A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been friends with this guy for over a year. We’ve been spending more time together over the last 5 months and it's basically been developing into something more over time. He used to do all these really great things for me all the time. He asked me out and I had some concerns about differences in values. So he respected that and waited for me to think things through properly. We haven’t exactly talked about where how relationship is going- it just seems to have happened somewhat. We spend time together- usually there just seems to be people around a lot more- not out of choice- its just due to the nature of our jobs. He answers my questions about his life and relationships and general history, views on life etc very easily. He has mentioned that he has cheated on a girlfriend before. When we talked about us He did mention that he wanted to be a REAL item and asked if I would introduce him to my family as my boyfriend. We are from totally different backgrounds and this is an issue. He introduced me to his family and friends already- there was no term used at the time. Lately, the thing that has me all confused is one minute he mentions what he thinks our kids would look like but then says that he cant have kids now and refers to me as the Mrs even in front of others (Im not sure if he’s just teasing me or if he wants to see how I really feel about having a really committed relationship with him- that’s the one thing he wont answer) and the next he’s talking about sex a lot.. When he asked me out and I turned him down he decided he cant REALLY tell me how he feels about me because cos he was worried that I’ll give him a hard time about it. Then he said that he wanted to have sex with me and our relationship wouldn’t be just about sex. A couple of weeks ago he said that I wasn’t a challenge for him and a guy like him could seriously hurt me and take advantage of me. He also mentioned that he will be moving to another state in the next couple of months- which I know is true. He also asked why I trust him and how do I know that he doesn’t have a couple of other girls around. He says he will be happy if I meet someone else – but that guy better take care of me otherwise he’ll hurt them. He also chucks in that he’s a pretender and shouldn’t believe what he says– but complains when I don’t believe him. One of our mutual friends watches us together and knows how things are a lot and says that we belong together – how? I don’t understand! he’s still in touch with all his ex’s and they seem to love him. He gets on with people really well. He went on to say that he cares about me and he doesn’t want to screw things up and that’s why he’s being straight. Then lately he started mentioning sex again in a joking context and he mentioned kids again- (we get along fine as friends) - but he keeps doing this. His new thing now is that he wants to get me pregnant cos that way we will always be connected and if he has kids with someone then he will be with that girl for life. (He’s best friend even came up with a name for these imaginary kids.) Then he says he has a girlfriend, but gets pissed off when I speak to any other guys- even if there’s no flirting. Once in a while when he leaves a conversation he says that he loves me. The same friend says that he is the kind of guy that if he says something and wants you to take him seriously- he’ll say it once or twice and never again. The way I see it if its sex he wants- he can go to any of the girlfriends that he claims to have- he doesn’t need me and he knows this. We fight for stupid things and somehow one of us always ends up calling the other to make sure things are okay between us. Then he goes and does something really sweet. A friend suggested that its cos I havent been able to commit and so he's frustrated and the window for a serious relationship has closed anyway! I still care about him for some reason so I guess I just needed an outside perspective and advice on how to deal.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Brutally honest? He sounds like a kid who doesn't know what the hell he wants, if he ain't a player he sure would like to be one, or maybe not. He doesn't know and seems to be changing his mind constantly.
As for you, I get the feeling that you are, compared to him at least, relativly straight laced, if not a virgin yourselve you don't think saving yourselve is wrong and think sex should be between two people who have at least made some kind of commitment. If he wants sex, you say, he can just go to someone else, you do not lend yourself for just sex.
You are at once enthralled by his devil may care lifestyle but can't really see you as part of it unless he settles down.
He is wondering if he really wants to be a player and wether he couldn't settle down with a "nice" girl like you.
Well the answer to both of you is NO. right now you want different things out of your life. If he is going to settle down, it won't be with you. Friends with benefits is not what you want out of life and certainly not with him.
Where is the love? There is attraction, there is friendship but there is no "I want this person to be my soulmate until the end of time". Not from you, not from him.
You cannot commit, a friend suggests. Odd, you don't sound like a person with commitment issues. He does. You realize this and refuse to let him get to close because you don't want to be in a relationship that is hopeless, if you capture him he will resent you for taking his freedom and you will resent him for not wanting to settle down for you.
Sometimes two people just ain't right for each other even if they like each other. If you had met ten years in the future you might have been perfect for each other, but not now. See it as Harry Met Sally without the happy ending. No, waiting around for the happy ending ain't an option, life is too short to waste on maybe's.
But you don't have to break of the friendship, just make clear that you are not intrested in anything more, don't try to use the promise of sex to make him commit to something he doesn't want. That will only break your heart in the long run.
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