A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I are having a major problem right now and it is my hope that the aunts and uncles here could serve as mediators to our ongoing argument. My husband will be reading this if posted.He is in South America for 3 months. We have been married for close to 9 years. But he had to travel for work; he will be returning next month. So, right now it is what is described as a long distance relationship.Here is the problem. I am still horny. I still feel sexual urges and desire even though he is not physically present in my life for the time being. I express my desires and in fact, we have both sexted and have exchanged pictures and video etc. But it is not very often. He does pay attention to me. He calls me a couple of times a day and stays on the phone with me for 2-3 hours. He tries to share photos and video of his experience in Argentina. So that I feel included and not left out.I guess I feel a little resentful he is there without me, even if it is for work. He does have a reasonable amount of leisure time.The problem is the difference in our libidos. I do not turn off my desire just because he is away in order to cope. He does. So while I am still horny and want to feel close, especially sexually, he shuts down sexually. He says he does not want to feel horny if he cannot do anything about it. Because I am not there. And it is uncomfortable going around with a boner all the time. He has relieved himself. But it seems to bother me that he does not seem more interested in me sexually. Because my insecurity makes me question his fidelity. I think if he is not aroused at all, he must be satiated. Maybe he is getting his sexual needs taken care of by some local woman? He has always been highly attracted to me. And while he is there, I sense less of that. And it worries me. He would rather not get too worked up about it and just not think about sex. But I do not like to feel disconnected sexually. That is important to me and the sexual connection makes me feel like he still wants me and has not forgotten me even though he is thousands of miles away. What I would like to know is are these my insecurities talking?He seems to think it is okay to control his desire. I guess I cannot understand how one does that? Or how they even could do that? He is a man. How does a MAN do that? When a man doesn't show interest in sex with you or not seem to want it badly enough, does that mean he is getting it elsewhere? I am at a real disadvantage here. He is halfway across the world and I am trusting his word. But I have been anxious about this and I have not let up and he is getting upset with me with all my questions and worries. I can't seem to let it go. Other than this, we have had a great relationship. We do get along well, have fun together and do love each other.Do you think I am overthinking things? That it is my insecurity? And how can we resolve this, and be on the same page without either of us being resentful? Me for needing more attention and him for needing less????
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2021): Hi OP,
I find your post/question to be quite reasonable and making sense. What you are dealing with is nothing more than normal doubts that LDR brings about, and seeking a 3rd-party perspective was among the best things you could do.
I wouldn't call 'insecurity' or 'distrust' into play at all yet. In your post, you left ample room for the possibility that your husband is indeed, in fact, being faithful.
Just as importantly, I do not perceive that your mentioning having high levels of desire *for your husband* should in any way be an indicator
that 'you do not trust yourself to behave', especially given that it's true that '[men] don't hump the legs of random-strangers because [they] can't get any'.
Based on what you've outlined of the situation, rest assured that there is no evidence of '[your husband's] needs being met without [you]'.
"But I do not like to feel disconnected sexually. That is important to me and the sexual connection makes me feel like he still wants me and has not forgotten me even though he is thousands of miles away."
Sister, I think I get what you mean here, Sister.
Sexual connection, I strongly believe that when you've found it, it's something that it ought to come naturally to want to *work* on it, using whatever resources available, to keep it preciously alive.
If distance turns out to be an irreconciliable obstacle (as in, it is *not* an obstacle for you, but for your husband, yes), the fact still remains that the two are *not* working on their sexual connection; it is left dormant.
Is there any guarantee that it can just spring back to life when the two of you can be physically together again? That's a bit of a gamble I wouldn't be most comfortable with either.
On the matter of 'sexting', I'll leave it to those who do not like it, or do not get it, to call it 'sexting'.
You are proposing a way of, as WiseOwl puts it, improvising, that it turns out does not come naturally to your husband. It's not for everybody; that's understandable, it's no big deal.
Not everybody is wired to perceive how those who do 'like' it see it more as two minds who remain connected to produce their own brand of eroticism.
The 'sexting' of some mature-adults
Is some other mature-adults' work of Art.
And only they would know how, indeed, the wait and the anticipation, while connected in that way, is what makes the reunion even more all the more exciting.
Unfortunately, your husband is not into that. As I said, I still think it's No big deal in your case.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2021): We feel most secure where we think we have relative control over any given situation. In this case, you're being unreasonable, and not making much sense. You can't control/manipulate your husband's moods, emotions, penis, or his activities; because he's too far out of reach. You have no choice, but to rely on trust. That's too hard. Therefore, he couldn't possibly be capable of controlling himself. Is that it???
How about focusing on your own self-control? Maintaining your calm and composure in anticipation of his return.
Military-wives and husbands have to endure deployment of their spouses for long extended tours of duty; and have little else to depend on, but their trust. It's their sacrifice, and the burden they proudly carry. Astronauts serve their missions in space, there's no cosmic hanky-panky going-on up there. They have to control their human urges for extended periods of time. Whether male or female!
All men serving years to life-sentences do not succumb to homosexual behavior. They'll adapt to the reality they won't all receive conjugal visits.
The hardest thing for human beings to do is to trust. Seems the only ones they do trust are usually those who don't deserve it. Then once they get burned, they can't trust those who do deserve it. The irony is, they still think they deserve to be trusted themselves. *Scratching my head!*
You claim your relationship is good, your husband is demonstrably attracted to you; and he has clearly explained that he does not like to get worked-up sexually, when he can't do anything about it. Why is that so hard to understand? Why are you being accusatory, in spite of this reasonable and most succinct explanation? Why would you suspect he is cheating, and debase his character, just because you're not there to keep an eye and a leash on him? Yet, after you've described yourself to be so overheated you can't stand it? Should he worry you won't behave yourself?
Is it your husband you don't trust, or yourself?
If he doesn't want to act out of character, like he's some horny adolescent with overactive hormones; or do things that don't come natural to him. Then he has every right to inform you he is not going to do them; simply to appease your unjustified and misdirected distrust. Using the excuse you're feeling insecure. Too bad! Seems to me he has complied most graciously; and has attempted to please you. He just doesn't yield to your whims by trying to over-prove himself. He demands the trust he deserves. He will not do the silly things you keep pressing him to do! He wants it less, because you're forcing it on him. Try and let these facts sink-in! You're not doing it because you want it; you're trying to "dry him up," for fear he'll get it elsewhere. Based on nothing more than your lack of trust!
Here's the deal. Grown-ups have to deal with uncomfortable situations; because that's what life demands of us. Children get the luxury of whining and pouting; or demanding our constant reassurance and coddling, when things aren't normal. That's because they're not mature enough to know any better.
It's almost uncanny how many females have absolutely no clue; not even a vague understanding of how male-sexuality works. Except for the common myths, misconceptions, and stereotypes created and circulated by male-bashers, sexist-manhaters, and scorned-women; who habitually choose the wrong-guys! Usually by no fault of their own; otherwise, for a plethora of scatterbrained reasons! Somehow, all men are like their bad-choices! They perpetuate the popular mythical-notion that men can't control our sexual urges. They actually grant us that convenient excuse for that bad-behavior! That's why cheaters use it as their favorite defense!
Men can abstain from sex for religious reasons, while on the battlefield, in space, out at sea, and on assignment in remote and isolated-locations. They learn to tune-out, suppress, and tone-down their sexual-urges to allow them to concentrate on their duties and tasks; and to adapt to their restrictive or confined environments.
Yes, we men feel our primal-cravings; and yes, those yearnings and compulsions can feel quite powerful at times. It doesn't mean you'll go out of your mind and rape the first warm-blooded creature you can get your hands on! We don't hump the legs of random-strangers, because we can't get any!!! Some jerks want you to believe that, because they're making fun of your gullibility!
Don't judge others by your own faults, weaknesses, and bad-habits. Each person deals with life and survival according to their own needs, conditioning, survival-skills, values, and intellect. We find ways to compensate, adapt, or improvise. You can abstain, or masturbate. It's a matter of choice. He chooses to wait. Whether you believe that, or not. Your distrust will eventually become toxic. You will kill whatever attraction he is reserving for you. Not everybody likes "sexting" like a couple of knuckleheaded teenagers! You're mature-adults. The wait and the anticipation is what makes the reunion all the more exciting! He has figured-out the motive behind your nonsense. It's not because you're so horny either!
You're behaving spoiled and high-maintenance. You have to extend him a little trust; but instead, you resort to accusing him of cheating. How does he know you're not cheating? It seems to me he's trusting you, but he's not getting any in return. I bet you won't let him read this one!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2021): "Maybe he is getting his sexual needs taken care of by some local woman?"
You asked this twice. It's a question June Cleaver doesn't ask Ward -- you're asking it -- so you're suspicious.
Most, but not all, cheating spouses will tell the truth when asked. The ones that lie usually mumble through it.
What did he say?
As for you, get a good sex toy and turn on to high. Chris Rocks said a home alone jerk off is pretty awesome. Works for us girls too.
'Gonna use my fingers
Gonna use my, my, my, imagination'.. Pretenders
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2021): I also do not see, based on what you've posted, any evidence that allows us to suspect that he is having his needs being met without you.
What I would be concerned about in such a situation is indeed
"I do not turn off my desire just because he is away in order to cope. He does. So while I am still horny and want to feel close, especially sexually, he shuts down sexually"
Is this 'shutting down', because it suits *him*, a healthy thing to do for the relationship over the longer term?
Can he really at will just shut off his desires, or is he 'replacing' it with something else, e.g. by outdoing himself over and over again at work, and outperforming everyone?
Isn't there a concern that the previous level of sexual desire does not come back to what it used to be?
Is he asking of you that *you* shut off your desires for him but to make sure it's back at the same level when he comes home? That's a gamble I wouldn't trifle with, the desires of a woman for her man.
Where it doesn't add up is that, if he is so good at suspending his desires, what keeps him from walking the talk by, every other day, unsuspending them for the hour or two that you need attention of a sexual nature, and then suspending them again?
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (24 April 2021):
 I think this all boils down to trust, and trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship is more often than not headed for a downward spiral.
I assume he is out in South Africa working, and making money to contribute to a better life for both of you.
I think that you are going to have to start trusting him, just as he is having to trust you. If has never given you a reason to distrust him why start now.
I think communication is the key here, tell him how your feeling.
Also he will be home next month so you don't have long to wait now till he is home.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 April 2021):
 You know, He has to trust you as well as you have to trust him. It's not a one-way only.
And since YOU seem to put WAY more emphasis on being horny and needing attention, I honestly think HE has more to worry about than you.
So if YOU can stay faithful while he is gone, HE can stay faithful while he is away. It's that simple.
Do I think you are overthinking things? Yes.
How can you resolve this? By treating your partner with the love and respect he deserves. If he hasn't cheated on you before, you ought to TRUST that he can keep it in his pants while he is gone. I mean it's not hard. (no pun intended) to NOT have sex for a few weeks or even months. And you two are NOT clones. You want to talk about sex and phone sex and sext him, while he rather keeps the sex and sex talk to when he can ACTUALLY be with you physically. So maybe keep it to teasers? Something he can look forward to.
Tell him and be open and honest about it the fact that you FEEL you need more attention while he is gone. See if he can bump that level up for you. Though I think he is going ABOVE and BEYOND already. Ge calls 2-3 times a day and sometimes for hours? Lady, when is going to work? What are YOU doing with your OWN life? Have you no hobbies? No friends? Nothing to do?
I was LUCKY if I talked to my husband 5 times over 19 months over the phone while he was deployed to Afghanistan (they were at a FOB - base that had no Internet the first 6 months they were there!) and you know what? WE managed just fine. I was busy, HE was busy. When he did come home finally we did cram in a lot of intimacy but our marriage was and is about more than sex and attention. Is yours?
I mean you are a MATURE lady in her late 40's or early 50's and you act like men are totally guided by their penis 24/7. You are not married to a 20-something, right? But a man your own age? So by then (as in now) he should have learned some self-control. It's not that difficult!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2021): He has explained quite clearly why he is not acting all horny while he is there, sorry but I think he can't win. If he told you he has a constant boner you would STILL think he would therefore seek out another female but nope he is doing his job, being in contact with you regularly and has explained himself very clearly. Trust is very much part of a relationship and he seems like he is very reassuring and bring monogamous.
When he gets back you will have one hell of a makeup but horny or not you will not perish from not having sex for a while, it seems he has figured that out.
It's perfectly normal to worry and to overthink so don't beat yourself up how you feel but trust him and what he says, nothing you have wrote suggests to me he is doing anything wrong
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