A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles. My boyfriend has a child with ex wife. Whenever we spend money on ourselves he gets questioned why money was spent on us, and who paid. Recently we went away for a short holiday. His son (13) phoned and asked why he spent money on holiday when the child wanted new soccer kit and a new playstation. He told the child I had paid, which was true, as my boyfriend never has extra money for us, it goes to child support and basic living expenses. His ex then called me to ask if I had paid for the trip. Which I confirmed again. This is not the first time it has happened. When my boyfriend has some money he buys extra things for his child. At the moment he can't. It is one thing to put up with me paying for all the "extras". It's another to be interrogated about it. When the child asked the question my boyfriend explained I had paid, but in my opinion failed to point out that it is not acceptable to question our financial decisions. I think he should have been firm as this is a boundary that should be respected by ex and child. He pays child support every month and buys extra when he can. I feel they lack respect for him and me.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 June 2014):
 WOW. That kid, and by extension his mom, is way out of line. If your boyfriend is meeting the court-mandated obligations of support for the child (and alimony or spousal support if that exists), then he has nothing else to answer for. Even if there was no divorce, he doesn't owe our children toys like Playstations and soccer kits and all that stuff, and he certainly don't owe them explanations as to what he spends on himself. His proper response to the child should be "sorry son, but it's not your business how I spend my money", and to his mom, it should be "If you have any objections to the level of child support I pay, take it up with my lawyer through the courts". End of story. His ex DOESN'T have the right to question him as long as he's doing what the courts have ordered. Above that, nothing else is owed, and any extras above and beyond for toys like Playstations is out of the goodness of his heart and is not an entitlement.
I agree with the others! Why isn't the kid earning these things? Kids don't develop financial skills unless they're taught properly! As an aside, and maybe, OP, it'll help you with some ideas with kids of your own, last week and this week my son and I have been going to financial literacy classes through our bank which helps teenagers and young adults learn how to handle finances, including how to deal with credit, investing, savings, long term financial planning, business management (buying or creating a business) and the like. His mom would be doing much better for her kid by teaching him the value of earning money rather than to work out her bitterness through her kid by labeling Daddy a stingy miser when he isn't one. My son just turned 14 and is already saving up for a car. I offered $20 to him to read the book "The Richest Man in Babylon", and he's latched on to this excerpt in particular:
"Imagine that the money in your bank account came to life and each dollar stood tall representing a muscular slave bulging with strength.
The man was no ordinary slave though, he was a golden slave. He could be put to hard work and would create value growing any venture he engaged. He would go on to eventually have children. His children would be born into slavery though and would be immediately be put to work. Thus your number of slaves would multiply and your capacity earn would be exponential.
While you sit on the beach and enjoy the Monday morning breeze, your golden slaves would be out toiling to bring you riches. From time to time they would come back to you carrying bags of cash, each time the bags growing larger. You feel content with your trusted golden slaves. They are working hard, ensuring your wealth multiplies."
(Credited: George Samuel Clason)
I know you asked the question about your boyfriend's son and his ex, but I know that you too, OP, have your eyes on your future. The best thing your boyfriend could do for his son is to even turn around his ex's attempts at injecting her bitterness into him through her son, and make it a teaching moment to give him something 1000x better than a Playstation.
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (8 June 2014):
 It is absolutely NONE of her business what you choose to do with your money once child support is paid. If there is a child support order in place and those bills are getting dealt with them you have every right to do what you like with the cash.
Is the son starving? Is the son without clothes, heat, light, electric? NO? Well, that's fine! He is healthy and happy, I assume and your are doing your part as a couple and the rest is your business.
Next time she asks ridiculous questions about what you spend your money on, why not ask her about her spending - I bet if she wants to go away for a weekend she goes away for a weekend and doesn't think about a soccer kit or soccer lessons or whatever and she doens't tell you where all her money goes, it is exactly the same for you.
I have a son with my ex and I never ask him where his money goes, I don't care, as long as he helps me out once in a while, which he does, but not to a great degree, could be better, but his life, get on with it. My husband has an ex with a son, whom we pay through the nose for financially and if she ever had the nerve to question how our money was spend on our family once child support is paid then there would be some serious issues! She gets her cut, the rest is absolutely none of her business. If she wants to put her kid in soccer, she can foot the bill. Simple as that. And she (in our case) does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): All the ex sees is you two going off on holiday when she is probably struggling to pay bills with no hope of a holiday.
Do you two take his son away with you sometimes, or just he and his son go for weekends away?
The Ex is playing it all wrong and sounds very bitter, however the child is the one in the middle of you all. It's not him who wants to phone, it's the Ex.
Your partner needs to go and see her alone. To set bounderies, it's his son and this questioning needs to be nipped in the bud before their father/son relationship is ruined.
If you take the calls then just say sorry but you can't talk right now and hang up
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 June 2014):
 She has no right to ask these questions. IF your BF pays the allotted child maintenance/child support whatever you two spend money on is NOT her business.
Now I agree, I think SHE is putting her SON up to asking these questions, but you BF is a wuss if he doesn't tell his ex wife that it's REALLY none of HER business.
And YOU need to not get involved.
This is an issue HE needs to sort out with the ex.
I will also agree 100% with Auntie Bim - this kid will be a entitled brat if he get to be allowed to QUESTION his dad's finances.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 June 2014):
 The child is too big for his boots but then this is the way he's been brought up, so yes, its the ex wife's fault. She poisoning him against you and your boyfriend and that is why he has the audacity to talk to his father in that way.
OP this is the downside of dating a man with baggage. There is no right way to handle this because the man cant possibly cut the child out of his life and hence the ex wife also always remains in the picture. You also have to resign yourself to the fact that you will have to let go of the luxuries because your boyfriend has to continue paying for his child.
Also keep in mind that your boyfriend probably feels guilty about not being a part of his son's life and will therefore not want to correct his behavior or reprimand him in any way because its not a "normal" father-son relationship. I'm sure he feels bad about the fact that he's absent from his son's life while he's growing up and therefore indulges him all he can and in the process gets arm-twisted by the son, who's being tutored by the ex-wife.
Its all too complicated really and I don't think anything's going to change magically.
The question is, how long can YOU put up with all this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): The child's mother is putting the child up to this behavior, and he should be told it is improper for him to be questioning adults on their personal and private affairs. As a single-mother, she is no doubt struggling. We cannot be indifferent to her troubles or suffering either.
If his son needs something, reassure him he will get it when it is financially feasible, and if his father feels it is something he really needs. These words should come from his dad.
PlayStations are expensive, and not a priority; but it could be considered for a birthday present. It can also be used to motivate good grades. His mother should go halves on such things. Put up or shut-up.
This is the vindictiveness that comes from baby-mama drama when there is a girlfriend in the ex's life. Don't you dare offer any information on what you do with your money. Feel free to tell her in a firm, but respectful way, that your finances are your private concern. What you pay for is really none of her business.
Don't bend or yield to her prying; because it isn't keeping the peace as you might think. It only encourages her meddling and stirring up problems with your boyfriend, and dragging you into it.
That keeps the child at odds with you and his father; and prevents you from establishing any sort of bonding with him.
She's trying to make the child believe his father has the means, but he's holding out and being a deadbeat. From what you described on how it effects you; I have to admit that I think your boyfriend could do better. This could also be his mother's motivation. We have to also recognize when the mother is acting for the child's benefit. Although it is grossly incorrect to put the child up to questioning adults about their finances; when it isn't even any of her business.
Has your boyfriend ever considered offering his son payment in exchange for chores? Teaching his son how to earn his own money and starting his own savings account? He's old enough. He could mow lawns, clean garages, and wash cars to earn his own money. He could run errands for the elders in his neighborhood. Sitting around and making a wishlist is fine, as long as he's willing to earn some things on his own.
If your boyfriend is being a good father, paying his child support, and teaching his son proper behavior; his mother would not be able to stir up these problems. He has more responsibility as a father. He has to offer that young man guidance. If he leaves it all up to his mother; this is what happens. Sending a check each month isn't enough.
He can counter her veiled attacks by coming up with ideas that keep the connection between him and his son positive; while showing the boy a proper way to do things. If your boyfriend isn't offering much guidance as a father; he leaves it up to his mother to show him the wrong way.
Nothing angers me more than to see people use children as a pawn, or a way to get back at each other. Poisoning the children against one another; so they create estrangement and unwarranted resentment toward the other parent. There is a karma that comes with this evil. The child gets older and begins to see how they've been used. It could also take a tragic turn, where the child only finds out after a loss.
That is what this is all about. You have to be positive, even when you feel she has the upper-hand. If your boyfriend has to take on a part-time job to get a few extras for his son, that wouldn't hurt. It would also take the financial burden off of you. Yes, he owes that to you.
You and the boy are the innocent parties in this debacle; and you both should come out smelling like roses. You can't blame a kid for wanting things other kids have. He also needs to be told that if he wants things he has to learn to earn money to help. If he is an athlete, he needs equipment that might be hard for his mother to afford alone. Team sports should be encouraged, and he should get those things he needs for his safety. Most of the time there are school sponsored fund-raising events the kids themselves have to participate in; and his mother may not be encouraging him to do that. Or just coming up with reasons to make his dad look bad in his son's eyes. That's just the type of thing that will comeback to bite her in her bum one of these days.
If your boyfriend is attending games and encouraging his son to participate in school activities; he'd keep him out of trouble. He'd know what's going on, and could prepare a strategy before his mother has to come to him for those things.
Be as neutral in these matters as you possibly can. It's really up to your boyfriend to handle them. When she rings your phone, the ball is in your court. I suggest that you take the high ground, and suggest she discuss his son's needs with your boyfriend. Let her know you will always personally have his son's best interest at heart, and would help if there is an urgent need. Point out you would prefer to be on good terms regardless, for their son's sake.
Don't be afraid to set her tail on fire when she crosses the line. As far as you're concerned; she has to know when to back-off as well.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 June 2014):
 So rude!
She is just so rude!
Next time she questions who is earning money that is being spent on specific items such as holidays he is to tell her the question is inappropriate, and does not deserve an answer.
If she puts her son on to ask the question, saying he wants a new soccer kit or play station, his father needs to tell him he pays support to his mother to purchase such items as soccer kits, and if he wants a playstation, what is he going to do towards earning some money towards one.
The boys parents are creating a teenager with a sense of entitlement, I dread to think what they would be like if you and your boyfriend ever decide to have a family.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (8 June 2014):
They do lack respect. To be fair to your boyfriend, I suspect this behaviour from his son is being encouraged by his mother, so I can understand your boyfriend not wanting to have this out with his boy. But he should with his ex wife. Has it been confirmed, for example through CSA, that he is paying enough? He may well even be paying too much, worth exploring if they can’t agree what’s reasonable between them.
His son needs to understand though, that it isn’t right for a child to expect play stations, football kits or whatever else he desires, from his father, for no reason. Frankly he sounds spoiled and over-indulged. As a father he can, and should, be firm about this with his son.
One other thing: has he sought legal advice about access? I have a horrible feeling the child is being manipulated and poisoned against his father by the ex, a person nasty enough to do that is probably nasty enough to make access difficult when things aren’t going her way. He should challenge her entitlement to probe his finances and who’s paying for what, even if he paid for the holiday it doesn’t matter, so long as he’s working and supporting his son. It’s time you both talk about how to approach this ex, nicely playing along and telling her who’s paid for what, will do nothing to challenge her unacceptable behaviour.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): I understand where you are coming from. My husband has a child with another woman and if we go on holiday the ex will assume that my husband has paid and that he is in some way short chnaging his child and her. I then receive a selection of nasty texts tellig me that her child is 'starving etc etc'. This is ofcourse nonsense. My husband pays monthly maintenance and for all variety of extras for the child and directly to the child so it does not go via her hands and then is spent on other things. My husband does tell her firmly that I am paying for the holidays but she chooses not to accept this fact as it doesn't suit her to do so. Sometimes I feel she expects me to pay some of my earnings towards her and her child too.Unfortunately when you are with a man who has a child with someone else this is just par for the course. Ofcourse she has no right to question what you spend your money on but in her view she will see you as off enjoying yourselves when she is stuck at hom with the child and this is going to make her see red. There is nothing she can do other than be difficult about your boyfriend seeing his son. When my husband's ex started doing this with me he threatened to cut her money off. This soon stopped her behaviour. This is a very common problem and until the child is grown up and even beyond you are going to get this all the time you spend money on something that isn't related to her or the child and that she finds out about. Really there is nothing that can be done other than just ignore her.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 June 2014):
You're right
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