me into the person I am now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Mainly because a person's past is all that we have to go off of. I know if I'd steered clear of a couple of girls with 'questionable' past activities, my life would have been so much better.
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A
female
reader, Emmy-Lou +, writes (20 March 2008):
 You'll be surprised to know that a lot of men do the same thing.The weird thing is they ask questions but they secretly don't want to know the answers.You need to explain to your boyfriend that your past is your past and that if he has an issue with it he has an issue with you. It sounds harsh I know but I will make him think twice about giving you a hard time over it.Hope this helps and good luck.
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