A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:dear all. Please help. I don.t trust my boyfreind,as he is not open,and is secretive. Pls read the following of what.s just happened this weekend,and tell me if i.m being overly suspicious. My boyfreinds freind who lives out of town called him last week while i was with him. The male freind asked him what he was doing over the bank holiday weekend. They discussed a club night which was last night. Anyway, i dont see my boyfreind that much,and yesterday,he called me and asked if he could pop over and borrow my mop and broom to clean his bedroom up at home. He lives in a shared house round the corner from me with his sister. They only have a bedroom each,and sometimes she goes off to be with family. Anyway,when he dropped my mop back, i asked him what he was doing in the evening. He then told me the same out of town freind was coming down,and they were going out. Ok,so i checked the internet to see,and the club closed at 7.am. Anyway, i got a bit insecure,and we had an argument on the phone,and he would not take my call last night.this is the same night he was going out with the freind. I felt bad,and texted saying sorry. He picked up the text when he came out of the club. I feel he took a female freind,or else why did he clean his room? He.s not usually that keen om cleaning. the male freind lives out of town,and it.s a long way to drive back,but i doubt they would be sharing a bed together. I know they do get together sometimes and go clubbing,but when they did the last time,and i asked him where the freind was staying,he said he didnt know,and that he wasnt going to sleep in the same bed as him. So why clean up his room unless he has a female staying there,and went to the club with her.and shes gone back there with him? He also went out with the same freind when i was away over easter,and told me his sister had gone to stay with family. Am i being paranoid here? This guy doesnt always tell me what is going on his life,so it makes me suspicious. He didnt even tell me he was going clubbing last night until i said about us seeing each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe called me last night. I did not asnwer. Then I bumped into him outside on my way to wokr. he said he had tried to call me and asked me why I looked so tense? i told him I ma fed up of the arguments. he put his hand up as if he did not wnat to talk about it ( cheek) then he was trying to be all nice ( he always does when he knows he has messed up) then he said he wuld call later. I had a think last night - and basically this man is mentally abusive, treats women like crap and is nasty. I need the toime and space to get over it. With no conact I know I would be ok in a few weeks. I am starting to hate him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Oldbag. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I have done the right thing, although it;s killine me. I loved having sex with him and the intimacy we shared, and the way he looked, and will miss that and am jealous of him seeig someone else at some point, , but what can I do? My nerves have been in shreds most of the time. I;ve been extremley unrelaxed and drinking too much to cope. I hope to god these feelings pass soon. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Thanks Aunty Em and Care Bear. Thank you for your kind words. I woke up this morning feeling like hell. I have left my phone switched off and will leave it off except tp pikc up messages, as I thik that if I hear his voice, it coule make me weak again. I think I need no contact what so ever for sometime. He actually lives very near me. I don;t see him much outside as he drives and hopefully I won;t. It killing me thinking of him going off with another woman at some point. My sexual jealousy drives me insane with him. I think I need to give myself healing time, and hopefully, one mornig soon, I will wake up and be over it. I can;t take much more of the anxiety, the worry and the not knowing. I've allowed this guy to treat me like dirt for 14 monthsn now, and given him sex once a week when he wants it, and have dropped eveything at a moments notice to see him. He; been really awful to be honest, and oi realised the other dya that I have harldy been out at the weekends for a whole year. it;s only in the last month that I;ve started venturing out on staurday and sunday afternoons. I spent a whole year drinking wine during the weekends day and evenig, waiting for the phone to ring, calling him, getting upset, sleeping, 'waiting' for him to tunr up, having sex and then him leaving. Then me calling him the netx day and him ignoring my calls. I really thought it would be good once he had moved near me, but now I feel trapped, as it;s creppy having him around the corner. i feel kind of watched even though he doesn;t see me much. it;s werid. he siad he would be moving soon anyway.I still walked up his road this morning and felt sick seeing his car. I texted him last night saying' it;s obvious you do now want a relationship with me. You tunr up once a week for sex. You are living 5 minuites away from me, and have made little or no effort to see me. It;s not enough anymore. you behaviour is shameful'. he did not respond. he knows what he has been like. I kept on waiting and hoping he would change, and even tried to manipulate the situation by backing off, pretending to be busy to get him t pay me attention at least. it worked, but it was like an enduraance test, and it seemed somehow not right to have to engineer consequences out of this guy. He was really cruel in some ways and would frin ways of making sure I stayed in such as pretending he would see me, then calling at the last minuite late saying he could not make it, even though he was just round the corner, and would actully call me from the shop two minuites away from both of us, saying he was just buying ciggerettes or something, but still not even check on me to see how I am. it was literrally once a week. The other 6 days and night, he would call maybe twice three times. I was not asking too much at all. Just to see each other 2-3 times a week. He would sometime give me a lift to wokr if i asekd him, thne i would walk round the corner to his house, he would drop me off, then say' I will call you later', and he never did. it was all very upseting and hurtful. I didn;t quite get his logic as to why he moved near me, then didn;t do anything to improve things. I am a bit concerned re: my sexual jealousy, as that is what is burnung me most. the thought he wil go with someone else, but cannot let that get the better of me. xx
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reader, oldbag +, writes (8 May 2012):
 Hi
After reading your updates I can see why you got out of the relationship. They show the whole picture more than the initial question.
You have done the right thing for you,ending it, because he is not making you happy. Hope things work out for you.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 May 2012):
 I don't blame you for ending it. sometimes we lose track of how toxic and poor a relationship is because we are focussing so hard on not being alone, not being single.
People who have low self worth or low self esteem will stay longer in bad relationships because they don't think they deserve any better. When both partners have worth issues, it's a breeding ground for mistrust and misery. Even worse, they play the yo yo relationship game and the cycle is never broken because they just cannot make the break permanent for fear of loneliness.
Give yourself time to recover and gather your friends around you...or you could just write your thoughts here at DC.
Im sorry things have gone badly for you but you are most definitely not alone and now you have time to allow some positivity to come into your life and learn to love yourself again.
chin up xxxx
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female
reader, hair bear  +, writes (8 May 2012):
Well there are a lot of things here that can be taken both ways but just remember there is work in any relationship however when the work is to hard its not meant to be
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi all. Bit of an update. I.ve ended it! To be honest, it.s been hard work for over a year now. My 'obsession' has made me anxious.and low,and involed checking to see if his car is there most nights, him being manipulative,and trying to make sure i.m at home all the time,him turning up late, not calling much,not returning my calls, seeing me once a week when it suits him, being snappy and rude,rejecting my calls from time to time, me drinking too much to cope, him never taking me out except on 3 occasions in 14 months, him witholding sex until he wants it,me constantly on edge. Time to let it go. I realised today i can.t do this anymore. X
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 May 2012):
Hi
I clean my place when visitors are coming, its just something you do,he didnt hide it from you.His friend was probably staying at his, its only one night so why wouldnt he. You knew he was going out because you overheard the conversation, which he had in front of you, on the phone.
Can't see a problem here, your over reacting to a normal situation. Dont push him away with your insecurity. Just make plans of your own so you dont start ringing him when he goes out,innocently,with his friend.Hes in a relationship with you, but it doesnt mean he cannot see friends or clean his room.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionps. No. Him and his siter do not have a broom ,and broke the mop! X
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi all. Thanks for putting my mind at rest. I.m worried he will leave me,and am now giving him some space,and hoping he will come back. He has given me some reason to mistrust him,as he stayed at his ex wifes house a couple of months back,and claimed it was easier to take them to football from there. He hasn.t stayed there since,but it broke my trust. He moved nearby to me a couple of months back,and claimed it was coincidence that he found the place. He used to live an hours drive away. I thought things would improve,but i.m still paranoid and suspect of him after the ex wife incident,and can.t move on. He gets really anxious when i back off,and vice versa. We are both scared of losing each other,and he checks up on me by phone if he doesn.t hear from me for a day or two. I love him,but having him live near me has almost made things harder. I don.t want to feel or act like this. How do i stop? Thanx
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 This has got nothing to do with your question, but I must say that the most curious part in your story is that your bf does not own a mop and a broom, and apparently his sister does not either ! So strange :).
I can't say that the bedroom cleaning is per se damning evidence. He may have wanted to clean independently of anybody sleeping there- you've just got to clean some time, eventually :). He may have wanted to have all the flat decent for company ( the out of town friend ) even if he was not going to sleep there. Or perhaps the bf was going to sleep in his sister's room, or on the couch, and leave his bedroom to his guest.
There may be many explanations to this particular instance, it all depends if in the course of your relationship he has already given you cause for doubting him . How's your relationship in general ? Is he affectionate, present, reliable ? have you ever caught in lies ? Is he known for having a roving eye , is he a reformed ( or perhaps not too reformed ) player ? Were there any other specific episodes which made alarm bells ring ?...
I think you have to make a big effort of objectivity, and try to separate facts from your own insecurities. Are you in general a jealous, insecure type ? Is theer something in this relationship that makes you feel vulnerable ? Etc.etc. You alreday said that he acts " secretive " at times, ( no good sign in general ) - then again what is secretive for you may just be reserved for another person. Do you expect him to always tell you where is he going to go and what he's going to do with whom any day of the week , any hour of the day ?... Then know that while some people think this is normal for a couple, other people can't stand it, they would feel like they are on Big Brother , they need to keep some privacy and some space also if they are not up to anything .
In conclusion : unluckily I have no definite answer for you, it all depends from other factors that you are the best one for evaluating.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 May 2012):
Are you being paranoid???...Yup!!!
You did know he was going clubbing...or at least you had an idea because you overheard the conversation he had with his mate the week before.
Did he take a female friend back to his? Just cos he cleaned his room?? Most likely not, because he's in a relationship with you.
Should he be allowed to go clubbing with his friends?...yes because when you have trust, you can both go off and do stuff and know the other person is true to you.
This is entirely about trust...you don't trust him, but is there a reason for that? Did he cheat on you before?
Men play the avoidance tactic the harder you push. You are already snooping and getting all het up the moment he steps away from you...he must feel suffocated, so it's no wonder he don't tell you everything.
Im no predictor of the future, but carry on like this and he will leave you.
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