A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A year ago amidst a fight, I discovered my boyfriend of 4 years whom I live with, in the first year we had been together, had still been messaging other women via Facebook. A month after he told me loved me he had apparently invited a woman to come down to live with him and his apps were downloaded months into the relationship. I never brought it up and we never discussed it but it still haunts me to this day and I’m not quite sure how to cope. I feel like it’s put a block on me and it’s ruining our relationship cause I don’t trust him but I don’t want to come out and say it. Any advice on if it to just move on and let it go?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 August 2020):
 You've lived like this for a year. How has that made you feel? Is this how you want to feel year after year after year?
Why have you not discussed this with him? Why have you simply suffered in silence? Why do you not think your feelings matter in this?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2020): Typo correction:
"You get an opportunity of fight or flee that places either of you on equal-footing."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2020): I've read both your posts now. I will now address this one.
I won't go so far as to say mentally, guys are ten years behind females!!! If that was the case, how do they fool you so easily?
"I love you" has to be proven and established by actions over time, and with consistency.
At the very beginning of a relationship, anything can happen. Nobody really knows each-other that well; and hidden-things about either of you will be discovered that may not be so great to know.
He may not have realized you took things that seriously; or you may have given him mixed-signals. I will agree that guys may be slower to commit than females; but you have to use discernment and allow trust to develop before you jump-in with both feet.
When you see too many red-flags, bailout!!! You get an opportunity of flight or flee that places either of you on equal-footing. If you can't trust him; then the relationship is not going to last. You just won't be able to withstand the pressure and weight of the distrust. Nothing he says or does will seem sincere or real to you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 August 2020):
 I agree with Honeypie... It's not that you don't trust him because you are jealous and paranoid, and you need to work on yourself.... you don't trust him because you CANNOT trust him, knowing how he is not trustworthy and how he already amply betrayed your trust !
This is like watching closely your purse and wallet , when you are in the same room with a thief, and feeling bad because you feel maybe you should trust him more . Well, who knows, maybe; but also, maybe not !
Broken trust is hard to repair, - it can be done some times if both people are committed to fix the problem, but it takes time, patience , communication and , from the trust-broker's side , the sincere , willing effort to make amends, change behaviour and SHOW you, not just tell you, that he deserves your trust again.
I am afraid that it is a bit too late for all that, maybe you had a chance if you had taken the bull by the horns there and then- now I don't know, I think that probably you 'd better let him go and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 August 2020):
 You think you should "just" trust him because he said "I love you"? Because that makes no sense.
OF COURSE it makes you not trust him fully! You know what he did, what he is capable off. You don't trust him because you CAN'T trust him.
You never brought it up and now years (?) later it's eating you up. And you wonder what trick you can use to bury it under the rug. There is no such trick.
You can TALK to him about this, about boundaries, what you think and what HE think is OK to DO in a relationship, air it out. If you are on the same page maybe you also need to consider what you would require from him (and yourself) in order to rebuild trust. IF it's even possible. In my opinion? It's not. Not this long after. It would be too easy for him to dismiss it, and it's too easy for you to think he has done more over the years that he has hidden better than those apps.
Trust is one of those things you can't do without in a healthy long term relationship.
Sure you can say to yourself;" it's the past I no longer care what he did". Until he does something else. Then it will all come flooding back.
Why didn't you bring it up when it WAS relevant? Were you afraid that he would leave you if you told him that being faithful is a requirement? That talking to other women on apps is not OK with you?
I think you need to examine this too.
Sorry, there is no magic fix here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2020): This is definitely not an excuse for him, but insight as to maybe why he acted the way he did:I realized that guys in this generation all act 10+ younger than their actual age. To him, when you first started dating, or even when he professed his love to you, it wasn’t a serious committed relationship. He felt you guys were JUST DATING and since it’s early on in the relationship, he’s still able to seek other fishies in the sea. Unlike us women, the day we decide to accept him as our boyfriend, we stay loyal and committed.If you don’t end up finding out about his other side chicks, then lucky you, you’ll move into a more serious stage (usually about 1 year after dating him) at that time, he will cut those side chicks loose. But if unfortunately, you find out before he decides you both have a serious enough relationship, you’ll feel he’s cheating on you and betrayed you love and trust. And also, because they are little boys still.. you’ll need to call him out, slap his hand, and tell him it’s a “no-no” then he’ll start behaving... best of luck!
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (18 August 2020):
 That's is the thing with trust, ones trust has been broken its very hard to come back from.
Some people grin and bear it and try to move on the best they can. Some people it eats away at them, and they can't let it go, which puts a block on the relationship moving forward. I think you steers towards the latter.
I think that one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together is trust, if trust is absent in a relationship no matter how long you string the relationship out it will crumble in the end.
HE betrayed your trust, he told you he loved you, then invited another woman to come down and live with him.
If its still haunting you to this day, then chances are you are neve going to be able to trust him again. Being in a relationship always suspecting your partner, looking over your shoulder is no life for anyone.
I think you should finish this relationship with him and move on. The trust has been broken, and I feel you are not going to be able to let it go. Move on with your life, have some time out. When you ready there are plenty of genuine guys out there that will give you the love and respect that you so rightly deserve.
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