A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After debating this for a while, I sat down at my desk this morning and wrote this to my probably soon to be ex. Can anyone advise if this is the right way to go. I know email is not the way to go, but I'm tending to descend into floods of tears when I think about trying to say it to his face. I'm at my wits ends. Any advice appreciated. xxThis is one of the hardest emails I've ever written, possibly because I know that I may open a door I can't shut. At the same time, I can't carry on not knowing where I am with you. I can tell that you are no longer happy being with me, what I don't understand is why you won't end it with me. Keeping us going till you work out what you do want is not sparing my feelings. I have tried not to put any pressure on you since we got back, everything I have done was done with good intentions. It's hard to admit that we may not work out, when it all looked so promising at the beginning, but you can't force yourself to feel something for me that simply isn't there. I know it looks like I'm laying it all at your door, but it is you that's having the doubts. I felt really positive about us after the holiday, 2 weeks constantly being around someone is hard, but I felt that we managed it well and had a good time together. I really enjoyed your company. I don't regret being part of your life for the past year, splitting up is not the outcome I want. I will miss you terribly if that's what you decide, but I promise you I will respect your decision. I would like to talk it over face to face, but I will leave that up to you. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (17 April 2008):
 Normal. Called "keeping his options open". As soon as he has moved on it will fizzle.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot that i am in any way thinking of going back with him, and not that hes suggesting it anyway, but is it normal after you break up with someone for the following to happen?
emails every few days (from him)
texts about randon stuff (from him)
complaints from him that its always him that initiates contact,
a suggestion that we go on holiday next year?
what in the name of goodness is all that about. the last one in particular i find an unbelievable suggestion.
to be fair i dont mind him emailing me, i did suggest that his future girlfriends wouldnt be so keen on him keeping this level of contact with me, to which he replied, that would be their problem!! does he just have a lack of understanding of women you think?
anyway, aside from that im feeling 100 % better, getting on with my life, im really not pining for him, obviously i do miss the companionship, but im happy to be myself just now. I really did pick an odd ball with this one it would seem!!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 April 2008):
 End of one chapter in your life and the new dawn of another era.
When the love is gone, it is very hard to rekindle the sparks again.
You were not meant for each other.
Now that you have come to the end of this road , another journey begins.
Everything is new again ..have fun and be happy always!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFinal Update!! :)
It should come as no surprise to learn that we split up. After no contact following getting my head bitten off, i again went up to see him. Had a long chat, decided to call it a day. He apologised for letting me down in our relationship, but i reaffirmed that he'd let himself down, not me.
Friends and family have been great at keeping me busy. i do have loads of things to look forward to. I found out that i was successful in getting my first flat, strange how even then the one person i wanted to call was him (i didnt)
He did email me a week after the event, to see if i was ok, and ask if we could be friends. I think this is unlikely but i did politely reply saying maybe in time but now is far too soon. As much as i want him to be happy and see other folk, i dont need to be on the sidelines watching. Theres been a few texts from him about random stuff, all initiated by him. So far i havent seen him person, we live close to each other, so it probably will happen, im sure there wont be a scene when it does.
Im getting there slowly, still teary at times, its hard to let go after a year. We did have some good times, i did sit down and write a list of things i wasnt happy with, man, was it a long list. I see it as a learning process, i know what i will and wont put up it. Doesnt help im still strongly attracted to him physically but if its not there mentally its not. you cant force these things.
anyway, hopefully in a few months time, i'll bump into my perfect man! you never know.
thanks for reading.
XX
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (31 March 2008):
Life is like a fortune's wheel. It goes up and then down and will go up again. It is like the four seasons. Things cannot get any worse and will get better from now. Be more positive and stop thinking in a negative way. You will find someone who will love you and appreciate you. When one door closes another will open. Just watch out for those opportunities.If you love him, you have to set him free. If he does not come back, bless him and wish him well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI gave it another week, things got to an all time low, no phone calls, no texts, no nothing. I've never felt so low. I popped in to see him unexpectedly, got my head bitten off. I asked him if I should leave, he said yes (not a good sign there eh!!) I left, as I was leaving he asked me for a big hug, and said we would do something later in the weekend. When I got home I had an apology text waiting on me. I replied saying I knew he was going through a stressful time, he knew where I was if he wanted to talk. I was then told not to go in a bad mood!!! turn your strop onto me why don't you!!! I never saw or heard from him the rest of the weekend. Deciding I had had enough Ii again popped into see him out of the blue, we had a long chat and decided to call it quits. He apologised for letting me down in our relationship and stated he never sees himself settling down with anyone. (I've put him off women for life!!!). I retained a bit of dignity by not crying, told him the girl he was looking for did exist but it wasn't me, obviously. When I think about it, he said not one nice thing about me in return!!I've had a week to reflect, I'm running the emotions, upset, horribly lonely, rejected, a bit lost really. Family and friends have been great, keeping me busy, but even amongst them all, I feel like the loneliest person alive.I'm seeing things through rose tinted specs, I could write a list as long as my arm about things I wasnt happy with and I keep telling myself, it's the best outcome but I'm not truly believing it yet.I'm staying away from alcohol, trying to get out as much as possible, but it's so hard. I miss the companionship, the just having someone there, even when I know that towards the end he was only there when it suited him to be there.I've had no contact with him, or he with me. I'm wondering how long it will take for my thoughts to not revolve around him. Whether I will ever meet anyone special. I'm worried about spending my life alone, I don't think I could bear that. (Obviously this is not an attractive quality for future guys to pick up on.)So there we are, I'm trying to move on as best I can, but oh it's a sore one. thanks for reading.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (21 March 2008):
If you want a quick response to your problem, better to send
that mail because it will provoked him into actions.
That way you will know the results quickly and not let your
relationship be hanging in the air or in a timeless space.
If you do not close this relationship , it would be like a
cancerous wound and will hurt you everyday and cause you
unnecessary pains and hurts.
It would be better to dumped him than to be dumped.
If you are not satisfied, quickly deal with the problem and don't let it fester.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much for taking the time out to reply everyone. i really appreciate it. You're so right rhythm and blues2. i will take on board what youve said, be a little bit less available, i guess i was always ready to run when he asked. I think i need to rediscover what i like about myself, and if he doesn't like that, then its no loss, someone out there does exist who will appreciate me for who and what i am. ( i just need to find them!!!) I feel so much better in myself. Thanks so much.
xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): I wouldn't send him the email, and here is why, it takes your power away, you are waiting for him to chose you.
I think you have nothing to lose trying a different tactic if you really think you are about to be dumped, and I am not so sure that you are, your boyfriend is still hanging in there with you and telling these other girls that there is nothing left in your relationship, they sound more like friends, then dates....but what do I know.
I think you should try being less available to him, make some plans to go out with friends, and get more involved in things you like to do without him and do them, and when he calls you to go out, especially at the last minute say something like I can't go Tuesday, but how does Friday or Saturday sound? I am doing x, which I really love and am excited about.
You sound like you have let your relationship get stale and you are uninspired....be sure and always dress up for him even if it is for a night in front of the TV....keep your appearance good enough for the public in front of him, guys fall in love with their eyes,,,,darn....
Men don't commit because of words, or letters, or convincing or whining or acting insecure and rejected. They need to feel validated by you, they want to know they make you happy and even what it is you love about them, thank him for the little things he does for you, don't take them for granted. Instead of saying "we managed to get along for our 2 week holiday" leave that out and tell him what a great time you had, talk about the fun things you did and what you would like to do on holiday next time...and ask him what he thinks about it.
Have some fun, don't stress out about where your relationship is going, talk about what it means to be commited, tell him stories about other happy couples that you know, point out lonely people in a restaurant and say how hard it must be to be alone like that and how lucky you are to have him, those kinds of things.....
If he is saying there is nothing left to your relationship, he means that you don't love him and he can tell, in my opinion....but I am wondering if you do, and you just are having troubles letting him know, waiting for him to do all of the communicating, don't wait. When he is being quiet by your side, that is the time to start talking even if he just listens, tell him what you envision for your future together and then see what kind of dreams he tells you about and whether or not you are in them.
There does not seem to be a huge reason to throw in the towel here, a couple of text messages? You have tried and hung him without the jury.....be brave, go after what you want. If it isn't him, then you break up with him, don't wait for him to do it, and tell him face to face.
Your email just makes you look powerless and that is not what you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Hey Sweetie,After reading your message, and follow-up my advice would be to let it go. He's not making you happy, so why wait for him to break it off, especially if he has been texting other girls?He's not responding to your hints and questions about ending it, so I would not contact him again until he contacts you. If he asks what is wrong and simply say that you're not happy and tell him that if he can't meet you halfway with your concerns you can't see any point in continuing the relationship.Im so sorry but it sounds as though he is too weak to end things, and you are in that awful situation of knowing something's wrong but not getting a straight answer from him about it.I think you're going to have to let this one go. xx
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 March 2008):
In your letter you can say all your careful thoughts in an uninterrupted and calm way.
If you were to talk face to face, you may not be able to get
though all those points because you could be emotional and irrational.
Furthermore, he can read and reread that letter to get the
your meanings and give him a chance to reply you .
Whatever people say , I think letter is the best and you can
talk to him face to face later.
It is like you have an agenda when you write that letter.
It helps him to see your points instead of just acrimonious debate with him.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (20 March 2008):
 The letter sounds like a good idea...it seems like he is unhappy too but from what you are saying he isnt quite resolved on ending the relationship, so he is kind of half in half out, thus there is hope for you however you do need to get these things out in the open and see what your options are for working through them. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): I'm in the same situation as you at the moment. I don't know where I stand with my boyf and any time I try to talk to him face to face we end up talking about everything else except us so thats why I'm contemplating writing everything down in a letter to him also. I ended up sending him a text on Sat nite telling him how unhappy I was and I got no answer about it. He mentioned it on Sun nite after a few drinks but then said we'd talk on Monday which never happened! I haven't spoken to him since Monday. I haven't contacted him but he hasn't contacted me either. So I'm also taking on board the advice of the other posters here too! And if you do it to him I'd like to know what he thought as I'm in need of help here also :) Best of luck x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Just saw your follow up after I posted. Good luck to you...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 March 2008):
 I'd send it. It will give him time to gather his thoughts so when you do meet up face to face you will be able to really have a good and helpful conversation. Good luck I hope things turn out for best.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 March 2008):
The other posters all have made good points, and I only have this suggestion. Why don't you tell him you have something you need to talk with him about, meet him somewhere private and quiet, then tell him you are having trouble telling him what's been on your mind. So you have something you'd like him to read and hand over a handwritten copy of what you just wrote, minus the last paragraph. Or you could read it out loud to him. Just a thought.
I hope everything works out for the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies so far. i didnt send the email, but it did help me sort through my thoughts. i guess i do need reassurance one way or the other. its the being strung along i cant handle. ive written it down in a letter, i plan to give him personally. heres the background:-We have been having a difficult time together recently, i dont think hes attentive enough, we have been squabbling over little things.We recently managed a 2 week vacation together, apart from some silly squabbles we got on incredibly well. After the return, same thing as before lack of communication, phone calls etc. Today i crossed the line, i knew what i was doing was wrong, but my gut instinct is telling me that its too late for us. I looked through his phone, i knew as soon as i did it, that that was game over, i had lost all trust, i was invading his privacy. What i found confirmed my fears. I dont think hes cheating, but hes definitely looking elsewhere for his next girlfriend. There are two significant females on his recent text list, one was a potential girlfriend years ago but nothing happened, and the other a girl who has been chasing him. He was basically telling these girls htat there in nothing left in our relationship etc etc. hard to see in black and white but theres no point in kidding myself.we're approaching a significant anniversary, i asked him if we wanted to do something, said if he didnt it wasnt a problem, he threw me slightly by suggesting he get his colleague to cover his work so we could go out. Why wont he just end it with me? i still think he should be the man and just do it. I did tell him, that if he was thinking of splitting with me, he shouldnt wait till after the anniversary, one or two days wont make any difference to me.im left feeling alone, and rejected. ive gotten attached to him, i did enjoy the time we shared. I must admit i havent been happy with the way hes been treating me for a while.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Dont ever break up with someone by letter, email or text have some backbone and do it face to face. Dont wait for him to read this and then ask if he wants to talk to you face to face. Please have some guts and speak to him, it will be less painful in the end.
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (20 March 2008):
Well the questioner isnt really breaking up with somebody so the previous reply is indeed a bit harsh. As to the actual question itself it's really rather hard to answer without knowing a little more detail; what makes you feel that your partner "no longer happy being with" you?
I think in putting out feelings and asking for a face-to-face discussion you have done the right thing if you are feeling this way. It seems to me that you do need a 'state of the union' type of conversation with your partner and you need to thrash out what the issues are in your relationship and where you see it going.
It seems to me that you really need some reassurance from this guy right now. There is nothing wrong with opening a discussion like this via email if you are struggling to talk to him face-to-face initially. Good luck. Let us know how it goes :).
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A
female
reader, red1982 +, writes (20 March 2008):
I think that you should try to tell him face to face, even if you are crying. Saying what you want by e-mail doesn't always work as things can be misread as there are none of the extra communication factors available. It may read completely different to what you wanted to say and this is not something that you can afford to take a chance with.
Tell your boyfriend in advance that you will probably cry whilst talking and that it is not for attention, and not something you can help, then try to explain things as best you can.
If that doesn't work and you still haven't had chance to air your feelings without interruption then send the email, at least then he will know some of what is going on in your head first so may take it the right way.
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (20 March 2008):
Only 12 year olds break up by email/text/myspace.
You should tell him to his face. Tears are part of the process.
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