A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been separated for three years and are currently going through a divorce. We have no children, and just before my divorce began, I met a man about 20 years older than me who asked me out. I wasn’t looking for anyone, but we hit it off. We have several mutual friends. He told me he thought we were made for each other. He told me he didn’t know that sex could be as special as it was with me. He sent me sweet text messages almost every day. We agreed that we were exclusive, and he told me couldn’t stand the thought of being cheated on because his first wife, to whom he had been married 19 years, had done that to him. We spent every weekend together from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon. We went to France together for a week in May, and I have been to dinner with him and his parents several times and met his three grown children.We dated for about six months. It was great. A few weeks ago, just before I filed divorce papers for my previous marriage, this man I was seeing, who is a lawyer, suggested we not see each other until the divorce was final in order to avoid any complications while the divorce was still in process. I agreed that it was probably a good idea. At first, I was sad because I thought we wouldn’t be in contact, but he said he wanted to stay in contact. We have seen each other a couple of times since then, but we’re not spending every weekend together right now. I even left some items his house that I used while there, and he agreed to keep them for me.However, the last couple of weeks he’s been distant. He’s not texted me as often as he used to. In fact, he hadn’t texted me the last two days, and this morning I sent him a text, asking if he was ok and telling him I missed hearing from him. He texted me back a few hours later, saying he had not been sleeping well and was also utterly exhausted from a trip to his brother’s house across the country this past weekend.I have a few days off for a fall break in October, and we had discussed back in the middle of July the possibility of going somewhere during my break. He was favorable at that time. Last night, I had sent him a message on Facebook about it. He responded today, saying that until he looked at his calendar, he hadn’t realized that he has plans, made back in April or May, to go to see his daughter in another city and go to a music festival. So those dates are not good for him.I was very hurt. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want me to go with him. I’m also hurt by the lack of communication and the distance of late.What should I do? (By the way, I'm not a kid. I'm in my 30s. And my divorce is final before October, when I had asked him about getting together for a few days.)
View related questions:
divorce, facebook, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also meant to say I have a feeling that he may feel while we are not seeing each other he may think I'm "cheating" on him. I have lots of Facebook friends and lead a busy life. I'm not going to sit around and do nothing. However, I'm not seeing anyone else. But i think this might be a reason for his distance of late. Again, he had told me he was "wary of relationships" because of the way his 19-year marriage ended.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your responses so far. Here are some of things I didn't say in the first post that speak to what has already been said:
--- This guy is 60 years old, not some twenty-something player. He is losing his hair and has to take Cialis. (No matter, I love him deeply.) He told me I'd have to be patient about the latter with him. He said he had to get past some emotional blocks from his previous marriage (the way his wife neglected him sexually for the last year). He said it had nothing to do with his feeling about me, just some baggage he's got and was trying to figure out how to work through, but he hadn't ever really had a situation where he had that opportunity. He said he hoped it won't be a problem for me, but if it was, he'd understand." I was patient with him . We worked through it, and the sex was wonderful.
--- He did not know when we first went out that I was separated and about to go through a divorce. I told him about my situation on the second date, so he did not "prey" on me. Early on, he told me he couldn't say, "Hey let's go the movie" because he didn't want to create an uncomfortable situation for me, but that didn't mean he didn't want to see me. He said he guessed he was digging a hole for himself. He also told me early on that he worried about my legal situation and didn't want me to have any difficulties.
--- He was very sweet for a long time in both text and Facebook messages. He told me he didn't really believe in fate but Sometimes, though, he'd like to . . . for instance, where I was concerned.
--- After I thanked him for his Valentine's Day gifts, he told me in a message that he felt lucky to have met me and that things had developed like they had. He said he tended not to be the sentimental type, but he did think I was a pretty special lady and he looked forward to the time we spent together.
--- Regarding his wife, he did tell me what he thought broke apart their marriage and probably led to her seeing someone else was his tendency to take for granted after their three children were born. He focused more on them--or at least that's how she felt. He said he was pretty wary of relationships after being married for 19 years and being cheated on.
Before I had read any answers posted here, I had already asked him about his trip to see his daughter. He and I ARE indeed Facebook friends. That's how we met. (We have a mutual friend and live in a small town together.) Here is his response about seeing his daughter in October: "This is something we've done together for the last two years. I stay at her place and we get to spend some time together. Didn't get to do much of that in her recent visit." She lives in another state and was just here a couple of weeks ago, but she spent most of the time with some of her old high school friends.
I will minimize my contact with him. I'll see him Saturday because I know we'll be attending the same musical event in town. (Again, it's a small town.) And we have a book club together next week. I'll see how he responds.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 August 2012):
 I agree with Denise and Aunty Bim Bim, I think he's done a u-turn because you are almost divorced and he probably thinks the next step is commitment from him.
You may hear from him in the future but unless he comes back with the real deal and I mean actions, not just words, then I would ignore him and tell him you feel he is using you...because that's what it looks like.
Keep your chin up!!
Hugs x
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (12 August 2012):
 What should you do?
You do what he's doing, that's what. In other words, don't call him, don't text him, delete him from your Facebook "friends" list.
He might be telling the truth about being exhausted from his trip to see his brother, and maybe he hasn't been feeling well. He probably did make the plans to visit his daughter months ago as he told you now. BUT he's not going out of his way to get to see you again, is he, despite his saying he wanted to keep in touch?
Quite possibly he is "doing a runner" as Aunty BimBim thinks, now that your divorce will soon be final.
Even if he DOES contact you before October, it wouldn't do any harm to wait until you have the decree in hand.
And if he does not contact you? Well then, tell yourself it's a matter of good riddance to bad rubbish!
Good wishes for your future once you're finally "unattached" and free to make a new life for yourself!
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 August 2012):
 Woops, divorce papers filed, time for him to do a runner, just in case you get any ideas!
I think he is one of those who prey on vulnerable women,for them the thrill is spinning a story to suck you in (my wife hurt me real bad, please don't be like her), wined and dined you and bedded you, had his fun and now its time to move on.
The men who do this are not common, but they do exist.
All you can do is accept you were naive and played by an expert.
You ask what you should do. In my opinion you should just cease to acknowledge his existance, don't text, don't email, don't facebook (although I doubt you are on his fb friend list, and if you ever come across him in person, laugh in his face, after all he certainly doesn't deserve your tears.
Good luck with your future, I hope it shines bright for you!
...............................
|
