A
female
age
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*BHonest
writes:My husband left me for another women but came back. He was with her for 18 months. I was devastated and profoundly affected. Our marriage wasn't perfect but we had been together for 22 years. We both had a hand in it but I never would hav betrayed him. His mistress forbade any contact with me other than email despite the fact that our children were then 16 and 19 years old-- boy and girl respectively. We started talking again when I went to court for a formal agreement for support until we were divorced. Those talks led to us reconsidering plans for a divorce. In short we called the divorce off. He said he wasn't happy and found that he missed his family. I became the other woman for 3 months until he came home. Our relationship was better than it had ever been. We were honest with each other about the 18 months we were apart -- sharing probably too many details. He was shocked to find I had dated and confessed feeling jealous when I shared those details when we met in court. Things were incredible until I went away to work as I had committed I'm a contract. After 10 months we were back together in the same house but a different state. It was the state where his mistress lived. To my knowledge they hadn't seen each other but several things happened that prompted me to request and examine phone bills. He could not remember why he texted her at 1 am while I was away. She called him once and I listened as she said, what are you going to do when your children are gone? He told me she offered to continue the relationship despite our reunion. Things got bad enough to prompt me to call her. She said " I'm not the one who said that." She also denied having spoken to him which was a lie. The bottom line is for more than 3 years I have sensed that he is with me but not completely. After we got back together he admitted to having multiple affairs. One with an ex- girlfriend that I suspected. He also told me in those honest moments that I made it easy. He has provided for me but he has done so many things that make me uneasy. He is able to dismiss any and everything. But how to I ignore panties left lying in our living room ( of our new house) that were mine but could not have been left there by me. New products that I purchased had been opened. Someone who became " our" friend did things like drop by his office to see if he liked her new make-up. She exaggerated "our" friendship at his ( their) workplace. He once got on his knees and begged me to join them for dinner that they planned--and it was beyond unusual to see him act so desperate. How does one move forward or leave with no clear reason evidence but a nagging feeling that he doesn't want a divorce but he wants his freedom. Counseling can assure me of nothing. We've been to multiple people who usually make me think they may be puzzled too. One mentioned gas lighting. I have no idea what to do.
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reader, judgedick  +, writes (22 June 2017):
 Yes it takes a strong person to get a divorce and even a stronger one to not fall into the trap of pulling the other one down and using the kids as tools in a game of tic for tac. All you said in your second post I agree with , and yes it is hard to say often when did the things start to go wrong . Was it just one thing leading to another? But it is only you that can say I have had all I can take and the pain is too much to go on with. As you say, it is not often just one person that breaks the relationship. It does take two to make it, and if the two are not working at it the best they can then it is going nowhere.
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female
reader, 2BHonest +, writes (21 June 2017):
2BHonest is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone. I really do appreciate someone taking the time to respond. I am able to read these answers and understand one thing very clearly. It is extremely difficult to explain a relationship in a few paragraphs especially when you are discussing it's imperfections--and your own.
There is so much more to this story. It isn't possible to include everything in context. I could insert a few lines that might instantly change your minds, or say something that might have you decide that I am crazy.
I will say this. There are few perfect marriages and few easy answers without every detail, and still it's hard. I am not a perfect person, nor was I a perfect wife. I did not cheat but how do we measure "what" gets forgiven. How do we exclude the fact that few relationships end because of one person.
I do need to think about what I want and I have to decide most importantly if holding on to what I think because of what happened before. I have no proof now so it's hard to rescind a second chance without knowing for sure. How far do we go to find out when it is sucking the life out of you. Suspicion breeds more suspicion. Sometimes you just have to hand it over to God. I'm exhausted.
Thank's again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2017):
 I think should be LESS about what HE wants but what YOU want.
Obviously, you CAN'T have a faithful husband because that is NOT what he wants - so WHERE do you from here with the knowledge that you do have?
You have been together for 22+ and it's been DOWNHILL for years. So do you continue to stay married and watch the marriage sink further into the muck while you grow resentful of him and yourself? OR do you decide that LIFE is short and you don't want the rest of yours to be miserable?
When you AGREED to NOT divorce what "deal"/"agreement" did you and your husband come to? That there would be no more mistresses, no more cheating? That you would focus on each other and your family? Or was there NO AGREEMENT made for moving forward?
It there was one, then he has irrevocably broken the agreement. And YOU have to decide what the consequence of THAT is. Is it let him do as he pleases? An open marriage where you bOTH screw around? OR is it the END of an era for the two of you?
If there wasn't one you STILL get to decide what YOU think should happen. AS LONG as you are being realistic. Him being faithful to YOU is not going to happen. So THAT scenario is out of the picture.
OF COURSE, he doesn't want a divorce!! He has YOU the mother of his children, the housekeeper, the maid, the cook, the woman that makes HIM look like he isn't a total FAILURE" at marriage - he has his family, his kids around him. He gets to "PLAY house" with you and screw whomever on the side. There are no REAL consequences of his actions. The proverbial "having his cake and eating it too". If a mistress wants more from him he can ALWAYS use you and the kids as an excuse why he can't/won't leave so even when it comes to that... there are no consequences.
As things stand now, IS this how you want to continue YOUR life?
If it is, carry on.
If not, what DO you want?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2017): Ditto WiseOwlE: "what compels you to stay?"
Have you tried being honest with yourself about this fiasco, sham of a marriage partner? What’s gas lighting got to do with anything when you should be freeing yourself from this adulterous man!? Or do you like playing the martyr; be a willing partner who suffers for a cause to stay married?
Cut the dang soap opera short in your life, save yourself some dignity as this is all too humiliating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2017): He has a wife and his favorite concubine, just like they had back in ancient Asian and European history. Unless you want to be a part of a polygamous setup; I think you need to reconsider the divorce. The guy is such a player.
You'll just spend a lot of time checking-up on him and forever suspicious of what he's doing behind your back. Who could survive under such weird and paranoid conditions?
You'll go out of your mind!!!
If you have no trust, you really have no marriage. So what if he can pretend to be a good-boy, and maintain a facade of being the perfect hubby? For how long?
And for crying out-loud!!! This guy has had multiple affairs!!! How do you delude yourself into thinking anything is incredible???
Seriously?!!! He got on his knees and begged? Girlfriend, you are a glutton for punishment!
His illusion as your husband is a hoax and a well-executed performance. You see what you want to see. Then you go and hit yourself up-side the head with the facts when you snoop around on him. What more does he have to put you through to see your marriage for exactly what it is?
I read your post twice. Just to make sure I didn't misread it, or miss any details.
Is it the money, he has a huge penis, the house, fear of being alone; wanting to maintain the facade of being in a happy marriage? Or the shame of admitting he is a huge mistake? All of the above?
What compels you to stay?
Tell you what. Re-read your own post and then decide.
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A
male
reader, judgedick +, writes (5 June 2017):
Unless you are happy with an open marraige, then get out when you can. He looks as if he wants to keep you on side. As if he gets a divorce, being the one that cheated, he would stand to pay more. So he is happy to have his family life and his bit on the side , for him it is a win win.I would say if you think of what he or his mistress said, about when the kids are gone, what type life do you see for yourself with him?
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (5 June 2017):
 Can you seriously live like this?
I don't think this man will ever stop cheating on you and I think deep down you know it. It's really not worth it imo.
Find someone who respects you, because this man doesn't at all.
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A
male
reader, bluewarrior911 +, writes (5 June 2017):
 He doesn't remember texting his mistress at 1 am in the morning? REALLY? So...all of a sudden he has amnesia.
He wants his freedom, but he doesn't want a divorce? In other words he wants you to grant him a license so he can fool around with other woman while you remain in the shadows. That's idiotic! I also love my freedom, but with freedom comes responsibility. He needs to grow up and start being a MAN.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 June 2017):
 As I see it, you have two choices here: carry on like this in this weird relationship, where you have absolutely no idea what is REALLY happening, or cut your losses and find someone who loves you TOTALLY and who makes you happy and comfortable.
Do you still want to be feeling like this 5 years, 10 years, 20+ years down the line? Do you want to be with this man so much that you are willing to spend possibly the rest of your life fretting and wondering what on earth is going on?
In your shoes I would be saying, "Heh, do you know what? We have had some great times together, but the price I pay for being with you is taking its toll on my mental health. I love myself enough to know I don't deserve this. The kids are grown up. It is time I found myself someone who loves me enough not to cheat on me, not to make me question their commitment to me."
Just my opinion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2017): I really think at this point you need to leave. Decide to co-parent where you both live close and can be there for the kids, but you both have your own places and are free to form new relationships. I understand it is devastating to re-think life after 22 years together, but you WILL heal in time. You will go through grief like in a death but you will make it to the other side. He has shown you that he is capable of infidelity multiple times over, not just one mistake, AND he has still been in contact with the mistress. You are right that he wants his cake and to eat it too. He has shown a big flaw in abandoning his family completely, even his kids when he was with the mistress. You deserve so much better. You shared some good years and two children, but it is time for another chapter of your life.
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