A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've used some affair jargon in this post, and also, names have been changed.OW = other womanAP = affair partnerBS = betrayed spouseHW = homewreckerSTBXH = soon to be ex-husbandWS = wayward spouseIf you see these in this post, that will help you understand (Sorry... using jargon and explaining it is part of my day job).My husband told me last night that he's leaving me for his high school classmate Sadie (now 36) who he's been talking to online, and that he's going to create a blended family with our daughter and her daughter.He told me how Sadie had contacted him months ago, explaining that her husband left her for an OW as his AP in August 2019, he'd moved from Maryland to Texas, and she's starting to plan divorce proceedings; he moved in with the OW before the pandemic had started and hasn't been heard from since. She'd tried contacting him about their kid... never heard back.He explained the affair was never physical (couldn't be for obvious reasons; we're in California, she's in Maryland) and was online-only, since November 2019.He then showed me a photo Sadie sent him, of her in black bra and panties standing next to her Toyota RAV4 SUV.Sadie's been married since 2014 to her STBXH; she didn't suspect an affair was going on until she found online evidence on her computer; emails to and from this woman including the smoking gun of "I've left my wife for you". She's been looking at divorce attorneys, he told me, and she sent him copies of what should be confidential emails.Sadie told him how things were scary, he'd yelled at her because she DIDN'T vote Trump twice in the elections and she sent him a picture of scars he left on her legs and belly from when he attacked her over Trump; she was too frightned to report it to the police; in her house, Trump was such an issue that it caused so much friction she was frightened to be with him, and that he'd drunk vodka and rum from 11am until 8pm some days.Sadie has an 18-month-old daughter with her husband.My husband has known Sadie since September 1997, and last saw her at the end of June 2002, but hadn't heard from her since November 2002 officially.He dated her from February 2001 to November 2002, but she'd moved from Arizona to live in Maryland with her family and of course back then it was harder to date long-distance with no social media and poorer-quality video-calls. He essentially wants to pick up where he left off.I've been with my husband since August 2008, we met as friends in July 2008, started dating in August 2008, married by September 2013, and we've got an 8-year-old daughter.I really had no idea my husband was cheating on me online, no reason to be suspicious.But his revelation he had an OW really made me realize I'd become a BS.I had no idea he had an OW!I've heard standard claims about an affair, "You don't know what he's like until you've washed his dirty underwear", "It won't be so hot when you're dealing with bills, leaky toilet, ramen noodles, paying for two cars, choosing a restaurant".But in this case, it's a bit more complex isn't it??Let's say he divorces me. What happens when things slow down, reality hits? Isn't he everything that you know and feel for this OW IN an affair setting! Not reality, not sharing responsibility with her, money, a house, her being step mom to your daughter, her family, your family, dealing with the fallout, friends picking sides, inlaws - A whole life change. Am I right to think that he's based everything on an affair setting, moving in with her, and are the issues of friends picking sides, in-laws, sharing responsibility the Three Big Issues?He said he's thought about blended families, but has he REALLY thought about blended families, how this is going to work out in the long run? Getting involved and also not only dealing with your stuff, but hers too? Her family, friends, relatives, as well as yours? Does he really know her well enough (he's known her for 24 years so may 'know' her in one sense, but he probably don't KNOW her as an adult, how she handles crisis, how her communication skills are, her bad habits, etc) to throw away all that he has with me? She obviously has to be thinking the same thing or if she isn't, well, it's worrying.Won't blended families be the BIG sticking point here?Granted, Sadie has an 18-month old daughter so parenting is perhaps a new issue to her, it's her only child.You can't really say Sadie cheated on her husband as he didn't talk to her until AFTER he'd left her, and secondly, he was already in an affair, so no issue of husband beating up the other guy.I'm probably going to meet her some day, if only for the sake of access to my daughter unless I can get custody.But my husband is determined to plow on with this, and pick up where he left off... 19 years later.Is this odd that he ADMITTED to an affair, with no prompting? The conversation came out of the blue.As for him picking up where he left off, what do you think the REALITY will be like of him moving in with his OW AP and the blended family, just in case anyone else on here asks this question?What do you think will be the BIGGEST issues for them (apart maybe from lack of trust), especially the reality of a blended family and will friends picking sides really be as big an issue as I thought?I've never had to worry about affairs before, so this is all new to me.Please guide me on what to do for the best, emotionally; the divorce lawyer side is slowly coming along, I'm researching it.I'm unsure how to do things properly to get the best outcome for my daughter. I really don't want the blended family thing but my husband's pushing for it with Sadie.What do you think could be possible outcomes for everyone in this situation?I really need advice from everyone here, and thank you for reading.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (24 April 2021):
 Most people think that the grass is always greener on the other side, and your husband will come to the harsh realisation that this is not the case, and no doubt further down the line he will come to realise this, by which time it will be too late.
He has crossed the trust barrier, and trust is the most important thing that holds a relationship together. Once trust has been broken relationships are more often than not headed for a downward spiral.
I would collate as much information as you can and seek legal advice right now and get the ball rolling regarding getting a divorce.
Don't go through this alone, confide in family and friends and tell them what your planning and what is going on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2021): First things first, financial-security for you and your daughter. You should be beyond simply researching lawyers; but actually consulting with a divorce attorney at this point. Statutes and laws may slightly differ from state to state; so you won't get law advice here on DC, we offer homespun opinions not legal services.
I am so very sorry about what you're going through. I can almost sense your anger and grief. Your mind is numb, you're in a state of confusion, your arms and legs feel heavy, and you feel like you're walking around wearing weighted-shoes. How do I know? I've felt such sorrow and pain; and I can relate.
You are in the shock phase, your head is spinning, and just when you thought you knew the man you sleep next to, the father of your daughter, the man who promised never to forsake you, and stand by you until death...now this!
There is no reasonable or logical explanation for what your husband has decided to do. One can only speculate that he never got-over Sadie, and just went through the motions of life; until they somehow reconnected. Who you were back in your teens and 20's is not who you are now. They've been catching-up the past couple of years or so; so they think they still know each-other. He's rescuing her; while abandoning the one he promised to cherish for the rest of his life. He can't judge her husband, he's no better.
Figuring-out the "why's" and "how-comes" may occur later; but your priority at this point is getting your legal ducks in a row; and everything else will start to fall into place.
As you undergo the procedure of your divorce, your attorney will guide and advise you. You'll learn and adapt to your plight as you go. Don't expect anything to make any sense at this point. Just concentrate on your child, staying healthy, and pray; hoping you do have a spiritual-faith you can fallback on. It's through faith, worship, and prayer that we can accelerate our healing; as God brings you comfort, guidance, and His protection. I'll pray for you, your daughter, and your husband. This is surely a hot mess and a quagmire; but there's nothing new under the sun.
It's like there's something in the water or the air! People are behaving as thought they've lost all their sense of reason, they have no impulse-control, and they are willing to believe the ridiculous. Yet somehow they think believing in God is crazy?!! I'm a Christian, and not ashamed to admit it. To think, men beat their wives and families are divided over politics!!! If only people worshiped God and Jesus so devoutly! Here you are, wondering what in the world is going-on with your husband?
He's a 36 year-old man. He knows what he's doing. He's not bewitched or under some spell. He's not acting on a whim. His mind is made-up, and he has had more than sufficient time and opportunity to decide what he wants, who he wants, and what he's doing. You're the one who's finally catching-up! We've come-up with a lame excuse for this. Some would call it a "midlife crisis." He's dumping his wife and family, men do that at any age! The crisis is the fact it seems to come too easy for some guys; and it happens way too frequently these days! Midlife crisis my eye! He's just another person who is emotionally and psychologically cheating on his spouse. All the questions you raised about his readjustment to another life with her are irrelevant. Focus on getting your own life in order.
May the good Lord give you comfort and strength through this. Whether you're a believer, or unbeliever. Doesn't matter, He loves you; and He lets it rain and the sun shines on all of us.
Don't set your mind to believe he'll suddenly snap out of it. The problem from this point on is that you'll never be able to trust or rely on his judgement. He's narrow-minded and selfish. He doesn't seem to care about anyone, but Sadie and himself right now. He has given-up everything for her; and you may as well accept the fact that it is what he really wants. Don't delude yourself into believing he doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't care how you feel, or about your marriage; right now, it's all about Sadie. It will not be some fairytale happy ending for them; because this affair rose from betrayal and abandonment of his family. Sadie's life is a mess, and it's about to get messier.
Concentrate on getting your own security and wellbeing. Get some counseling, if you don't have spiritual-faith; but anyone can say a prayer in their time of trouble and need. Unbelievers find God everyday; so there's hope for us all.
May God bring you peace, protect you and your daughter, provide you with a good lawyer; and if it's God's will, may He bring your husband back to his better senses. If not, God makes an excellent Husband to tide you over; until He sends someone in the flesh to be by your side. You'll find love again; this is just one of life's bitter trials. Through these tests, we grow stronger and wiser.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (22 April 2021):
Well, it seems to be that you've got your priorities all wrong. You're busy musing over how your husband will cope in his new relationship and how you will manage a blended family rather than thinking of safe-guarding your own child by divorcing your husband and suing for full custody.
If you sue for full custody, the likelihood you will (in this instance). This is why (provided you haven't left anything out of your post about your own parental short-comings such as substance abuse or mental health disorders)
A) Your soon-to-be ex-husband is planning to take your daughter over 2000 miles away from everything she's ever known. He'll be taking her away from her mother, her grand-parents, her school, her teachers and all her friends. he will in fact be isolating her from all the adults she currently trusts in his life, except him. (Courts generally don't like that)
B) Your ex-husband is planning to take her to be co-parented by someone that she has never met and that he hasn't met for over 20 years. He has very little clue of what her lifestyle or her parenting abilities are like.
C) What he DOES know about her lifestyle and parenting abilities are NOT good. She was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic husband and she did nothing to extract herself from this relationship. Despite the fact that she had an 18th month old baby which it was her duty to protect!!!??? And when her husband ups and leaves taking the child with him - she just tries to make a couple of telephone calls. Why isn't she going all out to find and protect her child from this violent alcoholic? Instead she starts cultivating an on-line relationship with another man.
Why the hell are you even entertaining the idea of this woman co-parenting your child. She couldn't even keep her own child safe.....
Like I said, you've got your priorities wrong, Stop wondering about how your ex husbands new relationship will work out and start suing for full custody
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 April 2021):
 Honestly, I know this all weighs in your mind but YOU need to STOP wondering and worrying about him and HIS future with her, it's NOTHING to you.
Focus on what IS important, YOUR child and YOU.
I would probably sue for full custody because your child needs the most stable environment possible, not to be hauled off to another state with people she doesn't know. If you are the primary caregiver in the day-to-day and not your husband, I think it's better for her to STAY with you and VISIT him. How you arrange THOSE are up to you and the courts.
Your husband is living a fantasy where he is going to be the white knight rescuing this damsel in distress from his past. My guess is there is a LOT of drama with this "Sadie" (which is another reason I would NOT want my husband to get full custody). He doesn't know her. He only knows WHAT she has told him, which could all be bullshit lies to gain sympathy.
I also find this "Sadie" ABSOLUTELY shady. What kind of woman who finds out she is being cheated on turns around and looks to CHEAT with a married man (your husband) a FATHER of a child? Who does that?! IMHO NOT a good person.
I would hurry up on the whole divorce, I think your husband will agree to a LOT more of YOUR demands if it means the divorce will be quick and easy.
I think your husband believes that "Sadie" is "the one who got away" and thus he wants to do the "honorable" thing and leave you to be with her. And yes, they haven't PHYSICALLY cheated but come on... there is an emotional affair going on. It almost sounds like a midlife crisis.
As for what YOU should do. Well, 1. make sure you have a place to live that you can afford on your own. (with your daughter) 2. make sure you have ALL vital documents secured (birth certificates etc. of you and your daughter). 3. That you reach out to family and friends if you need help. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. 4. Get on with the lawyer asap. Don't wait around. That is NOT in your favor.
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