A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 6 months has been having lunch with a girl he works with. They only work at the same office one day a week and when that happens they ride together to Subway or Quiznos and eat together. He insists that they are simply friends and there is no interest in a relationship. Although he knows I am unhappy about it, he is admamant that he should be able to continue to have lunch with her. They were coworkers/friends for a couple of months longer then my boyfriend and I have been dating. I really feel like he should not be going to lunch alone with another girl, even if she is only a friend. I know I am a little jealous but really I think its more of the principle that its wrong and doing it tells me that he is willing to take a chance that it will lead to something. I feel like if they are simply friends and he knows that it bothers me, he should be able to just be friendly inside the office doors and skip having lunch together. I want to find out what others think.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): Ok. Its me. The person that asked the qestion! I've read the answers and I see that I was wrong. Thank you to all those that answered honestly. I've pushed this person away and all I could say now is that I am sorry and hope there is forgiveness in my future. This person is very special to me and sometimes we learn from our mistakes.
A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (21 February 2009):
A cautionary tale:
When I got married, my wife was very jealous of other girls. I'd mainly had women friends, not men, and I avoided getting friendly with any women for years. Many years later, now with fewer friends, I became jealous when she made a close new male friend. When I called her on it, she dismissed her old feelings as being jealous early in a relationship. Meanwhile, though I had never been a jealous type at all, I had internalized treating any opposite-sex friend as a threat.
She was confused and felt untrusted, and I felt sick in my stomach. I insisted she not stop being friends just because of my reaction, but secretly part of that was because I realized I held a lot of resentment for never feeling permission to have women friends, and I couldn't bear the idea of her having that much resentment towards me.
And I've not told her this, to protect her feelings.
It may seem safer to you to have exclusive rights to his attention, but people need friends, and guys need both men's and women's perspectives (especially in asking about situations with their wives).
Be careful what you wish for.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): just think about it, what if it was the other way round? what if he was unhappy with you having lunch with a friend who was male? how would you feel knowing that he doesnt trust you enough to just spend an hour, once a week having lunch with a friend? It's a really frustrating feeling!
are there any past experiences that have made you feel this insecure? if so just sit down with him and talk to him about this maturely, he will respect you so much more when you have a civil conversation about it, rather than telling him what he can or cant do just because you dont trust him with his female friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): I'm afraid I think you are being unreasonable here, although I can see where you're coming from. You can't just expect him to stop seeing friends whom he's known longer than you because you don't like it. It sounds like you have nothing to be jealous of, especially if he tells you what he's up to- he's not doing it behind your back, for example, hoping you won't find out. As everyone else has said, trust is the real key, and you are treating him as though you don't trust him, even though he hasn't done anything wrong. If you treat himm like this and get upset to this extent then it will ruin your relationship and drive you crazy at the same time. Please try and relax about it a little. Your relationship is still young and needs a firm foundation for it to grow further. This means mutual trust.
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A
male
reader, aman +, writes (20 February 2009):
Do you really want to tell him that he is not allowed to eat with 50% of the human race just because they are female? Guys and girls can be friends and just friends.
Also, as others have said, trust is key in any relationship. You are never going to be able to know what he is doing 100% of the time. At some point you'll have to trust him to do the right thing.
In fact, acting this way when he tells you openly that he is eating with a female co-worker is exactly the WRONG thing to do. If you keep acting this way whenever he tells you anything he may start to hide things from you to avoid your reaction.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2009):
 I have to agree with Phil, I see no reason why he can't have lunch with a co-worker. It's not like the have "lunch" at Motel 6.. it's a Subway...
And you are his GF not his mother. Starting to dictate only 6 months into a relationship who he can talk to and whom he can't is showing how little you trust him. It can also be seens as slightly dramatic, controling and clingy...
What is the real reason for you to having such a problem with this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): You're more than a little jealous, not to mention very insecure. If you start dictating to him who he can and cannot be friends and have a working lunch with I don't see see him being your boyfriend for any more than a few more months. Just because you've arrived on the scene do you really expect him to drop his friends? Would you be willing to do that if you were in his place? Why don't you just come out with it and say you don't trust him when he's around around his female friends?
Believe me when I say you'll drive him away if you continue acting like this. Relationships are built on trust. No trust = no real relationship.
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