A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a former self-harmer and I would really appreciate some advice about how to tell my new boyfriend about my scars. My boyfriend K and I have only been together for a few days, so it's more a question for what to do in the future if (hopefully) we work well as a couple and perhaps become intimate.As we've known each other for a few months before starting a relationship, K already knows that I have suffered frequent bouts of depression for years and he is very understanding about it. What he doesn't know is that during one of these bouts, I used to self-harm and have several raised burn-scars on my chest. Would it be best to be up-front about this or wait for him to discover the scars for himself? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, KarlieKatrina  +, writes (12 August 2012):
I understand your problem as I am also a former self harmer. Luckily, I don't have any scars but it is always something in the back of my mind that I know I will have to tell people about: new friends I am getting closer to, potential husbands, etc. It is very hard and I know how you feel. Personally, I have come to terms with my actions and my past and therefore am able to speak freely about what I've done. I don't keep it a secret from most people, unless I know for certain that it will cause an issue. There have been times where I have told men and they have gotten scared away. The truth is, he can discover them on his own and ask why you didn't tell him or you could tell him and he may feel overwhelmed by it. All you need to do is level with yourself. If you're uncomfortable with the scars and with your emotions, just don't tell him. It's your story and your experiences, therefore, it's your decision. Don't put pressure on yourself to tell anyone, ever. If you care about him enough that you feel like you want him to be privy to this info about you then that's one thing, but don't scare yourself into thinking the only way to move forward with a relationship is to tell him about this. There's no right time to tell people about issues in your life. If it's too much for him then he's not worth it anyway. You need someone who will understand and support you no matter what you do and no matter what happens. Just stay strong and follow your heart - I hope that whatever you decide to do works out for you. Best.
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (12 August 2012):
 It depends on how you feel when discussing this topic during the heat of the moment is go be emotional but if advised before it won't be shocking and emotional so before is best for the forwarning so in passionate moments will be passionate without a seriously touchy subject be4
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 August 2012):
 Maverick is spot on correct. That dumping too much too soon can be overwhelming for the other party. Or potentially upsetting for the one describing how things used to be,
you should already know if he is a non-judgemental guy or not. That is important.
Are you still in occasional contact with your therapist? Because having your therapist with you could give you greater support when you do tell him.
And maybe get a pamphlett or information he can read on depresssion.
Because initially he may not understand.
Though Depresssion is not rare. It is very common.
At any given time, in this world, 25% of all the people in the world will suffer a manifestation of a problem emanating from the brain and need professional psychiatric support or the support of a Doctor or psychologist.
Sadly some may never seek support or never be able to access support.
That you are better now is all to your credit. Smart people do seek professional support.
When you do tell him feel NO SHAME on your part. Depression is a very serious, though fortunately VERY TREATABLE illness.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 August 2012):
Personally, I'd wait until you're a bit further along into the relationship. Dumping all your baggage on a guy in the first stages of a relationship can be overwhelming. He may even decide to pass you up, thinking that if this is just the tip of the iceberg, he doesn't want to know what the whole picture is like.
People can handle almost anything as long as it's given in doses and not at once.
Just get to know each other better, don't jump into bed with him too soon (even though you've know him a month or so before getting together) and when you think he's worth trusting that kind of stuff to, tell him.
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