A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I won't go into the lengthy background but my wife and I have been together for about 10 years. We've had our ups and downs, nothing big - nobody has ever cheated or anything like that. But the biggest problem we've always had is not that we argue or fight, but HOW we argue and fight. I'm very well aware of this and have tried to change my contribution to the problem and have talked to her about this many times.What generally happens is this: We rock along with no problems for months at a time and then if I'm not happy about something or something bothers me, I talk to her about it and then we get in a big fight with her becoming defensive and her telling me "it shouldn't be this hard," if it's a good relationship, "it should be pretty easy." She doesn't believe in counseling (I've suggested we go many times). And before you have to ask, yes, I'm careful about how I broach topics on my mind. I don't accuse her of things, I just tell her how I'm feeling about something or how something makes me feel.On the other hand, when she has something on her mind she doesn't hesitate to tell me what it is and I make a point of listening to her, trying to understand her point of view, apologizing (only if appropriate), and try to be sensitive to something that's important to her. I'm not saying I handle things perfectly but this is honestly how things normally go. As a recent example, we socialized with her group of friends (males and females) and the whole time she and her friends were engaged in many conversations about things she and they have apparently talked about a lot (including our sex life). I kept having to ask what they're talking about so I could even follow most conversations. After we left she asked if I had fun. I told her yes, but that I felt a little bit like an uninformed, third-wheel because I had no idea about certain things they were talking about. She threw up her hands and said, "Here we go! I can't have fun with my friends without getting a 'talk' from you. Why is it always something with you?" Keep in mind, this was the first time in probably six months we've even had an argument. I just answered her question honestly. I asked her if she would rather me just lie and say it was fun and secretly hold my feelings in or, like she apparently does, share them with my friends but not her? We went home and she slept in a separate room and didn't talk to me for a couple days. There are many, many things about her that are wonderful and I love her. The "good" in us has always outweighed the "bad" in our relationship. I love her personality, I love the way she handles life, I'm addicted to her physically, and I have always wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I love her family and they love me. I love her. But I don't love how she handles what she perceives to be criticism of her, it's extremely difficult, especially emotionally.I'm exhausted. For years I've tried to be an understanding, caring, compromising partner to her. Like I said, I'm not perfect, but I do the best I can to smooth out any wrinkles that pop up. Sometimes when we have these arguments she doesn't talk to me for days and even a few times it was a few weeks. I think I've gotten to the point where this problem outweighs any "good" things about us. I don't want to go through life feeling like I can't say what's on my mind without being ridiculed. And although it hasn't happened recently, I can't go through life worried about when will be the next time I will be shut out and ignored for days or weeks. It's emotionally exhausting.So I guess I'm on here just partly to vent but also to see if there is any advice I haven't thought of yet. I really would rather make the marriage work but I just don't see how that's going to happen unless I just hold things in and never let her know if something bothers me, and I just don't think I can do it anymore.
View related questions:
engaged, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): I don’t know if this has been posted too late or if you have already made a decision but I recommend you stay for the long haul, nothing extreme, it seems that there are just a few things to iron out. I can completely understand the hypocrisy, and that you feel you are not properly listened to or respected, but maybe you are also being too sensitive and ‘trying to please’ which is actually facilitating her lack of respect towards you and pushing her away? The way you have explained it would lead me to believe that your wife is a complainer who has very little time for you when it doesn’t suit her, while also expecting you to bend over backwards for her. This is not good. Why is it your job to iron out the wrinkles as you say, anyway? It’s for you both to work on, and its not your job as an adult to ‘keep her happy’ beyond what’s sensible. She’s a grown up who needs to take responsibility too!You said that your problem has got to the state where the bad almost outweighs the good but i am assuming that overall the statement still stands that “the good” between you two being together still outweighs the bad. It is said of madness that only a crazy person does the same thing time and time again expecting to get different results, and so maybe if she is not going to change then you ought to try and change your approach or response to her. You have nothing to lose with her current behaviour!Try being more brief when she complains, in your responses to her. Not less loving, but less placating or dare i say needy? I am not saying that this is what you actually do, but this is how she might interpret it. She talks, gripes, and you comfort; she gets her desires and yet doesn’t have to give out much to you when it is your turn for something to bother you. Sound like a well balanced relationship?No wonder you are exhausted. It sounds to me as though she can’t think that much of you if she is willing to spill all to her various friends and yet clams up with you, her life partner. What if you dragged her out to your friends’ night out and had a good laugh and then you and your friends excluded her, even slightly? I reckon she’d either be enraged deep down OR she would put on the crocodile tears to ‘punish’ you. Or some such tactic. I think she is assuming too much control in this relationship so that she has it all the way she likes it, never satisfied, probably unrealistic expectations. We all have areas that we need to get in check every once in a while, but this doesn’t seem so much of a blind spot for your wife, rather than something she is unwilling to address or give up her selfishness for. I would be very concerned if I felt that my spouse was letting other people know more than me about our relationship, or something very personal to my husband instead of him coming to me first, or if my husband regularly had time out with his friends and excluded me or treated me like a bore. She is showing her crowd in those times, exactly what she thinks of you. It’s not a good image!If you cannot actively do anything about her weird and embarrassing behaviour in this area, i would at the very least have it out with her and say in plain language that you need to be listened to as well, and that love without actions does not signify love but shallowness and low opinion. Treating you one way when things are fine and then another way when you don’t pander to her signals to me that you are just there to serve her!Maybe you are scared of losing her and therefore find it hard to tell her the truth of what you really want to say, but you know; you do know exactly what you want to say deep down. The fact that she sometimes will not talk to you for days or even weeks at a time shows how immature she is, and if these things are not huge then she should be civil and of course make peace. By doing this she is also again asserting her ‘authority’ as if she doesn’t need you, leading me to suggest that instead of coming across weak and needy yourself, you tell her how silly she is being- with a smile on your face- and go about your day to day life until she recovers and gets her act together, so that she knows you love her but will not put up with her crap!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2021): It's clearly a problem and outweighing the good because I sense that even though there hasn't been any recent arguements there are things you would like to address but feel you can't, whereas you are effectively saying that she is expressing her feelings openly and you are remaining silent. This is breeding silent contempt on your part. From my observations on relationships there tends to be one who is the peacemaker, I know a couple who have been married over sixty years, a couple of weeks ago the husband said something he disagreed with her and straight away she shut him down into flames. I observed that after he said nothing, certainly didn't act like he was bothered and because I know them well I said to him I guess that's how they have stayed married so long, because basically he lets it go and she forgets about it soon after, I think this takes time because other people have told me he wasn't always so relaxed years ago, had he of retaliated I'm sure they would have been in your position of her shutting him out if he had argued back.I think you are in a real predicament because she is refusing marriage counseling, but as suggested there is nothing stopping you going on your own or maybe like England you have a telephone relationship helpline number to discuss it further? It seems very much that there is an imbalance and she can't take criticism, she displays an avoidant attachment style, that's worth looking into to get more insight into your relationship dynamics, the way you write you come across as stable, so you accept her voicing how she feels but shoe on the other foot she pulls away and withdraws.One way or another you need to decide if this is worth it in the long run, if it's worth laying the cards on the table and express how you feel, which as has been suggested she may pull upper hand and want to split, it can obviously go either way, I would almost certainly talk it over more with either a good trustworthy friend or a counsellor.All the best whatever happens
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I know it's hard to respond to a 10-year problem that has been distilled into a few paragraphs by a stranger but somehow all of you have either been right on about certain things or what you have said/suggested has hit home. You clearly put some effort into helping people on here and I appreciate it.
I agree that she has taken me for granted and I agree that it's because I've let it happen. She absolutely does have a problem with anything she perceives as criticism but I know that well and have tried to modify my behavior over the years to accommodate that, but it hasn't worked. I can't keep living like this because every time she gets angry with me she threatens divorce and it leaves me in near-constant state of emotional stress. So, I do think I need to get out of the marriage and let her go. That hurts to even say because there is so much I love about her and about us. But I can't do this anymore.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 April 2021):
 This is just a feeling I get so, if I am wrong, just ignore me. My impression from your post was that this is YOUR problem because YOU ARE BEING TOO NICE. You are being so careful not to upset her that you probably come across as apologetic and - sorry, but I can't think of a better way of putting this - a wimp. Because you come across like that, she treats you badly because she knows you will suck it up and put up with it. If you lie down, people will walk all over you. Stop lying down.
What to do? Treat her as an equal, not as someone who deserves BETTER treatment than you do. Speak to her normally. Tell her what is bothering you without carefully picking your words. If she doesn't like it, TELL her she is being a bitch, or childish, or spiteful, or whatever you feel is the best description of her behaviour. Then walk away and leave her to figure it out and get over it.
TELL her you are unhappy with the way she reacts to you. Regardless of the good bits in your relationship, give serious consideration to whether you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells around someone who considers she is worthy of being listened to while you are not.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2021): I'll refrain from judging your wife because I don't know her, and I have not heard her side of the situation.Consequently, I'll refrain from talking of divorce.1) From the way your post outlines your thinking process, and based on the things you quote your wife on, I'm inclined to ask, is there a difference in level of education between your wife and you?(I'm considering both ways, like, she's got just elementary and you've been to college, or she's got a Masters and you've been to high school)------------------------------------------------------"I'm very well aware of this and _have tried to change my contribution to the problem_ and have talked to her about this many times."Again, maybe I'm wrong, but from your post I get the vibes of something that I know even I must have been guilty of: someone who identifies as being 'intelligent' and can tend to broach subjects with this "got it all figured out--here's what we must do" attitude.Over the years, such (perceived) 'overthinking' might be something that your wife has found overbearing, like, just.. too much.That's what I get from her saying "it should be pretty easy"._[I] have tried to change my contribution to the problem_ : did your wife have a say in identifying this "[your] contribution to the problem" or did you do it all on your own?Do you have an example of something that _your wife_ identified as "[your] contribution to the problem"?-------------------------------------------------------"yes, but that I felt a little bit like an uninformed, third-wheel because I had no idea about certain things they were talking about."Do you realize that not one word in there tells your wife _how_ you mean that 'yes' you had fun?97.2% of your answer is focused on... you. You *not* having fun. How can you say that that was an honest answer?How about... "yes, Mark and his charity works... quite impressive I think... how about you, you had fun?"Also, did you really have to constantly be asking them "what are you guys talking about?"How about just 'breaking' that flow and introducing a totally different subject, like openly asking "Hey Mark... I heard your boy did good on that baseball game on sports day recently?"--------------------------------------------------------P.S: Had this point been relevant, it's unlikely that you'd have left it out... so I mention this in footnote, one never knows.2)i) I may be wrong, but your post tends to indicate that your wife and you do not have children, is that the case?2)ii) If that is the case, how does your wife feel about that? Even if it is a deliberate choice, how does she feel about the fact that her biological clock is ticking? Is she convinced that it was a mutually agreed choice?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 April 2021):
 I think your wife cannot handle any kind of criticism and for some reason is not happy with her self...and when I say happy, I mean she doesn't possess that kind of inner happiness, security and sense of well-being that comes from within. I don't think it has anything to do with you... I think this is entirely her problem.
You can't keep on walking on eggshells around her. It is not humanly possible when you're married to someone, to always be guarded.. about how you speak,what you say, what you think. It defeats the whole point of a marriage if this is how things are.
You might think that things are good otherwise but clearly they are not because if this is her way of responding to you and what she perceives as criticisms from you. She is either deeply frustrated about something in her life or is just extremely pampered, used to getting her way and bosses you around because you give in. Her attitude towards you is not just childish, it is spiteful and churlish. This does not a marriage make. You cannot live like this and if (or when) there are children involved, then it is not right for them to live like this either.
You need to talk to her frankly. Either this stops and she completely changes her attitude towards you and the marriage, or, you have had enough. There is no middle ground.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2021): Sometimes you have to speak the honest truth; even when it makes other people angry with you. You're offering your wife a false sense of security; by allowing her to believe all is well, and the only time you have a complaint it's to criticize her. Then she in-turn, throws a tantrum, makes you feel bad; and she sulks for a few days without speaking to you.
You can be henpecked, and choke on your silence; or you can calmly address your problems, and solve them together. Man-up, you're the one with the testicles! Don't get baited into arguments, hold your peace. Refuse to engage in an angry verbal-exchange! Even when she's hitting below the belt; or plucking at your last raw nerve!
When you've been with someone for so many years, they learn how to push your buttons, and they can anticipate your reactions. The surprise is no reaction, and calmness. It's almost startling, if not downright confusing!
Everybody has disagreements. No relationship is perfect. She believes the marriage is perfect, and if you find a problem you're killing her illusion of perfection. If you never speak-up, and hold it in; you'll lose-it one-day, and yell all sorts of hateful things that you can't take back.
Explain to her that sometimes when she's discussing the intimate details of your sex-life, or your personal-life with her friends; they'll just go back and gossip behind her back. They are judging her as foolish and loose-lipped. They sucker her in by offering some useless generic tidbits about their personal-lives, to loosen her up. While she's blabbing her business, they're all judging her...not you! They now know not to offer her anything she's likely to go tell somebody else!
Meanwhile, she's eroding your trust.
You can't holdback the things that are bothering you, and stew on them. Then decide you're going to go dredge-up things from the past that have gone stale; and expect her to want to listen to you moan and bellyache, about stuff she has long forgotten!
Nobody hears the facts during angry arguments; just the useless hurtful stuff!
Rehashing your old problems you've never resolved just gets drowned under the insults and yelling. The end result is nothing but hurt-feelings, resentment, and not a thing resolved or accomplished. She shuts you up by turning your legitimate complaints into personal-attacks. She's gotten good at it over the years. She plays victim, and you're the villain. So, you close-down, kiss her bum; and let her have her way. Here you are, at DC!
If you don't like hanging-out with her and her clique; tell her you'll just stop socializing with them, unless you feel included. Don't sit there and pout when you don't know what the conversation is about. Ask them what they're talking about! It's too late, once you've gone home. All pissed-off, and angry at her in the car. You had the chance to ask what they're talking about when they were talking!!! You're not a child, you can interrupt to ask questions. You can interject!
If she insists on discussing your marriage with others, yet not a counselor; tell her you can consider a divorce without the counseling. Either work things out with you, or without you...the choice is hers.
You've conditioned your wife to be this way over the past 10 years. You've pretended all is well with silence. You let her criticize you and voice her own complaints; while you sat there being her sounding-board. All that time, you're angry and resentful.
You can only modify the behavior of others, but you cannot control them. If she picks a fight, hold your peace. If she has something she wants to air and complain about; tell her you'll give her five minutes uninterrupted, and you want the same. If not, write it down, and you'll take it under advisement. Refuse to argue. Leave if you must. If she starts up again when you return, just ignore her. Remind her, you wanted to discuss it like adults, you will not listen to it while she yells and chastises you like a child. If she sulks, let her. She'll change her behavior, when she sees the change in you.
If she wants to give you the silent treatment; then leave her alone. It's only effective when it gets to you. How long can she walk around the house with nobody she can complain to??? Her friends have their own lives, they don't want to sit and listen to her problems all the time. Besides cutting off her nose to spite her face, she's giving you peace and quiet. No arguments! Go about your business; while she's strutting about the house, trying to draw your attention to the fact she's not speaking to you. It starts to look and feel silly...AND IT IS!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 April 2021):
 There might be a few things at play here.
1. She takes YOU for granted. In the sense that SHE knows you will listen to HER "gripes" but she really doesn't have to or want to listen to yours. Apparently, she is of the opinion that ONLY women can have feelings and express them, which is utter bullshit.
2. you are SO used to ALWAYS accommodate her that she just steamrolls you.
3. She can't handle criticism. AT all. Because you bringing something up MUST mean you think there is something "wrong" with her (I think that is her assumption).
4. Perhaps you could ask her what SHE thinks would be the best way for you to bring up things that you are not happy with within the marriage, things that YOU will need her help to fix. See if appealing to her ego, so to speak can help her understand that YOU bringing up an issue is not the same as you criticizing her.
4. GO see a counselor by yourself if she doesn't want to come. It could be good for you to get some tips on HOW you can better approach her with issues.
Also, it seems your wife has this "do I look fat in this dress? attitude". Basically, you are damned if you are honest and damned if you are not. Like when you were honest about feeling clueless at the hangout with her friends. She is your wife, OF course, you should be honest. Otherwise, WHY did she ask? But I also get that if you ALWAYS turn into a Debbie Downer and look for the "glass half empty" it can be a little draining.
What she wants is a "fantasy marriage". Where you never disagree (unless SHE is correcting you) and where SHE is perfect and you are just there to prop her up.
It's NORMAL to have disagreements at times.
...............................
|
